Relapsing *triggering* *SI/Suicide*

Ziel · 15-05-2016, 10:46 AM

Hi all. I don't know if this is really in the right place... But I'm getting on a bit these days.

I self harmed for about 10 years, was hospitalised for about a year, the whole shebang. I haven't been on this site for probably about 10 years or so now, but I don't know where else to get this out. Things have been ok, I worked a lot, got through university, currently working. I've been fairly ok through that whole time, with the odd wobble at some of those sad times in life- losing relatives etc. But nothing major.

Recently I just seem to be in shutdown most of the time. It's been a bad year, I lost a very precious part of my life I don't want to go into, then in December one of my closest friends died unexpectedly, someone I truly confided in. My father, who is a quirky sort, stopped talking to me just over a year ago and I can't get in touch with him. I don't enjoy my job, and I don't see a time where I'll find any other sort of work. I have a couple of close family members but not to talk about this sort of thing to. I have two or three good friends too, but again I don't want to talk to them about it. I feel like I'm a constant worthless annoyance to them, even though really I know I'm not. I get on my own nerves, and feel like every social interaction is a complex puzzle I have to get right. I feel like they talk about me negatively behind my back. Again, unlikely.

I live alone and every now and then I just feel so deeply sad. The rest of the time I just feel pretty much nothing. I haven't started self harming again but sometimes I think I should start sorting things out for a time I might feel like I don't have much more left here. I don't want this to sound dramatic, but every day there seems less and less to enjoy about life. I find myself shutting myself away all the time, I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I want to go to work, go home and be alone. Whenever I'm not at home I feel uncomfortable. I've had a few nasty accidental injuries over the past few months and unfortunately find myself enjoying them. I do think about self harming a lot, but I haven't; I'm too worried about someone finding out.

I don't know what to do to get out of it before I'm really beyond coming back from it, but more worryingly I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it.

Just needed to get that out. :<

Eir · 15-05-2016, 02:56 PM

Welcome back.
Sorry to hear it's been so tough lately. Have you thought of making contact with professionals, like a counsellor or your gp? Probably better to pre-empt self harm. Even if you aren't quite ready to completely open up it might help somewhat
We are here to *listen*, you are always welcome here.

crazykat · 16-05-2016, 10:40 AM

Things sound like they have been very hard for you, specifically in more recent times. Losing people in our lives is hard whether that be through death or just losing touch. It can make us feel even more alone than we already feel. I don't think your a worthless annoyance to your friend, I think that is your own judgement but at the same time I can understand wanting to keep the mental health stuff separate from them.

You have done really well to open up to us here about what is going on for you, even if that is just acknowledging your own personal painful struggles. It's okay to be unsure whether you want help or not, I think that is something your not alone in. There can be many barriers stopping us from wanting help, whether that be fear of what others will think or the thought of whether we deserve help or not or even the thought that we should be able to manage this by ourselves. Whatever the reason remember that it's okay to ask for help and that relapses happen sometimes but it doesn't mean that we are back at square one.

Perhaps in assessing your decision about whether to reach out for help or not you could write out a list of all the pros and cons you can think of for reaching out for support. I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope you can find some sort of peace and also get the support you need to once again up yourself get back on track.