It's totally OK! I use a different name in real life, just to throw everyone off :P
Ooooh I was not expecting that! That's very clever and resourceful!
Hi Lindsay, did you manage to get to the meeting today? I hope that it went okay.
I think you're very brave as you deal with an awful lot on your own. And I know you don't see it as brave, but from an outside perspective, it seems that way. I wish there were more places where you felt safe and supported.
You wondered how people deal with so much. People have wider or narrower 'windows of tolerance' for the level of arousal they can manage. For people with mental health issues, that window is often quite narrow, partly because many of us become used to avoiding situations which make us distressed (I know I do). That's not because we've failed, it's just part of trying to manage and reduce overwhelming distress. Unfortunately, the more we avoid, the less we're able to cope with, quite often.
It's overcomeable (totally made that word up) but I suspect it takes time and a certain level of resilience/stability. If you don't have that because you're trying to manage so much distress already, it's a lot to ask to try and widen your window.
It seems to me like a good (but understandably very hard) place for you to perhaps explore challenging those fears is to find yourself able to call the crisis team. This might take a lot of practice to exercise that 'muscle' until it becomes generally less scary. I think we have a tendency to overthink, which further ramps up the anxiety. How about making yourself a bracelet with a reminder on that tells you to just 'call' (or whatever works for you).
I'm rambling so you don't need to listen to any of that! But maybe something will relate.
Supposedly in EUPD psychotic experiences are triggered by extreme stress/distress/anxiety/low mood/whatever and that's what my CPN keeps coming back to because we are certain that I do have EUPD. I'm sure I was reasonably well on one of the depots I was on before but I've always had to come off them because of either weight gain or high prolactin levels, or I've had a psych who doesn't believe in using medication for EUPD (plus I know the NICE guidelines say not to medicate too). I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety also but I don't know if anyone thinks they are still current diagnoses as everyone always focused on EUPD. I am on antidepressants though.
Thanks for your attempt at harsh and angry! What the psychiatrist said stuck with me because it was like he was saying that there was absolutely no way I could be having any kind of psychotic experience but I was trying to make him think I was, which wasn't true. That made me reject a lot of what other professionals said because I was scared to go with what they were saying because the previous psychiatrist would be angry and maybe think I was manipulating people into thinking I'm unwell.
I didn't make it to the meeting. :( I feel so unable to do a many things right now. I text someone who was going and she said it's really informal and you don't need to say anything but I just feel overwhelmed (that word again). I do feel like I battle so much inside myself and so much on the outside to appear normal and it's really hard to keep up with it so I avoid people when I can. I worry about what I might say or do if things get way too much. I also just feel like I can't handle the feelings inside myself when things get too much and I'm around people or worrying about pressure that might be put on me. I do hope that I will be able to do more in the future but that if I'm not able I won't be thrown into something. I don't trust people to understand when I'm not able to do things, although my CPN is very good with going at my pace. If I am thrown into something I can't cope with then I hope I will be able to kill myself.
I should try harder to phone the crisis team. If I use the plan that has been set up where I can end the call if it gets too much as long as I am safe then that should be more manageable but if I do talk to someone and I get to the point of wanting to end the call I never manage to let them know. I also feel exhausted and the thought of having to have a conversation with someone via any method that requires immediate back and forward communication puts me off. I will be having a visit from crisis for the next 4 weekends maybe, to try and help me with calling them since I'll get to know the new people and continue contact with the people I already know.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
If it helps, I think you should contact your CPN tomorrow. You're just as important as any of her other patients and I imagine contacting her is not something you do lightly. I wish I could 'prescribe' people contacting their CPNs but I totally understand the battle.
What's the worst that could happen if you contact her? What's the best?
Lots of her other patients might contact her because she's been off. I won't know what to say in the moment and if she asks what I need her to do I don't know.
Things are completely scary tonight and I don't want to have to deal with life any more. (See R/V if you want to know). I can't find it in me to try phoning crisis again or to use Breathing Space web chat. My CPN is the only person I'd feel comfortable talking to but I'll get to tomorrow and chicken out as usual. I need out of life. It is pointless me holding on.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know for me if I have to ring someone like my CPN and worry I'll not do it in the morning I either ask someone to remind me or write it down in a few places so I wake up and 'see it if that makes sense?
I'm sorry things are so difficult and horrible. I think it's positive that you've identified that you'd be able to share things with your CPN though. You do deserve to be heard.
I'm just so sick of myself. I'm not going to phone my CPN, there's nothing she can do and nothing that needs done. I really hate the evening. I again convinced myself today when I was out shopping that it's not a good plan to overdose but I know that this evening I will be getting onto myself and wondering why I didn't just buy something to overdose on. I suppose it's safer this way but why should I even be safe? I don't want another day to get through. I spent a lot of time this morning repeating 'not another f***ing day' in my head. Life is one huge fight so why live through it?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Totally agree with tamo. You're lovely and have such a compassionate approach to helping people. I just wish you could allow yourself some of the same compassion and kindness.
Is there anything that particularly helps from us at RYL? You might find some things more supportive than others and I don't want to nag you to contact your CPN (though I still think it's important that someone who understands you well can even take space to hear you, even if there is nothing no pie that you feel they can offer just now). So I just want to reiterate that you're worth her time, but I do understand if you decide not to.
Thank you. My CPN often says if I could show myself the same compassion I show to others my life would likely be very different. I feel like I'm too kind to myself though, with material things and not putting too much pressure on myself anyway. My self hate is so huge that I'm not sure if I can work around it and I'm also not sure if I even want to try, because it's so strong that I believe I don't deserve self compassion. Or compassion from others really but I don't want people to treat me negatively and I appreciate any kindness I receive.
