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Old 19-01-2021, 03:50 PM   #2661
one_step_closer
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The CPN called me. She didn't even check if I was safe, and just asked what I do when I feel suicidal. I said talking to people helps but now I'm not allowed to do that. She then went on about what is the right support for me in general since she's not going to use our calls as check ups. I said I'd do the worksheets but don't think they'll help. It turns out she has the power to discharge me and said that they're trying to quickly get people to manage on their own and no one will be open to the service indefinitely. I think I'm going to just say I'll not waste her time with the worksheets. I used to have a really good support service and now it's crumbling. I'm so upset. I have further reasons to kill myself now but I probably won't. I'll just continue crying and self harming. Soon I'll have no professionals to turn to. I wish my own CPN would turn up soon and say I do need support and take over my treatment but I don't think she's coming back any time soon. I'm going to be further isolated. I hope I can kill myself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2021, 02:31 PM   #2662
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Sorry for the multiple posts. I'm now discharged from CPN input. They've decided I'm doing well because I'm going for a walk once a week with my support worker. Because I can sometimes make phone calls they think I should be able to do it all the time but most of the time I can't seek out help. I wonder if anything would have been different if I was still seeing my own CPN. I'm just going to have to cope in negative ways on my own. Then soon the DWP will say I need to look for a job because I'm obviously fine.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2021, 02:40 PM   #2663
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I’m so sorry Lindsay
That’s completely out of order and I’m angry for you
I wish I had something helpful to say but just know that we are all here for you if you need us <3



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 21-01-2021, 02:56 PM   #2664
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I can't believe this. Can you appeal?



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Old 21-01-2021, 03:11 PM   #2665
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Thank you both. There's nothing I can do. I can be re-referred in the future if I'm ready to do the worksheets but that's not what I need from a CPN. I will see how I get on and talk to my psychiatrist whenever I have an appointment with her but it seems like it was a team decision.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2021, 07:13 PM   #2666
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I'm so sorry Lindsay. It's unacceptable you're being treated this way, especially since your own CPN who knows you best is away and can't give her opinion on things.

Know we are all here for you <3







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Old 22-01-2021, 11:38 AM   #2667
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I am really, really angry on your behalf Lindsay. This is not okay!!!! Not at all!!!! This seems like a really crappy decision they have made because actually helping you with your stuff would be too hard for them or require too much time or whatever stupid excuse they would use.

It's really not okay!!!!! And i would love nothing more than to create a right shitstorm in their premises because treating people like that is not only rude, it's also not professional at all!!!!!

They know you won't be likely to kick up a fuss so they just chose the easy Way out and discharged you. They should be held accountable for whatever happens to you without support. If i was any angrier i Think smoke would start coming out of my ears.

Would you feel comfortable if some of us contacted your local cmht???? Because i don't Think they should get away with this. If you don't, it's okay but i really Think they need to reconsider this decision. Xx

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Old 22-01-2021, 02:48 PM   #2668
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Thank you both. I'm pretty sure if my own CPN was still treating me she wouldn't have made this decision. I don't think they'll reconsider unless it possibly comes from my psychiatrist but I've been told it was a team decision so maybe she was involved. I can't fight and having other people fight for me is the same thing, I can't be seen as causing trouble. The things being offered to me by the CPN wouldn't work for me so it's ok in that sense. I just wish she had followed my own CPNs plans that were working well. I could see about advocacy but the CPN and my support worker and whoever else agreed that discharge was the right thing so they're not doing anything wrong.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-01-2021, 11:38 AM   #2669
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I'm in a really bad place MH wise and they knew some of it but didn't let me explain that things are reaching my tipping point. I don't understand why they would discharge me after me telling them I am more suicidal than usual.

Do you think I would get anywhere by writing a letter? Of course I wouldn't detail my feelings especially how suicidal I am because I know that's not right to do in a letter. I'd just like to say it couldn't have been a team decision if my own CPN wasn't there and how I'm sure the role of a CPN is not just to go through worksheets. Plus other stuff about how they're basing this on the fact that I go for a walk with my support worker once a week but they haven't a clue about my emotions or how I am at home. I can't stop thinking about what I need to say but also that it's probably pointless. I don't know what to do.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-01-2021, 11:44 AM   #2670
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I think a letter is a very good idea. You communicate really well on here about how you're feeling so a letter would be a good way to get your feelings across to them. And you can have time to think about it and word it properly, rather than being put on the spot on the phone.

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Old 23-01-2021, 01:27 PM   #2671
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Well it's written and sent now. Just need to not think about it too much which will be difficult. I don't think the letter will change anything. I'm feeling hopeless.

