You're not stupid in the slightest, you're in a lot of pain. Is there anything you can do to make yourself feel safer and more comfortable tonight? Observing your glitter lamp and making snacks all seem like good, soothing ideas. You're working very, very hard to manage things despite the conflict inside and how much distress you're experiencing. I hope that things settle soon. Keep talking here.
Thanks. I feel like I should get out while it's still daylight but don't know if I can hold things together outside or if I would end up buying stuff to overdose on.
I managed to phone my CPN but she wasn't about. I don't know if I'm going to be able to answer the phone if/when she calls me back.
I wish I could knock myself out.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think it was a very brave thing to do to phone her, and I'm sorry she wasn't around. I hope you feel able to answer if/when she calls back and that you're able to say that you're in crisis. But if you can't, please be gentle with yourself. Negative inner-talk will just make things feel worse and you don't deserve that.
I don't know if I should really use the word crisis. I feel like I will end up telling her that I don't need anything and I'm managing and I just won't have the words to explain how awful things are. Is this even a crisis? It does feel like one but, I don't know, maybe I don't deserve to have it acknowledged. And I'm safe enough for now anyway so it can't be that much of a crisis. If I answer the phone I know I won't be able to get anything across.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN didn't manage to phone back today. I hope she does tomorrow and I'm able to answer and she can do something to help. I now have the whole evening ahead of me and I don't know how to cope. Crisis are visiting me again on Saturday but it's the one person who isn't helpful for me plus one other person but the unhelpful one always takes over when she's on. So I might not be getting any proper support for a while. I'm seeing my support worker on Monday but we're going to the library and I don't think I can talk to her about things in there. I'm not seeing my CPN till the 30th. I don't know if she could offer me an earlier appointment. I really don't want to fight any more, I wish killing myself was easier.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
If I get to speak to my CPN tomorrow she might just say I'm getting a visit from crisis anyway and offer nothing more. Even if she offered more those options are only to see the duty CPNs, to have an earlier appointment with my CPN if she's not taking time off, or go into hospital which likely won't be offered. None of those options will make anything better. Hospital would just physically trap me and expose me to the pain of others. Life is one huge agony and the only way to make it stop is to kill myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN didn't manage to phone me today. I was hoping I could talk to her and she would maybe arrange an earlier appointment with her and/or arrange for me to see the duty CPNs over the weekend. I don't feel able to contact the duty team myself. The informal crisis team have changed when they're coming to visit me because obviously there is someone more important than me. They don't know what I'm going through and I know that's only my fault. Life feels like it's getting very close to being unmanageable.
I'm thinking about asking if something can be done with my meds but I'm sure I've asked my current CPN before and she was kind of anti meds or maybe it was that the previous psychiatrist wasn't keen on meds. I can't remember. I don't want to ask about it and be seen as medication seeking or be laughed at in a way because meds won't help. I'm so desperate and this general agony doesn't seem to be able to be soothed by psychological or lifestyle things. I can't say x, y, z is what is making me feel so awful so therefore things can't be focused on and changed.
If I could self harm like I used to then maybe things would be a bit easier but my body doesn't respond to injury in the way that it used to. It doesn't help much.
I'm so suicidal.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so sorry your CPN wasn't able to phone you today. I know how much courage it took you to reach out to her. That's frustrating that the informal crisis team have changed the time of your appointment. Do you know if it's because of another patient? I'm just wondering if there could be other reasons, like perhaps they want to make sure they've got time to spend with you properly without distractions. I hear how painful it feels to have an appointment changed though when you're trying so hard to hold on.
It doesn't sound medication-seeking to me to want to explore medication options. I think it's worth mentioning. It's alright to know what you might need more than anyone else who knows you tbh. You've been dealing with things for so long, kind of like you're the expert in you? Just to advocate for psychology, though, sometimes change and new ways of thinking can still come after many, many years. There are so many different approaches, and it's not up to you on your own to know what needs to be tackled.
The informal crisis team are never usually busy in the afternoon which was why they initially arranged the visit for 2pm. So even then they were thinking about when other people wouldn't need them. I know it could also be that they were thinking about when they'd be able to give me time but it doesn't feel that way. Now they are changing things again because someone obviously needs them when they were supposed to see me. I sound really pathetic and ungrateful, I don't mean it that way at all. I just very easily feel like I am worth nothing. I'm never going to be able to explain how hard things are anyway, especially since one of the people who are coming is the one person who usually just makes things worse for me when I talk to her so I 100% always hang up now if she answers the phone.
I'm not 'allowed' to have psychology because it doesn't deal well with my level of potential risk. My CPN thinks I will always be quite high risk so I don't know where that leaves me with talking therapy since she does think psychology could be really useful, although I have tried it a few times before. I am grateful for the support I get from my CPN though and the chance to talk things through with her. I know it's not the same as psychology but when I've been in psychology I've mostly felt the relationship with the psychologist to be the thing that has helped and I have a good relationship with my CPN so that's all that really matters to me right now. I don't believe I can get better or achieve much, I just want to be able to manage and to be allowed to manage.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You don't sound ungrateful or pathetic. I know how it feels to feel like you're bottom of the list. Maybe it's something to express with them or your CPN when you next meet.
That makes sense about the relationship with your CPN or a psychologist being important. Those sorts of attachments, when they're managed well, can be an extremely valuable part of healing if you have experienced attachment trauma.
Speaking about medication when you next see someone you trust sounds proactive and thoughtful.
