|
Oh Boy
I had an account on here quite some time ago, back when I was still living with my abuser. I don't remember the username or the password, but I don't care to find it, if I'm being honest. I know I recounted specific details of my abuse on that account, and I'm not sure I really want to see those right now.
I'm not gonna lie, I didn't really recover properly, ever. I mean, sure, I stopped self-harming, but only to turn to drinking, something I'm still doing to this day. And sure, I have a medical marijuana license which I'm supposed to use to get weed for panic attacks and ****, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I was using it properly.
And I never truly dealt with my trauma, I just tried to block it out. Even when I was still living there, I would just constantly try to forget and ignore everything that was still happening. And I never lost that habit. I moved out, but I never moved on. And as much as I'd liked to think those memories were gone, I think I always knew they never were.
But I truly came to terms with that recently. Yesterday, I binge-watched Jessica Jones on Netflix. I'd convinced myself that I was fine, that the show wouldn't effect me, even if it frequently talked about sexual abuse. Then I went to bed, had several nightmares, and all those memories came flooding back.
It made me realize these memories never really left, and neither did my pain. I just locked them away and tried to ignore them. I thought I'd locked them away in some cast iron case or something, but all it took was one stupid show to bring everything back. I should've known the show would effect me like that, but I suppose it's too late now.
Regardless, here I am, yet again, because I don't wanna end up self-harming again, or any of the other **** I did to cope. It's only been like a year or so since I stopped, and I know how easy it is to get addicted to pain again, since I got off it several times before. And I don't want to turn to drugs again, either.
I know I'll probably eventually need to come to terms with the **** that happened, but therapists are quite expensive, and I don't have the mental strength to do it on my own. For now, I'll just come here for help, like I did in the good old days.
|
