Relapse.. *Triggering*

[pygmalion]

I feel bad I even have to post this...

I really thought this time would be the time. I tried to get myself into inpatient. I tried calling an eating disorder therapist who never called me back. I didn't listen to my ED voice. I deleted the negative and triggering websites from my bookmarks. I stopped counting calories or looking at nutrition info. I cooked my own food and ate normally. I thought, this time i'll recover my life. This six years of suffering will be over. This is it.

Then I talked to my nephew, who has sexually and emotionally abused me. I wanted closure. I expected remorse. What I got was the opposite. He tried to justify it. He tried to get sympathy from me. He outright denied to things he admitted to doing before. Then he threatened to blackmail me. And that day I fought it. I really really fought that ED voice that says but you'll feel better... you'll feel better... I ate anyways.

And then I broke down. The anxiety was too much. And I just didn't eat. I didn't fight the slip because it numbed my feelings. I felt better. It wasn't about food or calories or weight that day, just the feelings. Then one day of restricting turned into two, then three. Then I got on the scale for the first time since i attempted recovery and i'd lost weight. A significant amount of weight considering the timeframe. And ED loved that.

And now I don't know how to go back. To that mindset of, I want recovery, I need recovery.

Will it really help me numb my feelings? Yes, it will. Do I have anything to lose? Not really. My medication stifles my ability to be creative (this is not because of my ED), and because of so long without being creative, I have no dreams of being an artist for a living, or having shows. I have no friends, I have no job. I dropped out of school... Tell me. What is there to lose?

[Mathematica]

Just wanted to offer you a hug and let you know I'm struggling with self-recovery too. I'm bulimic and it's so hard to get immediate help when you don't "look" sick. Stay strong in recovery, and do PM me if you want to vent. <3

[Left Phalange]

I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment, is there anyone else in your family who knows about the abuse? I think it's possible it should be brought to light a bit more. Maybe someone close to you who you can trust? Or a close friend? Either way, I do think you should go back to the doctors or to a therapist (if you have one, or psych/counsellor/whatever kind of support you have) and tell them what's been going on.

You should be so proud of what you have achieved so far, don't let this bring you back down and destroy you, you deserve more than that, no one deserves to be controlled by an eating disorder or any kind of mental illness. You fought hard to try and overcome it once, the longer you leave it, the harder you'll have to fight next time. Try and kick it now rather than later.