I'm not sure what people could do here that would be useful. It's good enough to receive replies when people are able and to talk through things. If it was easier for me to pick up the phone then I would maybe contact my CPN. I wish I was allowed to text or email but that's a definite no. I need to sort out my issues with phoning people and answering the phone, it's such a silly reason for not being able to access support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It's alright that those things from us are helpful :) I'm glad to hear that they are. I just wanted to make sure there's nothing we're missing. Yeah, I can see how it's harder to phone than text and that texting would be a useful addition to their service as so many people struggle with reaching out for help over the phone.
Finding a solution to the phone call anxiety would be really useful for you. I hope that the crisis team can help you with that when they visit. You have probably mentioned this before, but do you know what it is about phone calls to crisis/your CPN that are very anxiety-provoking?
I get you on struggling with self-compassion. It's a strange old language if it's not something you're used to. Have you ever had a sense of good self-esteem?
Thanks. With phone calls I usually just panic and hang up before I even give them a chance, probably due to a combination of things and also due just to habit. Because I hang up when I phone I don't usually phone my CPN because I wouldn't hang up if I got through to the CMHT, I only do it with crisis because for some reason that doesn't seem like it would be as much of a problem. So I suppose if I forced myself to dial the number for the CMHT and let it ring then I'd have to talk to someone and ask to speak to my CPN or leave a message for her. I'm uncomfortable with my voice and feel like it is amplified on the phone plus because I'm anxious on the phone I sound even worse. I worry about not knowing what to say or talking over people or there being loads of silences. I feel trapped in a conversation too and don't feel able to end it until the other person decides to end it and that can be exhausting and further anxiety provoking.
During the day I feel like I shouldn't phone my CPN because I'm relatively safe and she will be busy. She does always say at the end of appointments that I can phone her and she lets me know when she's off work. At night I feel like I shouldn't phone crisis because I will probably get through ok and other people might really need them. I also don't know what to say a lot of the time because some of them don't know me and whether they know me or not they usually end up having a general chat which I don't need. I don't feel able to let them know that it's not helpful and I need to talk about how I'm feeling. Well, there is guidance in place for when I phone but people don't seem to be following it. I can feel very unreal when I'm on the phone so don't feel totally in control of what I'm saying and it doesn't help that I'm easily exhausted and just continue to let them talk for as long as they want. If I could let them know of my needs it would maybe be easier to phone, but I did do that and that's how the written guidance was put in my notes but as I said people aren't following it.
I prefer to talk to my CPN because she knows me and responds in ways that are usually helpful and she knows if I phone I'm really struggling. I'm getting by though so that puts me off phoning my CPN even though it would be useful to be heard and for her to know some of the things that are going on since it's a while until my next appointment and there will be loads to mention then if I don't contact her before.
I don't remember ever having good self esteem. I can't imagine what it's like to allow positive thoughts about myself without following them up with physical or verbal abuse from myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Is your CPN aware that one of the struggles about calling her is around being somewhat okay/coping in the day and then being unable to cope on an evening? I think that's a discussion worth having with her if not. She could offer some reassurance about calling her even though daytime you is coping. Things become genuinely more of a risk in the evening and very painful emotionally. You've outlined some great pros of being able to talk to her.
I wonder if it's possible to agree with crisis that the first thing you do after you call is to mention that you have a crisis plan. Do you think you would be able to do that and allow them a few minutes to find/read through it or do you think you'd panic and hang up? I know that's a lot of pressure on you where they should be resolving issues from their end but it might help you to feel more in control if there was some consistency and you knew what to expect.
There's nothing wrong with your voice. I know that without even hearing it, because it's your voice and an amazing tool however it sounds. I hear it doesn't feel like that. I often feel self-conscious about my clumsy, lollopy walk and often wondered if I should work to change it. But you know what? It's my walk and if people have a problem with it, fuck them! I guess I'm hoping one day you'll be able to own your amazing voice.
I don't think I've mentioned to my CPN that I feel like I shouldn't phone her during the day because it's a bit easier than the evening. I know she would say it's ok to phone anyway but because I struggle with phone calls I only really do them (sometimes) when I'm at a very bad crisis point. I should probably try and phone her today because I'm really suicidal or thinking I'll just overdose to see if that helps anything since I can never seem to get suicide right. I'm already thinking I won't phone her though. I am managing and it doesn't matter if I overdose or kill myself.
I could maybe try and prompt the crisis team to read my plan/guidelines but I probably wouldn't be brave enough to ask them to do that.
The gym group is starting back today and I don't feel up to going. I have decided not to go after fighting with myself all morning. I am such a failure. I can't do anything and I really want to kill myself. I need life to end. I hope I can at least overdose today, but I actually really don't want to. I just don't know what to do. I am in so much emotional agony.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Please don't hurt yourself. It's ok you decided not to go to the gym. If you could phone your CPN this afternoon, maybe they would have advice for when things are bad in the evening.
Things are bad enough now, I can't imagine what they're going to be like in the evening. I keep thinking things are getting worse and then they just get further worse. I've done some minor self harming, because I can't do anything major, but it hasn't helped. I'm listening to white noise. I have my glitter lamp on. I'm just eating snacks because the process of making lunch feels like too much. There is absolutely no solution other than death. I don't know if I can phone my CPN, I wish I could text her. I've had enough.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Could you reframe it so that you tell yourself that contacting your CPN for help before acting on these painful thoughts is a form of taking responsibility rather than berating yourself and telling yourself that you're managing?
What if you acknowledge that you need and deserve more help right now? If there's no solution other than death then you might as well call her...
