Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Seeing someone soon...

[[pretty on the inside]]

My therapy appointment has finally come through, but I have no idea what to say to anyoe about the whole abuse thing. I doubt they will ask specifically "so, were you ever sexually abused?" or anything and I just dont know whether they will think it's important or what... I don't know. I feel I should have gotten over this.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic

One of my ex-boyfriends tied me down and I let him, because I trusted him at the time. I told him I didn't want to do anything but he put his fingers inside me. It hurt and I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. I shouted and tried to stop him from doing it. He told me if I didn't let him do it, I'd never get anywhere in life. He put me down and emotionally blackmailed me. He tried to force himself between my legs and he didn't stop until I screamed and kicked him hard. Oh, and later I found out that he'd been accused of sexual assault before and he raped someone else... and he's still out there, because none of us reported it, so if he does it again and some other girl becomes withdrawn, depressed and becomes trapped in a vicious ED cycle, it's all my fault.

I can't talk to anyone about this. Because I'm drunk, this is the first time I've been able to even write it down coherently. I feel dirty and I want to be clean, that's why I starve, cut, purge... but how can I ever talk about this to a therapist? I don't feel ready to face this and talk about it. Last time I had therapy it did nothing for me because I couldn't bring myself to talk about anything.
I don't know what to do, thanks for reading xx

[Namaste]

Aw, honey, you didn't deserve that... no one does. But if it happens to another girl it won't be your fault... it will still be his. Because in those kind of situations it's often too painful or embarassing to report, so trust me, you aren't the only one. And you may not seem ready to talk about it, but once you do it's out and it's over with and you never have to do it again. I'm here for you honey... please take care, and I wish you the best of luck!

[lydia.]

heya,
you're really brave for being up for therapy. you're doing the right thing though, and i really do hope that it will help you.
what you went through, it was not your fault.
how does it feel to have typed all that out for the first time? i know it can be scary to learn to trust new people, but you can do it. it may take some time to develop the relationship with your therapist to the stage where you can trust talking to them about the abuse you suffered. maybe consider printing this off, or writing it down, and showing it to them when you're ready? remember, they're there to help you. they won't judge you, just help you to learn how to get your life back. i think talking through the reasons behind when you cut yourself, and starve & purge, will help you to get to a place where you will be ready for recovery, the recovery that you deserve.
let us know how it goes yeh?
xx