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Old 13-06-2018, 06:22 PM   #1
Serendipity.
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Even more stress, discharge, etc.

Sorry sorry sorry, really just need a place to talk and hopefully for someone to tell me I can do this!

I'm moving on Friday, starting a new job on Sunday. I'm SO scared! I really am terrified. It's different to what I've done before and I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Trying to tell myself it'll be okay and it doesn't really matter if it isn't, I'm only on the bank (though I do have a lot of shifts booked) so if I hate it I can just not book any more and look for something else. Still scared though!! And getting super anxious about starting uni in September. Though I am looking forward to it!

My CC referred me to the CMHT where I'm moving to and they turned it down because I'm too well at the moment. Which is okay, I expected that to happen, I am too well! But it's also not ideal because obviously I am stressed but also because my medication probably needs reviewed and there is no time for that to happen here so we'll just have to cross our fingers that my new GP will be willing and able to deal with it. I'm on lithium and it works pretty well for me (when I take it lol) but recently it was reduced due to lithium levels going higher than they should have been. But now they've dropped to being only just within the therapeutic range (which for me tends to mean that I'll be okay and functioning but have a lot more issues). I saw my CC today and she thought my mood was going up. I don't really know if I agree, there are reasons to think that but I feel more wound up and agitated and frustrated and want-to-punch-someone-in-the-face than 'high'. I think it's mostly stress but she might have a point that the reduction in medication isn't helping!

She's been amazing, I'm really lucky to have had her. If I'd have been staying here we'd have spent the next three months working towards discharge but as it is I'm going from seeing her every 1-2 weeks for the past year to no support from services. Which is okay, I do need to be able to get on with life myself! But not ideal doing it this way! She's not happy and is going to get back to the CMHT saying that things have changed based on my presentation today blah blah but I very much doubt it will make any difference, or that it should really!

I've been struggling with sleep for ages and I doubt that that will change after I've moved as I'll still be doing night shifts until I can find a job where I get enough hours with no night shifts! When I saw the psych before the next step would have been to add a sedative AD and I'm kind of hoping my new GP will do that but my CC isn't keen for obvious reasons. But I'm desperate to sleep properly! I'm so frustrated because even doing everything right I can't ****ing sleep.

I still need to pack. I am nowhere near ready to move. Someone tell me to pack! It's my last day at work tomorrow. Work is RIDICULOUS at the moment. It's really not my problem and I only have one more day there so I don't know why I care but I do care.


Last edited by Serendipity. : 13-06-2018 at 06:37 PM. Reason: to/too issues!!


"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 13-06-2018, 07:29 PM   #2
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Oh lovely! Go Pack!

You can completely do this! Do you think you could make a GP appointment sometime soon after moving? So that there is someone keeping an eye on things, they might be a bit more aware of how to put things across to the local CMHT to get helpful input from them!

High moods can be dysphoric as well as euphoric so do keep an eye on things!

Sorry can't really form a proper reply but want to say you are awesome and you got this!



In my dreams I slew the dragon


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Old 16-06-2018, 11:16 PM   #3
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Thank you lovely! <3

That might be a good idea. I think I'll be able to register with the GP sometime this week so I guess I can make an appointment if I need to.

I did pack eventually and I've moved now! I already feel like this was a terrible idea. I don't even know why, I just feel terrible! I have my first shift with the new job tomorrow and I really, really don't want to. I'm actually dreading it so much! I am genuinely so scared.

I feel really alone here. I don't know why.

I feel horrible. I'm a horrible mix of restless and agitated and anxious and sad and tired. I keep wanting to cry but I don't think I'd stop!

I'm hoping that it doesn't mean this was a mistake and that I can't do it.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 17-06-2018, 04:29 PM   #4
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You're bound to be feeling so much anxiety and questioning things because these are big changes you've made and you're right at the beginning of them. Be kind to yourself and sort out some support to get you through this time. I hope that as time passes you'll feel more comfortable. How has today been?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-06-2018, 05:19 PM   #5
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Thanks lovely x

I feel HORRIBLE. I'm so sad and tired but also agitated and just not good. I really don't like the job so far. It's not like what I've done before and I hate not knowing what I'm doing and how the services run etc. Maybe it will get better but it doesn't feel like it right now.

I feel really isolated. I don't know anyone except my parents. I need to make the effort to get out and meet people, and I will, it's just difficult right now.

I don't even know what I'd do if things get worse. I can call my old CC, she said I could, but I wouldn't feel comfortable. I can't register with the GP here until I have proof of address, so I need to wait until my driving licence arrives or a letter from the bank. Hopefully it won't take too long, I don't want to run out of meds.

I feel like I've gone from a job that was stressful but I enjoyed to a job I hate, no friends and no support. I know that's a really negative way of looking at things and I'm trying not to!



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 19-06-2018, 11:29 PM   #6
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Hey sweets,

I hope things start to settle down soon. Like it has been said you've done a few major things at the same time. They say moving house is one of the most stressful things a person can do.

