woah....ok maybe I should add some extra info because this has got a little out of context (but thankyou to those who support me *hugs*
My friends death WAS preventable and the hospital ARE responsible...as in they are under investigation and her psych has been dismissed. This is because a coupl of months ago whilst Kat (r.i.p) and I were in hospital we were both very suicidal and were wrongly talking about how it was possible in the ward...the ONE way that we thought of it...is the one way I tried but fortunetly staff intervened in this case and is also the way that Kat did it....I specifically put in a report to remove the "items" which made it possible, as did 2 other patients (that I know of)...their reaction to me was "Whatever Lauren, nobody will actually get hurt that way" laughed at me and walked off! THIS is why I am angry at the hospital and out of grieve/anger this is what made me say what I said. Also when Kat was in ICU the doctor told her mum, dad and me that the amount of brain damage that occured meant that she wasn't breathing for at least 30-45mins....she was apparently on 15 minute checks...work that one out!
I'm sorry for all this anger, it is not directed at anyone on RYL, I really do appreciate your support and feedback.
I might actually say that my diagnosis is Major Depression, Anxiety, EDNOS, PTSD and "traits of BPD", not the disorder itself, however I associate myself with the illness and docs and nurses label and stimigatize me with it anyway....I DO lose touch with reality (mainly due to PTSD) and that was the reason I was in hospital as I had hullicinated and went to the city with my dead friend...call it grieve, call it whatever, I was not in a good state of mind...I was ILL...as EVERYONE is when they are in hospital or struggling with anything *hugs all*
No illness deserves more or less support then others...some need more intense medication or therapy...but everybody deserves support.
Of course if they are 1st going to send be to the hospital where they turned off her life support and the locked me in the psych ward, in the bedroom next to where she did...I am going to be upset, the nurse was out of line, I was out of line, I apologise, he did as well...we both sat and cired together over Kat but lack of communication blew it out of proportion so that all the nurses were treating me horrible...that is not right!
Grief is not a controllable thing...I have found that out the hard way...Ive lost my best friend and when I needed the most support it was provided in a way that made it worse.
And for fact BPD falls under the DSM-IV as a mental illness...and the doctor was out of line and actually made me feel more suicidal and guilty over the situation....which last time I check wasn't their job
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
Sorry if that came off harsh or if I offended anyone, I am realy upset and I apoligise for taking it out on here *hugs*
Its 6am, I havent slept and the day after her memorial...so it's all a bit fresh
thanks again for your support and feedback, it is greatly appreciated
xxoooxx
Last edited by lozstar88 : 04-10-2009 at 08:55 PM.
Reason: ...
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
Thanks for explaining more. ((hugs gently)) See the different mind states - how much clearer your post explaining above is? Not that your original post was unclear or that I'm judging it in any way, just to draw your attention to it, really.
EDIT - no, not harsh at all. In fact I appreciate your explaining more clearly. Although it all is so raw for you, you seem in a calmer and clearer state of mind about it all today.
Last edited by Stellata : 04-10-2009 at 08:59 PM.
Reason: Saw your second post apologising.
*huge hugs* for Stellata...yeah I need to learn to breathe or just think before I write lol
xxoxx
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
I think we all have those moments! I know I have!
It's good to let the anger out safely, then later we when things're cooler, we can look at things in a more rounded perspective.
I have many of those moments, and I agree with you with everything you've said. You're strong though, you can get through this. Don't let anyone say otherwise. You'll make it through the other side.
I'm here if you'd like to talk.
R.I.P to your friend hon...
That must have been (and be) extremely hard for you. Thanks for explaining more, I understand a lot more than when I first read it (though I didn't post) and you know, I think it's natural and absolutely ok to be angry. Honest.
Take care, and I am so sorry for what you have been through.
xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I just wanted to add my support to you hunni, you have every right to be angry with them, try and stay strong for your friend xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
It might be worth ringing the police or whoever are investigating your friends death and making a statement. If you feel well and able enough to do that, that is.
I am disgusted by how you have been treated.
Also, you mentioned being diagnosed with BPD traits, and also being in an adolescent ward, are you under 18? If you are, then I Would fight really hard against the stigma, because they've no right to give you that diagnosis until you are 18, and the recommendation is a minimum age of 21, I am saying this because I was misdaignosed with bpd at the age of 18, in adolescent services I was told i had strong traits and basically treated (the way you are to some extent) as if I was borderline etc, then the week of my 18th (literally I have my notes) I was diagnosed with bpd by my child and adolescent psychiatrist (who had told me as he wasn't an adult psychiatrist wasn't qualitifed to) and then I had to go through the hell of challenging it and getting people to realise I had just been an unwell teenager living and reacting to an insane world. I really feel for you, it is such a **** situation to be in and I really hope you, and your friend (rip) get justice for this how mistreated you have been.
*cuddles gently my sweet twinny* am so sorry they treated you in that way hun. I dont have many words at all right now (sorry) but am thinking of you and here for you always. Love you
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Of course you can't control it. Because being in hospital totally puts you in control, right? What bullshit. I am so sick of the nurse's **** over bpd. In the DSVM=illness.
You know what I think. This wasn't your fault, you were majorly traumatised and you really showed how sorry you were. Poor baby.
And to people who think you can control it, where do you get off? Anyone in hospital is clearly not in control of themselves, no matter what the illness/'personality disorder'. And Loz shouldn't have the responsibility on her to be in control, she's sick and the nurses a) aren't and b) are trained to deal with people who have bpd and aren't in control, and still manage to say horrible out-of-line things.
thankyou baby *cuddles*
and you can say those things because you have been in that horrible hospital for similar things and some (not all) of the nurses treat you worse then a piece of **** on a bums shoe :p
their are some really caring and supportive nurses that work there but all their good work is out done by the horrible nurses who should have changed jobs years ago...because you can tell they would rather be anywhere but there
(((cuddles))))
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
Melancholia is my mummy Black Rose is my cupboard hiding in buddie All I'm Living For owns me...i'm her pet frog Aimee in Wonderland is my best-ever-man-girl-lover Lozza is my lovely care bear
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx