August 16th, 2003. About 10pm. I'd just got back from my second Soul Survivor and I didn't want to be at home. I was sat in my room, with my books and my music and everything else, sobbing. Crying so hard, as hard as ever I have. I wanted something to do to fix the way I felt, something to make my brain slot into place.
There on my dressing table was a large pair of scissors with a red plastic handle. Somehow thinking that this might hold some sort of bizarre answer, I picked them up and scraped one of the blades across the top of my lower right arm. Again and again, till blood prickled to the surface.
A tiny cut, looking back. Less than half a centimetre long, barely wide enough to notice. But then, it was monumental.
If only someone had told me. Perhaps they did. If only I'd been able to listen.
*Squishes*
I can relate to that.
I hope you're ok lovely,
you are really amazing, I wish I knew you in person,
I wish I knew other people like you, you're so individual, so beautiful and so talented and I know im going to sound llike a complete stalker but I dont care. Im sorry this is no help, but its true, remember how wonderful you are. xx
Remembering can hurt like hell can't it? I know it's hard not to have any regrets Abi, but what happened happened. And as much as you wish you could change it, you can't. You can't change the past, you've just got to make most of the now. It is your past, and every moment has made you the person who you are today. The person who is loved and fabulous.
*squish*
Abi *Cuddles you* Remembering can be very, very painful but it's a learning experience too. Everything we do is a learning experience. I totally can only relate if, only someone, or if I... but you can't change the past. You can learn from it. It's amazing looking at everything you do as person and can be really hurtful but you don't have to live through it by yourself sweetie. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now if you need please don't hesitate to pm me. Take care of yourself sweetie.
Dont ever let yourself forget where the genesis of your problems began, and to make sure that people around you know and can support you. To begin to forget our problems is to slip back into the same patterns that create them, which is self neglect and ignorance. You need to continue to struggle to understand why you are suffering, and what is at the root of it, and if you deny yourself of these things then you are denying yourself the possibility of getting better.
Dont worry, it will all be better so long as you keep your head above water. And the best way to do that is to have people around you that can keep you afloat.
