I haven't made a thread in here for quite a while, but I'm finding things quite difficult at the moment. I haven't wanted to post here because I'm struggling quite a bit with all the thoughts of 'It can't be a problem if I'm not underweight'. But I could really do with some support.
For the last couple of months my eating's been getting pretty bad. I eat 'normally' at weekends and in the evenings because my family are around so I have to. But I'm purging every time I eat at the moment, and over the last couple of weeks I've ended up starting to hide and throw away food when my family can't see. During the day I've stopped eating and I will avoid eating for as long as possible. I'm weighing myself every day, I'm obsessing completely about calories and weight and what I'm eating, what I should be eating, how much I'm exercising etc.
My kickboxing coach knows what's going on now, he guessed a couple of weeks ago because I'm so tired a lot and I was getting quite dizzy for a while. He talked to me a lot about it and I did actually eat before the next session but now I've gone downhill again. He has been very good at getting through to me, but he says I am on a slippery slope and heading downhill fast at the moment, and he says he'll stop me training if he sees me losing weight drastically.
I don't want that to happen, I need kickboxing more than ever at the moment, and they all know I need it so I have agreed to start trying to eat better again. But I could just do with some support. I want to be healthy, I want the energy so that I can train. But it's like the more I want to let myself eat, the more a part of me is fighting myself to not do it, I want to just give up. I wish I could just refuse to eat completely. But I'm living at home now, my mum's ill and I want to make her happy without worrying about me, so I can't. I want to try and start eating better again, but I'm so scared of doing it at the moment, I need something to just focus on.
Sorry this is so long, but is there any chance I could just have a bit of moral support or something? I know what I need to do, it's just that the thought of doing it makes me want to cry at the moment. Thank-you.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with eating atm, it sounds tough. I can relate. I'm pleased your coach is on your side though and talking sense and it's great you've got some motivation to keep going, gives you something to keep on track?
Do you have any professional help at the minute? Is there anyway you can minimise the risk & behaviours your doing at the moment? Like trying to reduce purging or at least eating with your family every night? How about giving your scales to someone else so they can control you weighing yourself?
Hey Liv.
I can understand babe.
I've been a bit similar lately with restricting.
I'm trying really hard to eat healthily now, but its hard.
Just keep trying hun, it is possible.
Can you try eating little and often instead of big meals?
And try and make sure what you do eat is healthy stuff like soups and salads so you don't feel as guilty for eating it.
I've got a counsellor at the hospice helping my mum, but I'm kind of 'shutting down' from him a bit lately, I don't really know why. I used to talk a lot to him but now I close up a bit. Partly it's because he says he will need to talk to his supervisors if I am harming myself. Partly it's because I'm hoping my mum will get better in a few months and be discharged from the hospice, and then I won't be able to have counselling there anymore, so I'm backing off from it a bit just in case.
The scales are in my parents' room for the last few years anyway, it's just I'm home alone all day so I get a bit tempted by them. But I eat with my family most nights which does help. I ate a normal amount of food today, and I only purged some of it. Which is an improvement. I will try eating little and often though, that tends to be easier because I don't feel so bad after doing it. I just hate the feeling now, I want to stop eating normally again.
Liv, I'm so sorry that you're struggling
You are an intelligent person, and deep down you know that you don't need to lose weight (you're gorgeous, m'dear :) ), you need food to survive, and if this gets any more out of control, you will have this 'control' taken away from ou. And of course, you can't do kickboxing or running if you're so weak physically.
Please take care Liv, ask for help... Talk to the counsellor, or go to your GP, talk to your family. You're too good to be a victim to the eating disorder
Thank-you Gemma (and long time no see around here, I hope you're doing ok x).
I know I'm in the healthy weight range rationally, I just hate it so much at the moment. I've lost quite a bit of weight since I started doing this though, and somehow I'm worrying even more now about my weight than I was before I started. I want to do kickboxing though and I want to start running more, I want to be healthier anyway, so I know I need to keep eating. I just want to enjoy it again, not worry about it. I went out to eat yesterday and it was a really good night and then I got home and started thinking about it and I hate myself for it.
I can't talk to my family about it because I don't want to worry them. I can try and talk to the counsellor though I guess, it's just I feel like I'm overreacting, I feel bad enough for talking to our kickboxing coach 'cos I don't want it to sound like it's a big deal.
Thing is, it is a big deal. It's not right to want to starve yourself, or purge. It can really mess up your health (trust me- I know!).
You know, your family probably know that something's up. Family seem to have a way of knowing when something's not right, but sometimes they're just too scared to say anything about it.
Please talk to the counsellor, he'll try and support you with this. And I'm here, too, if you want to chat x
I'm seeing my counsellor again in a couple of weeks so I guess I can try to talk to him then. I don't think anything could happen even if he did have to tell the hospice, because I'm not underweight or anything and physically I'm usually fine except occasionally at training.