First off I know it was a while ago in the thread now but I can very much relate to you feeling like they always focus on EUPD- I've had similar frustrating experiences
I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I can see how your mind very quickly interprets lots of things as "aha, I must be worth nothing" and whilst hopefully that could be improved if you had access to psychological therapy, given that they're not offering that you'd think they could at least be very careful about ensuring that you do feel valued and worthy of their time! Which you absolutely are. When did they rearrange the visit to? If it's already happened, I hope it went well.
If you don't feel able to directly remind staff to read the agreed plan (I agree that that's scary!) would you feel able to tell a staff member you trust or your CPN after you deal with someone who clearly hasn't read it? Then they can try to fix that.
I don't know if this helps at all, but these people are paid to look after you. It is their job and you do not have to do anything to deserve their care and support. And I bet a lot of them are glad when it's you they are visiting or talking to, as they will deal with many people significantly less pleasant than you!
It went better than expected with crisis although I was really, really anxious beforehand and they were half an hour late (because they had a phone call, which is absolutely fine). Because they had changed the time from the afternoon to the evening my previous key worker was working along with the unhelpful person and my previous key worker did most of the leading and talking so that was good. I don't think the visits are going to make it any easier for me to phone crisis though so when they stop I'll be on my own with things again. I maybe should have mentioned that people aren't following my plan/guidelines last night since it was my previous key worker I saw, she'll be visiting again in a couple of weeks or something so I will try and remember to say to her then.
I'm worried that maybe I can't rely on my CPN since she didn't return my last 2 calls. I understand that she is busy and maybe just didn't have time but she knows when I call things are really bad. The first time (in December maybe) I thought maybe she hadn't got the message but I'm sure that wouldn't happen twice in a row. I'll see my support worker tomorrow and she and my CPN will decide that is enough and I don't need to speak to my CPN. There probably is no point speaking to her anyway.
I feel suicidal but trapped until my body decides it's going to die, I can't seem to push past human fear to get suicide right. People probably think I'm not really suicidal. My body doesn't even respond to physical damage the way it used to and the way I want it to.
And now it's dark outside.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
We do think you're suicidal, I don't know if that's much reassurance but we know and understand that suicide is complex and not black and white.
Well done for seeing crisis yesterday and that it wasn't so bad. It seems worth mentioning that your plan isn't really being followed, maybe it's worth jotting down some bullet points to help remind you.
I really hope you'll be able to check out with your CPN why she hasn't phoned you the last two times. It's possible that she might not have picked up the messages or something got lost in communication? Hopefully she'll be able to offer her thoughts either way and leave you feeling less like you haven't been listened to, as it takes an awful lot of courage for you to phone and ask for help.
What does it mean for you when it's dark outside? I know things are more difficult for you then, I'm just wondering if you had a sense of why the darkness makes things worse and wanted to talk about it?
When it's dark outside I feel trapped inside. Also I just feel more tired so can't focus on much which means there isn't a lot I can do to occupy myself and I get wound up and distressed. There can also sometimes be urges to wander especially when the weather is bad during the evening and I usually manage not to wander but that makes me feel guilty because I'm not doing anything to help the other world or the people in this world.
It felt kind of weird yesterday to hear my previous key worker say it's ok not to do more stuff/push myself if it's going to make me unwell. I always feel like I'm going to have to defend myself when talking about how little I manage. I don't know if she is more understanding than others or if it's just my fear that people want to push me. Life is about moving forward but I wish people would allow me to just do my best to manage life as it is. I didn't seem to have to defend myself about wanting a med review either but I do wonder if the other worker was judging me but just not saying anything. I think people think I'm a lazy fake but I battle so hard every day and wouldn't manage additional things on top of that. I am a waste of space.
I don't know if I'll be able to say much about how I've been when I see my support worker tomorrow. There are no words anyway, I could hardly describe things to crisis last night. No one will understand my pain because they aren't around to witness it. I don't know how I'd explain what my symptoms are if I was asked what I thought meds might be able to help with. If I can't communicate I will never be heard.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’m glad your previous key worker was understanding of your situation and reassured you that it’s ok not to push yourself to do stuff. I doubt the other person was judging you but even if she was it doesn’t make her right- I assume she doesn’t know you as well as your previous key worker and also isn’t she not very nice? Both those mean that her opinion doesn’t matter!
Are there bits from here or your RV that you could print to show your support worker? For what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty good at communicating your feelings and situations on here.
It's so hard to explain things to anyone offline. I have printed stuff from here before and showed it to my CPN but it doesn't feel like she really hears me. Words don't reflect the level of intensity of the experiences I have. I feel like my CPN doesn't hear me because when things are really terrible she doesn't sense the huge pain or danger I'm in. Because I say the same words, and I'm always suicidal to some degree so the words lose their power. My CPN does often acknowledge how much I struggle and I do feel heard then so I must be communicating something at least. When I was in hospital the ward manager said he had never seen me so agitated and I tried to explain how I was to my CPN but it had no real impact because she didn't see it happening. People tend to rely on what they can see and apart from me always fidgeting and rocking slightly I'm usually composed enough during appointments. Things can dampen down in appointments because I'm with someone getting support so I look mostly ok and then I'll leave and everything comes crashing down again and I wish I had managed to communicate better in the appointment. I am probably heard as much as an individual human can be, I know we can't totally understand the experiences of other people, but I just feel so alone and like it's my fault.
I think my support worker today will have taken away lots of positives because my positive actions are easier to explain than my distressed feelings. Plus I tend to say 'yeah I'll try x, y, z' even if I might actually not be able to do it. My CPN didn't phone me today and I'm guessing she's not going to phone me back and will just wait to see me at my appointment next week.
I'm really fine anyway. I'm not doing anything serious.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