If you do almost run out of meds take a box and a copy of your prescription to any pharmacy and they will give you some to tide you over until you can get an appointment. Just don't do what I did and realise at 10:30pm the day before going away for a week.

I'm really sorry to hear services are being ****. If you do need support please consider ringing cc she wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it, also means you would get more backing with the new cmht.

Also, you wouldn't say to me about how I should be able to deal without services so be kinder to yourself.

You've got this girl. You can do this and you will.



Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in




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Old 25-06-2018, 04:18 PM   #7
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How are you getting on Hannah? I hope you're at least managing to find some soothing time for yourself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-06-2018, 09:26 PM   #8
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Thank you so much lovelies <3

I'm really not feeling great. I'm struggling a lot with the job. I actually hate it. I'm looking for other stuff and have an interview on Weds, though it's a bit far to travel really. We'll see.

My (old) CC called today. It looks like the CMHT here will take me on for a short period anyway. I feel bad because she had to really push for it and I don't think they were too happy. She said based on her experience so far it doesn't inspire confidence in them lol. But hopefully it means I can at least get my meds reviewed (not exactly holding my breath though!) Anyway they've asked for a CPA handover which won't happen for a few weeks so until then I can call my CC if I'm struggling or whatever.

I just feel shitty. It's so horrible feeling like this because it just takes over and makes you feel like you've always felt bad and will always feel bad. I'm trying so hard to remember that that isn't actually true.

I'm trying to do nice/helpful things. it's frustrating when it doesn't really see to make that much difference, though I know I would feel worse if I didn't bother.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 26-06-2018, 04:01 PM   #9
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*hugs if wanted* I'm really sorry that you're feeling horrible and are struggling. Do you think there is no way the job will improve? I know that things hurt right now but I'd say that most of the time things to eventually end up ok, it's a matter of holding on and finding ways to look after yourself and ease your stress and horrible emotions.

I hope the CMHT are helpful despite not initially being so, you totally deserve some support. It's good that your CC is there for you for now, do you think you'd feel able to call her if you needed to?

You are totally right that when you feel bad all you can focus on is the bad feelings that are in the present and the past and you think the future will be all bad too, even if that's not the truth. I also understand the feeling of doing things that don't seem to help much but that things would likely be worse if you stopped doing those things. Keep going and build on those things. Big respect. You are trying so hard and I hope your efforts pay off soon. You can get through this, it just takes time.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-06-2018, 09:36 PM   #10
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Thank you lovely <3

I don't really think the job will get better tbh. I just really don't like it. I am honestly dreading having to go in. It's a bit of a nightmare with travelling as well as the buses aren't great and I keep having to go to different places. I know I signed up for that but I really hate it. I'm applying for other things, or trying to when my brain will cooperate anyway. I had an interview yesterday but I won't find out until next week and I don't think I'll get it.

I honestly don't know if it's just that though. I feel awful. I feel so, so low. Today has been bad, I feel so weighed down it's been impossible to get myself to do anything. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I can't stand this. It's happened really quickly. I don't know what to do to make it better.

I don't know about contacting my CC. I feel bad and there's not really anything she can do. Like, I think sometimes it helps even just seeing someone in person and being able to chat about general **** but also have them acknowledge how crap you feel. But I don't really get that from phone calls.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 29-06-2018, 09:51 PM   #11
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I'm sorry things are difficult flower. What makes you think you won't get the job you interviewed for?

Bank work is really difficult, and I think even if you knew that going in it doesn't necessarily mean it'll be any easier to manage. Taking it a day at a time (as I'm sure you are already) will hopefully help it feel a bit less overwhelming.

I still think calling your CC might be helpful - hearing a familiar voice can go a long way :) and trying to plan in small and nice things for yourself. I'm sorry I don't have any more helpful suggestions but I am thinking of you and know that things will get better x x x





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Old 10-07-2018, 10:50 PM   #12
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Thank you lovely. Sorry, I meant to reply before. Sorry to bump now.

I did get the job. Need references etc to come through and then I can start hopefully. I'm hoping it will be better. I think it will but it's a scary new thing again! Current job is still awful but not as bad. Getting used to it a bit I guess. Still don't like it though.

Really struggling with living at home. I find it so difficult to switch off from my parents' 'stuff' even though I know there's nothing I can do and really it's none of my business.

I feel really, really low. I know part of it is because I'm in the middle of a horrible run of night shifts but also I just generally feel awful. I'm trying so hard to do helpful things but I feel so overwhelmed and sad. I keep thinking about hurting myself. I don't think I will. I would like to though.

I haven't heard anything from the CMHT. But my GP has said they won't continue to prescribe my meds if I'm not with them. I know there's no point in stressing about it until I know what's happening but I am. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I feel like maybe calling my (old) CC but I feel too guilty. I hate being so pathetic and needy.

I just feel so low and hopeless and I really don't want to **** up work and starting uni because of it.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 11-07-2018, 06:16 PM   #13
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It isn't pathetic or needy to phone your cc, not knowing is awful especially when it is about something as important as being able to continue to take your medication. I'm sure they will want to help to avoid things getting more unsettled.

