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Old 23-12-2020, 03:25 AM   #1
Astrov
 
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Contains sexual abuse - Feeling desperate

I was sexually abused for several years as a child by a sadistic person who used mind games to guilt me into keeping it a secret. I've started working through these memories with a therapist, but we're on a 2-week break right now.

The emotions are overwhelming right now. I'm trying hard to distract myself so I don't self-injure, but the stress is giving me muscle spasms, bouts of shaking, chest pains, and even a bloody nose today. Doing my best to act normal and not ruin Christmas for my family, but I feel very alone. The memories are nightmarish.

Can anyone offer advice from experience? Ideas for dealing with these strong emotions? A cyber hug?

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Old 28-12-2020, 12:16 PM   #2
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*cyber hugs*

How did you get on over Christmas?

You've said you're trying to distract yourself already, but just to expand on that. What kind of distractions are you using? I really like this list of distractions as it breaks it down into different categories depending on what you need. Some of them you'll find really dumb I'm sure, but there's some nice ones in there and it at least gives you options!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 30-12-2020, 03:54 AM   #3
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Made it through Christmas, but I ended up self-injuring after several days of fighting the urge. it felt like failure after holding off so long.

I tried setting a timer, listening to music, exercise, writing, video games, talking to a friend. Those things helped, but the urge comes back as soon as I'm not focused on something else. It's driving me up a wall.

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Old 31-12-2020, 12:05 AM   #4
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Sorry to hear that you self-harmed. I still think it’s an achievement to have held off for all that time and to have only done it once, so well done :)

Sounds like your urges are really persistent and that must be difficult and frustrating. Even if it’s not just back-to-back distraction, would making quite a structured plan of activities/tasks for the day ahead help you to avoid having too much down time for the urges to take over?

Also I just realised that I forgot to include the link I was talking about in my last post- sorry! Here it is: https://www.slideshare.net/mobile/po...se-in-recovery



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 06-01-2021, 02:05 AM   #5
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I've slid from fighting the urge into a state of settled self-hatred. I am punishing myself methodically and unforgivingly and do not want to stop.

It's been years since I was this bad and it scares me.

If anyone out there has a reason why I shouldn't do this, please tell me. I'm ready to give up.

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Old 06-01-2021, 06:26 PM   #6
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Because you don't deserve it. Because life is too damn short and you've been hurt enough already to spend another minute punishing yourself.

What are you punishing yourself for?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 06-01-2021, 09:12 PM   #7
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For vulnerability, I think.

For whatever it was in me that allowed people to hurt me that way. And for being unable to get over it and move on.

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Old 07-01-2021, 07:09 PM   #8
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Wasn't it your abusers twisted lack of morality that allowed them to hurt you? Is it fair to blame children for being abused?

It's not that easy to just move on! The fact that you haven't just magically 'moved on' means that you are hurting and suffering, yet you want to punish yourself for the fact that you are hurting and suffering! More hurt because you're hurting? That doesn't seem fair :(

(btw, none of that is criticism in the slightest, just trying to challenge the negative self-talk that you've got going on!)



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 16-01-2021, 04:27 AM   #9
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You're right. It's not fair, but sometimes it's easier to be angry than to admit that I'm hurting.

I'm doing better the last couple weeks. Looking for better ways to handle the pain. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

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Old 30-01-2021, 11:31 PM   #10
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I'm glad you were doing a little better. Sorry I didn't reply to this sooner but I do hope that you are still doing OK.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 01-02-2021, 06:16 AM   #11
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Yes. No SI for a few weeks. Anxiety levels have been high this weekend, but I'm doing what I can to bring them down.

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Old 03-02-2021, 10:53 PM   #12
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I'm glad you've got strategies for bringing down anxiety levels :)

We're here if you want to talk about anything!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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