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Graphic - Your eyes, undressing me on the train, as if raping me was not enough..
Four days ago when sitting on the train i saw him, the guy that had raped me three times. The moment i saw him i could feel my tears fighting to come out but i pushed them back. He sat five meters apart and stared at me,it felt like he was undressing me in his head. The panic grew and i did not know what to do. The first time since the rapes that i saw him in person and not in my nightmares since it happened. The tears began running down my face and i had to call my sister but nothing helped.
Since i saw him the nightmares are more and more detailed and i remember it just as before but it is much more clear. I see him every day, not only on the nights anymore.
I can feel his hands touching my body, his disgusting breath when he kissed my neck against my will, his voice as he began moaning of pleasure, his cold and wet tounge as he began licking my body and his spit running down my stomach. When he pulled my underwear down i just layed there like i had since he had begun. I tried to fool him that i was sleeping but i know that he knew that i was awake but he did not mind, he enjoyed it. It began so innocent, i layed in one side of the corner sofa and he moved from the little couch to the other side of the corner sofa. His feet touched mine and i accepted that, i thought he was gonna stop there but i was wrong. Little did i know that his feet touching mine would lead to him pushing his dick inside of me.
Everybody says that it was not rape, i just layed there, i should have hit him, "you could have done something, do not make your self a victim". The first questions when i told my closest friends was;
- What did you wear?
. Were you drunk?
He raped me two times that night and once the morning before he left no matter what everybody else say, i am the only one who knows what happened. He left as if nothing had happened. After he had left i went into the kitchen, i panicked and took the closest knife. I sat there shaking on the floor, i cut and cut and cut and the blood was pouring out. I crawled into the shower to calm down and i sat there staring on the wall, i felt so empty, the only thing i felt was the water dripping down my filthy body, i washed my body endless times but i felt so filthy, so scanky, so disgusted by what had happened to me.
Every time that i look on my body i see the things i did, i do not own my body, he does and because of that i have come to hate everything about my body.Everybody including my own sister denied it and my ex first and only question was;
- When will you want to have sex with me again then?
I just accepted it and stopped talking about it. I chose to tell my father a month later, he became furious, he wondered why i did not tell him, why i did not resist, every possible question you can imagine a father asking his newly raped daughter. He ended up in tears, he never culd imagine that it could have happened me, his little daughter.
It must have looked funny to anybody who could have seen it, he is so short, his head reached my boobs and he had barely no strength compared to me but i became paralyzed, it would not have mattered if he was big or small, i would have reacted the same.
I can not sleep, i can not think and i will never get rid of him and the way he made me feel. I want to cut so bad, help me somebody!
Last edited by TrueToMyHeart : 10-01-2015 at 02:44 PM.
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