Everything is too much right now. Eating, housework, getting out the door. I'll have done less steps this week even though I'm supposed to be keeping them up for the challenge I'm doing with my support worker. I dread everything. The men are lowering the curtain a bit and the followers are screaming again, including my name in the screams which makes it harder to deal with. I don't feel brave enough to phone the informal crisis team, also maybe I shouldn't phone because it might get passed on to the CMHT who will then say 'see you can make phone calls.' I wish my CPN never had to be away from work for so long.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-01-2021, 02:49 PM   #2672
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Well done on the letter, I hope they take on board what you've said, and they get back to you quickly.



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Old 23-01-2021, 04:29 PM   #2673
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Writing and sending that letter was both very brave and very wise!!!! They are in the wrong here Lindsay, not you. And even if they stand by the decision you have voiced your opinion on the matter and that shows a great degree of courage and it also shows that even professionals get it wrong from time to time. It is not right for them to end your support like that, especially when not taking on board your own cpn's thoughts on the matter. It seems a great deal like they are just getting rid of people because their proper workers are off sick and thus can not protest. And that is just wrong on so many levels!!!!

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Old 24-01-2021, 11:15 AM   #2674
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Thank you both. I'm a bit worried about how the letter will be received.

I'm so much worse today, woke up thinking I really need to kill myself very soon. I feel so desperate and low and can't go on like this. I don't know if I'll manage to stick to my routine today and that's important to me. I went out for my morning shop but made it past a couple of houses on my street and had to turn around because I just couldn't do it. I might try and phone the informal crisis team but if it's someone I don't know who answers I'll end up having up, I will probably end up hanging up anyway. They just started at 10am so I'll give them time to do whatever they need to do before I try to phone.

I don't know how I can go on like this. Everything is torture.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-01-2021, 11:34 AM   #2675
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I really hope you can make the call, Lindsay. You can do it and clearly need the help. I know it sucks and is hard but it's the only way to access help at the moment.

Desperation can make you push through your boundaries (don't read that as encouragement to kill yourself) so I hope you can use that to use the phone and speak to someone. Out of the two things that you consider your only options, surely that is the easier one to achieve?

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Old 24-01-2021, 03:38 PM   #2676
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Thanks NP.

I phoned but someone I don't know answered and I hung up. Maybe they could have helped but I've gotten into the pattern of hanging up. I'm such an idiot. They are working until 10pm so I could try again later but I've been managing some stuff. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to let a call go through and talk to someone. I'm probably fine anyway. There's nothing anyone can do.

Edit: If I phoned I wouldn't know what to say. I feel like I say the same things over and over so they are unheard. The truth is I live my live with varying degrees of suicidality so that's all they hear when I call, that I'm suicidal but they don't think I need help. My own CPN knew what level I needed help at. I can't make anyone else understand.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-01-2021, 12:17 PM   #2677
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This is all taking a huge toll on me. I went for a walk with my support worker but we don't talk about how I'm doing because she's not trained enough, she told me to phone the Duty CPNs if I need to. They are only for very serious things though. I am feeling really suicidal but in this exact moment I don't think I'm going to make an attempt. The thing is things often get worse through the day and the suicidal feelings get stronger or I get impulsive. I probably will continue to be alive and the Duty CPNs aren't for people who will probably be safe. The men's followers are still screaming and I don't know what to do for them. I'm lacking in motivation and only doing things half heartedly. I'm self harming quite a bit but there is no obvious damage on the outside so that's fine. I'm not eating right. I'm crying lots.I can't make this phone call. Duty are for serious things. They would play down everything anyway, I know they would. I'm alone with my emotions and my struggle.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-01-2021, 12:53 PM   #2678
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I think what you're going through is serious lindsay and it is worth calling the duty cpn.
Feeling suicidal is serious, even if you're not sure you're going to act on it



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 26-01-2021, 01:57 PM   #2679
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Thanks. I'm suicidal to some degree every day so I don't think people bother so much when I tell them I'm hugely suicidal. I think it was nearly this time last year where I tried to kill myself and another time where I was at breaking point and my CPN sorted it out for me to be admitted to hospital. She knew when I needed an admission but I don't think anyone on Duty would know. Not that I want to be in hospital or need to be in hospital at this stage I don't think. Just my CPN would know what to do. I'll never get support like hers.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-01-2021, 02:12 PM   #2680
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That doesn't make it any less serious.
I think it would be worth trying to call duty. If you feel up to it



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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