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Old 11-12-2013, 10:38 PM   #1
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I...I'm just...sorry

I'm sorry to make a thread...I don't deserve one and I've been useless...but I need to know someone cares...even a stranger on the internet...because no one in my life does and I'm broken.

I'm on the verge of...I don't even know what...cutting? ODing? Ripping my hair out? Pulling my skin apart? I'm making no sense...sorry.

Yesterday I was fine...kind of. Anxious about first day at new job but bareable.

I did mg twelve hour shift at work and I'm having a fucking breakdown again. I have two more twelve hour shifts tomorrow and Friday.

I need to do them because if I don't work this week and next I won't make rent. I can't ask anyone to bail me out...I've bled them all dry.

I have been laid here for over two hours crying non stop and going between panic attacks. I've taken my anxiety med and it's not really helped.

I just...I have no MH input. No support system. Nothing.

I have enough meds to OD on...I know that much and at the very least do some serious damage. I can't go down this path again. I can't be off work because I don't get enough to live on. But after one day I'm like this -_-

I just need some contact...with someone.

I am epically pathetic for this and I'm sorry...



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 11-12-2013, 10:51 PM   #2
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I care! It sounds like starting your new job has been really stressful, and you're not pathetic for that. Twelve hour shifts would wipe anyone out! Knowing that you need the money for rent is an added stress, particularly if you're feeling isolated from any support system.

I think you know that it would be unhelpful to harm yourself, though I can understand the temptation. Do you think now might be the time to ask for some additional support? Although I think you will adapt to your new routine, you are in a vulnerable position and it's better to act sooner rather than later.

Would you like to talk about anything else that is contributing to you feeling so awful?

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Old 11-12-2013, 11:01 PM   #3
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Thank you fof replying. I find it really hard to ask for support.

I don't have a MH team really. I saw my psych last month about meds and he made another appointment on NY eve. I saw my GP about meds again a week or so ago...he wants to refer me to a psychologist about my anxiety but said it could be months.

I've been out of full time work for over 2 years because of my MH. I tried going back to customer service but couldn't handle it...even an hour a day. So I figured a factory/warehouse would be best. Did my FLT license and got this job with an agency...but I can't even handle a day.

I hate this time of year...ever since my still birth I can't stomach seeing pregnant women or babies. It remind me it'd be his second christmas...one he'd kind of notice. I live hours away from my family but they just don't really care. I have no real friends...one I thought was wasn't so I have to keep it together in front of everyone.

I just...I have nothing and no one. I just wanna lock myself in my flat in the dark and just...fade.

I haven't had these strong OD urges for about a year where I was almost sectioned.

I just can't handle life and want it to stop. I can't be a legit human let alone an adult.



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 11-12-2013, 11:50 PM   #4
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I'm trying to be glad to havr some routine but I didn't sleep last night, started work at 6am til 6pm, and now all this is happening I can't focus my mind enough to sleep. I've taken my insomnia meds but they've done nothing...I took them about half seven when I got home.

I've been to CAB and I was told I wasn't consedered ill enough to be on anything other than Job Seekers which adds more pressure of applying and going on interviews =/

I could try speakinv to my GP I guess...but the receptionists always say his appointme are like gold dust because you can NEVER get one....and he's the only one I trust. He's one who's seen me through all of the MH stuff. I can try ringing...if I can stop my panic long enough at some point - I have a massi e phobia of talking on the phone.

I tried going for counselling earlier in the year for it buf I couldn't handle it. It's still too raw.

It just feels like it's my MH or a job but money means the job wins. I can't get a medium ground.

I've bled my parents dry of money, who are both retired, and borrowed from friends. It really stresses me out because I-m 24 I should be able to support myself.

This job today has made my OCD compusions hard to hand...cleaning and packing in the job has sent my head haywire.

I have to start getting ready for work at 2.30am...it's nearly 11pm. Just thinkjng of going in is making my chest tight again.

They're nice people. It's an easy job. I just can't function.

