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Old 07-04-2007, 04:36 PM   #1
Stellata
 
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public apology

I want to apologise for my rather public flashback and dissociation a bit earlier.

Its just that my illness grabs me from behind when I am triggered in certain ways [its a lot to do with the whole idea of power/power over/powerlessness, to do with abuse and trauma in my past].

I get .. dislocated in time and space when it happens.

I am extra sensitive right now because-
  • I have PMT/S - I verge on losing touch with [present] reality the week before. That is right now.
  • My flatmates are coming back tonight. It'll be great to see them, but I am losing freedoms I have had the past couple of months, and that's hard. Not sure how I'll cope with that.
  • I had a bit too much sun when out on the meet yesterday - I get sensitive and depressed feelings the next day when I've had a lot of sun. Not sure why.
  • Its the Easter therapy break. Just over a week down, and several days to go until I start back. [on Wednesday 11th April].
  • Am still feeling a bit sensitive after yesterday's meet. The meet was great, but I tend to feel rather ... exposed. For someone with my history of long term severe bullying, that is only natural. Especially as the supporter folks I met are mainly at the age I was when the worst of the bulling took place. Subtle, the way things work with your subconscious.
I may have come across as ' attacking' in my posts earlier, I didn't mean it to be that way. I was feeling unsafe [due mainly to combo of causes listed above] and my internal protector came to the front. I hope she hasn't destroyed anything for me here at RYL.

I have just had a good cry [and I haven't been abke to cry for some time] so that's helped.

I just needed to explain. And say I'm sorry.

I do understand that the past isn't happening now, but for the Other Me, the past is still ocurring. Its a constant work in progress to move forward and away from the Other Me.

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Old 07-04-2007, 04:51 PM   #2
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*Cuddles you*.There's no need to apologise; I really hope you're okay now. xx



"When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.”


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Old 07-04-2007, 04:55 PM   #3
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Katie, I know you wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt anyone, and while I've no idea what went on earlier, I'm sure people will understand that.

I can empathise with the subconscious still being upset by the bullying- I only have to hear teenage girls laughter and I still feel anxious and panicky many years after the event.

And I hear you on the PMT thing too, it's horrible the way that messes with your head. *offers you some of the green and blacks choccy I'm eating right now, and some huggles*

I hope you're ok hun, we're here for you if you need to talk. xxx

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Old 07-04-2007, 04:59 PM   #4
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"I get .. dislocated in time and space when it happens."
That sounds a bit like you're in Dr Who's TARDIS, which makes you incredibly cool. (I know you're not really in a TARDIS, and the reality sucks muchly, but I have Dr Who on the brain.)

As paperdreams (Nat?) said, you don't need to apologise, just take care of yourself :) x

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Old 07-04-2007, 05:50 PM   #5
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Katie you have nothing to be sorry for - just take care of you and we are here should you need anything.

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Old 07-04-2007, 06:18 PM   #6
sherlock holmes
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I didn't even know anything had happened. *huggles you*.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 07-04-2007, 06:20 PM   #7
Alcohol Induced Altruism
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I don't know what happened but I hope you're feeling better now. Take care you xx



Hunger only for a taste of justice, hunger only for a world of truth, for all that you have is your soul.
I love BarrelO'Crazy



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Old 07-04-2007, 06:24 PM   #8
TruConfessions
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I don't think I know what happened but I am sure you have nothing to apologise sweetie, I'm here if you need to talk, pm me sweetie, I do mean it.

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Old 07-04-2007, 08:46 PM   #9
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No need :)

*huggles*

(see we do need hugs in general forums now!)

Harley

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Old 07-04-2007, 08:48 PM   #10
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Thank you.
I'm a bit better now.
My flatmates haven't returned yet, so I am sneaking online now just to check in. [and chack my pm's on v2 for supporter stuff]

Amy, its a bit like a Tardis. A time machine. But it only goes backwards to the bad stuff. And tangles up past and present. So I get confused and can't make an informed or neutral decision.

I've talked in therapy about having internal Daleks. [I was terrified of Dr. Who/the daleks as a child, I would hide behind the sofa. honest.]

And gratefully accepts chocolate. I've eaten nearly a whole big bar of M and S Fairtrade chocolate with almonds this afternoon!

And thanks Harley. Just seen your post just now. :)

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Old 07-04-2007, 08:49 PM   #11
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Awh, Katie *big cuddles*

As everyone else has said, there's really no need to apologise - we all know that you're a lovely, kind and caring person.

I hope you're feeling a little better now, sweeetheart. I'm always here if you need. x

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Old 07-04-2007, 08:53 PM   #12
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Thank you Kaya. *feels all extra warm and safe inside now*

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Old 07-04-2007, 09:48 PM   #13
sherlock holmes
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Yes! Hugs in GC!



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 07-04-2007, 11:31 PM   #14
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*huggles katherine*
I missed this but, seriously hun theres no need to apoligise.
It was also awesome to meet you on Friday. *nods*
Take care and i hope your soon feeling better!



Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in




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Old 08-04-2007, 02:31 AM   #15
Mandarin
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*hugs*

I hope all is well now. I know how flashbacks are.




Ambition makes you look pretty ugly.

Kicking squealing gucci little piggy.


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Old 08-04-2007, 07:35 AM   #16
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Katie, you are awesome. *cuddles you a lot*
There's no need to apologise; but I hope you're feeling better.
Much, Much Love.

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Old 08-04-2007, 10:45 AM   #17
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Take care of yourself, we're all here for you. xxx





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 08-04-2007, 01:55 PM   #18
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Thanks everyone.

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Old 08-04-2007, 01:58 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~longing~tears~ View Post
Thank you Kaya. *feels all extra warm and safe inside now*
:)

*More cuddles*

Take care of you.

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