Need to dash, sorry this is short. Thinking of you x



In my dreams I slew the dragon


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Old 11-07-2018, 07:31 PM   #14
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I totally agree. Your CC said it's ok for you to get in touch with her and I really think you should. I understand your feelings of guilt etc about phoning but it has been offered and you deserve support.

Do you manage to get your own space at home? I know it can be really difficult being around family especially when they have their own stuff going on.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-07-2018, 12:26 AM   #15
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Thank you both, I really appreciate it x

I might try to give her a call tomorrow or Friday. I just feel really bad about doing it. I feel dreadful though. I'm on a night shift tonight and I'm having to try so hard not to just sit and cry. I'm so, so tired and sad.

I had to go into the new job today to show them my documents and stuff. Which was fine, it seems really good and I'm excited about starting. But the manager was saying I'll be sent a health form with my paperwork, and asked if there was anything she should know about. She mentioned a few things specifically including mental health so I told her. I know I didn't *have to* at this point and she probably shouldn't really have asked but I'd rather be honest. I said I'm doing fine though. I don't mind her knowing and she was fine with it, but I do feel like I really, really need to get off to a good start and prove that I'm okay and can do the job. But I'm not and I'm so scared that I will struggle.

I hate this. I'm so tired of finding life so hard so much of the time. I really don't know how to make it better.

I have an interview for another job on Friday as well. It would mean that I could hopefully give up this one completely. It's after a night shift though so I'm not holding my breath!

I feel like I'm trying so hard to do things and manage all the changes and keep doing that in spite of feeling like ****, and I could really use some support. And/or a medication review at least. But I also understand that I'm doing okay compared to most people who use MH services and there probably isn't really a need for it. So I hate to ask. Hate to phone (old) CC. Don't want to hassle them about what's happening.

Sorry, such a ramble. Most of this could probably have gone in my r/v.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 12-07-2018, 09:17 AM   #16
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I get it. It is hard when you are mostly functioning even if it is bloody hard to do so. You deserve the help as much as anyone else. If a medication review will help you stay on the side of functioning I think it would be worth doing things that might help it like phoning your cc. I know you have said you will just giving a bit more encouragement that it is ok to do so!!

Did the gp mention doing a referral to the cmht?

Home sounds tough. It is always hard to go back harder still when it is a stressful environment. Is there any where a short walk from them you could go to escape your parents stuff? Just to get a bit of headspace?



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Old 13-07-2018, 06:52 PM   #17
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You are totally trying so hard, I can hear how difficult it is but you keep battling on. You don't have to face all of this on your own if there are people (old CC) who are willing to help in whatever way they can. I don't think it's a huge deal to ask for a medication review, that's what services are there for. Maybe your CC could try again to push for things. I'm sure that it's in many peoples best interests for you to do well in your job so it's not even selfish to ask for support.

Did you manage to speak to anyone today? Was it today that your interview was?

I know that you're struggling lots and are feeling very low. Time keeps passing and hopefully time will ease things and things will settle for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-07-2018, 06:21 PM   #18
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Thank you lovelies xx

I really appreciate the reassurance that it's okay to call her. I haven't managed to yet. I was going to but I couldn't bring myself to, I feel too bad. It's a bit of an odd situation, as far as I know she's still technically my cc as my care hasn't been handed over to the team here. They had reluctantly agreed to it and said they'd have a meeting in a couple of weeks, that was three weeks ago and I haven't heard anything. I know things take time though and it's not urgent so I don't want to hassle anyone. So the GP didn't need to do a referral but she said she was going to write to them due to the meds thing.

I am going to have to try to call her tomorrow though I think. I'm really, really struggling. I feel really low. I keep obsessing about self harm. Though I'm sure I wouldn't do anything. It's really hard though. I can't stand the thought of messing up everything I've worked for.

The interview was on Friday, yeah. I'm not sure how it went, I was very sleep deprived! I should find out tomorrow or Tuesday.

Home is difficult sometimes. It's not all bad, but I am finding it tough. There isn't really anywhere to go here and the buses stop quite early. But I could make an effort to get out for walks and such if I'm home in the evening.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 15-07-2018, 07:22 PM   #19
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I think it's 'easy' to keep telling yourself that because you're not planning to act on the self harm urges, then it's not really important and that you shouldn't call. If you had have self harmed, you'd then likely be telling yourself that it's not really bad enough to be important and that you shouldn't call... And so on!

But you are important and it is important. Absolutely as important as anyone else. *Hugs* make the call :)

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Old 16-07-2018, 02:33 PM   #20
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I can only reiterate that I hear you and I understand your reluctance to call your CC but it is honestly ok and I encourage you to do it. You are important and your health is important. Even if you start by saying to your CC your worries/issues about phoning her in the first place so she's aware, I'm sure she would also tell you it's ok to phone. I hope you manage to and it helps.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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