It only gets worse.

[Wakeful Dreamer.]

I keep thinking I've hit rock bottom, and then something comes along to slam me even further into the ground. Since 2014, every year has been consistently worse than the last. I've had no choice but to endure, and yet I still keep falling behind and ending up worse off than before. I've lost everything, and there's not even a silver lining where I learned important life lessons or gained anything worth all of the heartache. All I've learned is that the world is harsh and unforgiving, and that people are as well. The people closest to me all left because things got hard, which obviously is my fault because how dare I not be a low-maintenance friend after suffering two major losses in a short space of time, and how selfish was it for me to ask for help from the people who supposedly cared about me. I don't know what else I can do from my end. I have no family left. My friends all gave up the second the opportunity arose. I can't make new friends because I'm still struggling so much that I'd be nothing but a burden to them and I can't inflict that on people. My therapist was a terrible fit because of the intensity and duration of my issues so I stopped seeing her, and I don't know where to find the courage to ask for help again. It's all just... too much, and too often, and too hard. There's barely enough time to catch my breath between tragedies, and now without a support system I honestly don't know how to continue, let alone why I even should. What's the point in fighting through years of grief and pain and loss when my potential's already been reduced to the point that any possible worthwhile future is off the table? Even if I had the inclination to work on healing, not to mention the energy for it, what am I fighting for? It's never going to be good enough to make up for how bad it's been, and it feels pointless to keep trying when things only ever get worse.

[one_step_closer]

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time and feel like things keep getting worse. I understand the feeling of just trying to endure one awful thing after another. I think there probably have been some positives in your journey but I know it's easier to focus on the negatives because there are so many and they are so powerful. Do you know what you would like from life? I know it's hard to reach out for help but it would be good if you could try and maybe speak to your GP to get the ball rolling. Just because your last therapist didn't help it doesn't mean that someone different or a different approach to therapy wouldn't help. While you're feeling stuck and hopeless I'd say it's worth trying to see what is available. I hope you can work towards a better future.

[Wakeful Dreamer.]

Thank you for the response, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately due to some circumstances I can't look for a new therapist at the moment, and I'm wary of doing so anyway because I've found it's hard to get across just how bad things are because I'm not currently engaging in any obviously self-destructive behaviours. My last therapist consistently underestimated how much I was struggling because I wasn't actively suicidal or self-harming, even though I did try to explain that I was still really hurting. Ideally I'd love to find a therapist or even a group that specialises in grief, but they seem to be few and far between where I am so I have to try my luck and hope I get someone who at least takes my word for it that things are hard even if I'm not physically hurting.

[one_step_closer]

I understand feeling like people don't see how much you are hurting emotionally if you're not doing anything physically harmful to yourself. Do you know if there are any peer support services in your area? That way you could talk to someone who has personal experience of mental illness so they might help you to feel more understood.