Suicidal

[chinahorse]

I feel suicidal. It's all too much. Tea pain the waiting for admission having to work. Etc. I want out. I am overwhelmed.

I want to burn. I want to overdose.

[Sketchy]

Is there someone you can phone or be around to keep you safe? I understand how hard it must be to wait for the admission, but it will eventually happen and you will get the help you need. Could you phone your mh team and tell them what you are feeling just now?
Keep fighting lovely. You can get through this.

[Elmer]

I'm so sorry Lillie. I wish I had anything useful to say but I don't. Keep taking things hour by hour or even minute by minute. Your admission is coming up soon right?
You can do this.

[chinahorse]

Cpn said it's normal to feel up and down. Last day at work is the 21st. Need to talk to boss about swapping some shifts.

I phoned my mum for chat. Tried making more hair bows. I'm in agone. Burning would help. Concentrate the pain.

[Sketchy]

Did talking to your mum help? What about spending some time with her to distract yourself.
Okay, I'm curious about these hair bows. Do you make hair accessories? I'm impressed. Keep doing things like that.

[chinahorse]

I live 3 hours away from my mum ufortu ately.

Yeah I just started today. Some are messy. Some are better than others.

[Sketchy]

Keep practising. I bet they look lovely. Maybe you could post a picture of them.

[chinahorse]

I will try put a pic up. I accidentally hurt myself making one and it's made me want to burn even more.

[chinahorse]

Can't do this anymore I'm a failure I'm bus less and stupid and in pain and poorly and I'm such a stupid fuck up

[chinahorse]

Please help I'm falling apart here

[Irisflower]

Sending love and care.

[Bellatrix]

you are none of those things. you a strong capable indiviual.

Just take it day by day/

Can you get signed off sick?

I'm with you darling <3<3<3

[chinahorse]

Thanks lovely people.

I had a nap and calmed down.

Going to ask if one of my housemates can cover my shifts next week. I'll kept some. I'll put it to my boss tgat it's better than being signed off. I wish I could be. My brains so scatty I'm not really capable of work. But money. And I cant let my boss down.

I feel so overwhelmed and fragile.

[chinahorse]

Everything hurts. I don't know what to say to my boss. It seems bleak. It is overwhelming. I have so many worries about admission.

I can't do this. I need to burn. I need to.

[Wonderland.]

What are your worries about the admission? Maybe if you list them we can help to reassure you.

I was terribly scared about going to rehab, but there wasn't a lot lower I could get. And whilst it was really difficult and I hated it at first it, it did help me a lot!

[Uglyducklin]

Leaving you a hug I agree with wonderland xx

[Bellatrix]

I know it's scary - it's a long admission and it's new and frightening.

But think of it like your boarding school. It was scary at first, then you make friends and settle in quickly. You'll get used to the routine and food and groups and free time. You can take bows to make and craft and colouring stuff.

You can do this. And remember any (and I mean ANY) time you are struggling text me and I'll come to Richmond and meet you ASAP. You can come to mine some weekends and we can regroup and get you through this.

This is your chance to turn your life around. To stop self harming and burning and overdosing and to help control the choices and hallucinations. They may even be able to help you manage the pain better.

You can do this.

[chinahorse]

Thank you everyone.

I keep being very up and down about it. Today I'm so scared.

Jodie you are right that hopefully I'll settle in quickly.

I have a long list of questions to ask on the visit I initially said no to. The guy is ringing back in a few days sk I will tell him then. I don't want them in my house but a brief visit then to a cofree shoo is acceptable.

I'm just mostly terrified it won't work because what do I do then? This is a last resort. I'm also really worried about money. And that I won't be able to do the therapy. I really don't have a good track record when it comes to that.

Thank you so much jodie love.

I think I'm mostly trying to sabotage it by self harm which is how I've talked myself out of it so far.

I'm struggling with impulsive stuff though. And money control.

[chinahorse]

How do I wait until admission? I can't. I can't do this. I want it to end. I need it to end. I want to hurt myself badly enough for hospital. The last time without consequence.

[Uglyducklin]

How are you now Lillie? X