All I wanna do now is OD and remove myself from every situation.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 12-12-2013, 12:02 AM   #5
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It sounds like you are under a lot of stress with your new job. I hope you can get some decent rest tonight so you are able to go in tomorrow. And that you don't OD.
How about a relaxing bath or a hot shower to distract you and get you in wind down mode ready for sleep?

I really admire you for going back to work. I know it's really tough after not having worked for so long, but give yourself some time and hopefully you will get used to the job/hours.

Sending you hugs,

Charl
xxx

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Old 12-12-2013, 12:11 AM   #6
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Sorry I don't have anything useful to say Katie, I just wanted to point out that you aren't useless in the slightest! You are so supportive and lovely!

*many hugs*
I really hope things get better for you soon x



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 12-12-2013, 12:48 AM   #7
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Thank you Charl and Beckie.

I've tried a warm shower but it's not helped. I'm still wide awake.

Just thinking about going in tomorrow makes me start shaking. It's not even just the 12 hours there...it takes an hour and a quarter to get there...then the same back.

I just wish I had someone in my life who could just hold me and make it seem okay...even just for a few minutes.

I've managed to hurt/insult anyone I did have to the point they don't care because I'm such an incredible bitch. Even when people try to apologise I can't stop myself making on last comment.

I'm still crying my eyes out and nothing seems to be stemming them. I just want holding and telling things will be okay. Just one person to be there for me like I am for them. But I'm the supporter...so they're all needing support.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 12-12-2013, 01:34 AM   #8
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Ah honey, I wish I could just give you a big hug.
I understand some of what you're feeling - the kind of lost and thinking you're useless thing.

I'm a bit rubbish with words but I wanted to let you know that I care and if you ever want to talk I'm here for you.


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Old 12-12-2013, 01:49 AM   #9
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Thank you Jinxie. It means a lot.

I'm still awake crying my eyes out. My boyfriend is coming round...I've been such a bitch to him so I can't understand why.

I should be getting ready for work in a little over an hour.

Even if I decided I couldn't go I can't manage to call them because I'm in such a state.

ODing just seems the easiest way at the moment.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 12-12-2013, 02:00 AM   #10
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I know that OD'ing seems like the only way out right now, but please please try to stay safe.
The thing is (and this is going to sound so trite and cliche, sorry) is that as completely crap as you feel at the moment things will get better.
It might not be right away but it will get better - you have lots of people that care about you here and your boyfriend too; lean on all of us and we'll help you as much as we can.

Is there anything that usually helps lift you up a little bit? xx

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Old 12-12-2013, 03:12 AM   #11
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I can't do it...work I mean. I've text my agency explaining I'll have to leave them until my MH has improved...that I can't put a job ahead of my well being. I hope he understands.

I still can't sleep...head is loud and guilt is settling in (about letting work/agency down).

I've spoken to my boyfriend and explained how bad things got tonight. The urge to Od remains but I safe because he is here.

Everytime I think of who I'm letting down at work the panic attacks start again. I'm being selfish.

I think I do need to see my GP or at least try to have a phone consultation if I can manage it. Things have gotten very dark, very fast. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was strong.

I may not have cut for over nine monthsish but recently I've been digging my nails into my scalp to the point it's now got loads of sores/scabs (gross I know)...should I be viewing this as SH? I do it when I'm stressed or anxious...it is killing me tonight.

I'm rambling and I don't even know why. I don't deserve help. I am pathetic. Sorry. Am just wasting space...here feels safe to talk though...

Yeah, sorry.



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 12-12-2013, 08:24 AM   #12
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please don't feel guilty about having called in sick for work.
For what it's worth I think you've done the right thing... you're health comes first and it's time for you to nurture yourself and be kind to you, so please try not to think you're letting anyone down.

Definitely try and talk to your GP. Do you think you might explain to him that you're just not well enough to work at the moment.. and therefore go onto ESA?

If you don't feel like you can ask about going on to ESA do you think you could find a job which is less demanding and nearer to home?

It's a lot to go to 12 hour shifts after not having worked for two years?

Please don't OD. It's not worth the risk. It'll only have an effect in the short term. And as I say it is very risky.

Please try and reach out for help. I know it's hard but you really have to look after you.

Sending you love.

