Beyond repair.

[chinahorse]

I'm so scared now. I had really bad panic attack today and by the time I'd recovered enough it was too late to call the mh team.

I really don't know if I can do this. I'm really scared.

[nonperson]

Do you think you could call them tomorrow? Might be useful to speak to someone during the day.

[chinahorse]

I will probably try to at least be in the same room as the other staff at lunch.

[nonperson]

I meant talking to mental health professionals for some extra support.

Good luck today!

[tamobhuuta]

Is today your new job? Good luck x

[Indigo.]

Good luck Lillie <3

[chinahorse]

Thanks guys. I survived lord knows how.

[nonperson]

Well done =) You're stronger than you realise, you know.

Was any of it enjoyable?

[chinahorse]

The hygienist I was working with was absolutely lovely. And she said she enjoyed working with me.

When I turned up I had to wait outside for 10 minutes also didnt have the code to the door. When I finally got in none of the staff were expecting me. The semi area manager turned up and hadnt even ordered my uniform so jn wearing trousers a size too big and only have 1 trouser and top in a job you need clean every day for. And they didn't have shoes either. I didnt get shown round or introduced to anyone. The manager pissed off about half 10. The rest of the girls morale was very low and they weren't welcoming. I'm meant to have 1 weekday off and sunday. They wont give a weekday off this week because I didnt start until Tuesday. They wont tell me what day I will have off so I can sort out if I can see my cpn next week and therapy the week after. And it's a new computer system to me and no one showed me it. And they dont haveenough instruments.

And I made contact with my mum for the first time in months to say I hope she had a good holiday and I was working with someone she knows. And all I got back was 'Xx'. Not even, hope it's going ok. Nothing to ask how it went this evening.

[nonperson]

I'm glad the hygienist was nice!

They seem a bit disorganised but hopefully everything will fall into place soon. =/

That's quite rubbish about your mum. Maybe she was busy and will get back to you with a proper answer soon.

[Unbreakable.]

I'm sorry everything was so chaotic on your first day, that sounds unreasonably stressful.

Well done for contacting your mum.
I feel like that is a really big and important step to take.

[tamobhuuta]

Well done coping with all that! I hope today is better.

[chinahorse]

I want to curl up in a ball and die. I feel so hideous.

[chinahorse]

Feel so trapped. Death is the only way out.

[tiptoes]

Do you want to talk about what you feel trapped about?

Death isn't the only way out although I can totally appreciate that it might feel like that right now.

[chinahorse]

I cant cope with working. I cant afford to live if I dont. I dont want to leave my bertie but I cant cope.

[Moonlight Princess]

Hi Lillie
It sounds like you did cope with that first day when it was really stressful so I just wanted to say well done for that but yeah it's understandable if having to deal with all that needless stress made the day feel overwhelming. How was the rest of your week?

[Unbreakable.]

How are you?

[Shirayuki]

how are you today China?

[chinahorse]

I'm struggling a lot. I feel very very alone. I feel very low and am self destructing.