I want to keep it a secret from my family though. In a few months hopefully we'll find out my mum's going to get better anyway and then things will be easier, so until then I don't want to worry her more.
I have eaten a normal amount today, so I guess that's good. I'm scared though because I need to lose weight so much and if I put on weight then I will hate myself so much. My watch is starting to be too big for my wrist and I know it's pathetic but I quite like that. But I did eat ok today, and I went for a quick run so I'm trying to be healthier.
Being of a normal weight doesn't mean anything, and just because you feel fine, doesn't mea you're body isn't struggling. When I got admitted to A&E with severely low potassium, I had no symptoms whatsoever.
As I said before, your family probably have some idea of what's going on, especially as tey know you have had problems with eating in the past.
Well done, that is amazing :) Why do you need to lose weight? What will you get out of it?
I think they've noticed something, I don't know how much though. I was talking to them about food a few days ago though and I mentioned something I wanted and they asked me if I'm trying to be healthier or something though, so they noticed that.
I just want to hurt. There's two parts of my head that are so conflicted at the moment. A part of me wants to get over this and eat normally again. I've been trying to eat a bit more before I go kickboxing and I've got more energy already, I feel so much more 'alert', if that makes sense. And then our coach said to me the other night that I've got a lot of good friends there who want to help me through this, and it just made me feel positive about getting through this and being ok.
Only at the same time I just want to hurt me so much. I'm so unhappy deep down, I'm so scared of what's going to happen with my mum - even if it's not for a few years, I'm so tense all the time from worrying and I'm tired of it, I want to avoid it and at first not eating did that. Only then it gets out of control and it's just taking over everything. But for that few minutes after I lose weight I feel a bit happier. I just want to feel like I'm hurting myself physically somehow.
I was doing better until the last couple of days. The last couple of days have not been good though. I didn't even try, I just used everything I could to avoid it. I've had to eat a pretty normal amount today though, probably a bit under but not much.
I'm stuck between two places in my head still. I want to do better and keep trying because I want to be healthy, I want to train more, I want to be good enough to fight properly one day, and I don't want to lose training, I can't. But I'm so obsessed with weight and calories and food and I just realised how close I am now, to being at the weight I wanted to be. So then I think if I can just hide it from everyone for a bit longer, just until I reach that weight. But I don't know if I'll want to stop it.
And what happens when you reach that weight? From exprience, you'll probably just say "Hm... It wouldn't hurt to get to x" and then bam, you're in hospital with Fortisips being poured down your throat. You'd get so much more out of eating healthily and doing the stuff that you want to do, not this damn eating disorder.
Please try to go for the rational side of you
The ED just wants to take all joy away from your life, it'll leave you frail, weak, ill and miserable. No matter how much you lose, it's never enough. You'll lose xlbs then feel fat again and it repeats over and over until your body can no longer cope
Please try to hang on to the good part that wants you healthy, to train and to feel good.
I suppose that is what scares me. I started off in the healthy range and I only originally planned to lose a little bit. Only now I've lost quite a significant amount of weight, I'm coming closer to underweight and I don't think I look any different at all, I think I worry even more about my weight now than I did when I started.
I'm trying to hold onto how much I need training, but I feel like I'm losing it at the moment. I told our coach last week but I'm doing better, but now things have gone the wrong way again. I did eat yesterday but I couldn't during the day today, I tried but I felt so bad about it. Eerything keeps going back when I stand up today, which isn't good for training. I ate when I got home, but I'm starting to hide/throw away food again when people aren't looking, so I just feel like I'm going downhill at the moment.
I've got sparring after training on Wednesday so it's a two hour session so I need to eat during the day, but I'm scared. But I don't want to get to the point where they consider stopping me training so I do want to do it.
I'm seeing my counsellor again on Wednesday too, I'm considering telling him a bit if I can. He says he might have to let his supervisors know though. So I'm kind of scared.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm really struggling with thoughts atm. :\
Well, I'm sure the supervisors won't do anything significant, though. It's probably just for monitoring purposes and to see if they can come up with anything to help. :/
That's true I guess. I just looked for the agreement leaflet thing he gave me when I started counselling there and it says: 'If your counsllor thinks there is a risk of you harming yourself or another person, they may take advice of their hospice manager who may advise informing your GP or the relevant authority, for example Social Services or the police'.
I'm not at risk of harming myself or anything, so I think it wouldn't go any further than the hospice manager even if he did have to say. But I don't think he will because I'm doing fine at the moment. I'll try and talk to him tomorrow anyway.
Maybe I shouldn't talk to anyone though. It's not like this is a big deal anyway. I am just pathetic and huge anyway. Why would I let myself eat healthily? I haven't done anything to deserve to be healthy, I can't justify it.
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