Charl
xxxx

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Old 12-12-2013, 10:01 AM   #13
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You are absolutely doing the right thing to put your health ahead of work. *hugs*

I think trying to see your gp would be the right thing to do. Try saying it's an emergency, and maybe they will find an opening with him. If you get one, could your boyfriend support you through it? Or through the phone call?

You are NOT pathetic, and you DO deserve help. You should be so proud of yourself for asking for support here, it was very brave and strong of you. I just hope you can start to feel some relief and improvement soon *hugs*

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Old 12-12-2013, 01:45 PM   #14
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I'm sorry I don't have any advice just wanted to say, I've read and I care, please be gentle with yourself, I think you've done the right thing saying you couldn't go in for the meantime you need to put yourself first and second asking for an emergency appointment with your GP hopefully that will get you an appointment. Just one step in front of the other it's painful and you can go as slow as you want but eventually it will get where you need to be. Sorry if this is a useless post, thought I'd leave some *gentle safe hugs* too. Take care of yourself as much as you can, Meg x




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Old 12-12-2013, 01:50 PM   #15
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You did the right thing Katie, your health is the most important thing right now.

Is there any way that you could call your GP surgery and ask them to call you as soon as your doctor has an appointment free?

You can talk here all you want Katie, we want to help and you do deserve help!

thinking of you x



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 12-12-2013, 03:31 PM   #16
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I can only echo what others have said - your health has to come first.
I know you're feeling like you've let people down, but right now you and your health are what's important.

You're not wasting space and you're not pathetic - you're going through a horrible time and you need support. That doesn't make you less strong, in fact it actually makes you strong because you've reached out here and asked for support and comfort.

You do deserve help and kindness. Please believe that, hon.
Thinking of you <3 x

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Old 12-12-2013, 05:35 PM   #17
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Thank you Charl, Susie, Meg, Beckie and Jinxie. Your support really means a lot to me. I still feel painfully alone.

Charl; I am going to ask about ESA. At the moment the idea of any job sets my anxiety off. I think I need to work on that before starting to work again. From what my GP said last time I saw him I think he'll agree. I'm still fighting the OD urges...I know I should really take all my excess medication to the pharmacy to destroy but in a way I feel safe having a way out...but I think perhaps keeping them will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Susie; I might ask my boyfriend to be there when I speak to my Gp. Thanks for the suggestion. I guess I'm just scared of being bluntly honest in front of him because I know the thought of losing me upsets him.

Meg; thank you for the support.

Beckie; I'm trying to build myself up to calling the surgery first thing. I might ask them to call me with an appointment...or perhaps pass on a message about how bad things are to him and hopefully he might arrange an appointment. It just takes a lot for me to call anyone.

Jinxie; Thank you. I'm trying to believe it. I have always found asking for support hard which has led me into trouble in the past.

It feels good to talk here...to feel connected to some people in some way. It's easy to become isolated at the moment.

I have a massive lump and scab across my scalp from digging my nails in last night which has annoyed me.

I am shattered. I managed to sleep around 4ish. Last nights panic has taken it's toll on me. I have to go out at half seven so might try to nap. If I can.

I spoke to my mum. Told her about the job. She was supportive. I don't usually let my mum in about my MH stuff...it reminds her too much about my brother his suicide. It helled to talk things through a bit though...not all of it; no where near.

I have too much stuff in my head but I dunno if I can talk here because undoubtely I'm pissing people off with my complaining already.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 12-12-2013, 05:50 PM   #18
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Im sorry Katie.
I really wish I could make you feel better.
I dont know what to say :( But I wanted you to know that Im here and my PM box is always open!
Please keep strong!!

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Old 12-12-2013, 06:29 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mix Tape View Post
I have too much stuff in my head but I dunno if I can talk here because undoubtely I'm pissing people off with my complaining already.

x x x
I can wholeheartedly tell you that you're not pissing me off at all.
This is a safe place where you can talk/rant/vent/whatever you need to.

I can identify with having too much stuff in your head.
For me it always feels like I have a wasps nest in there and someone poked the nest, pissed off all the wasps and then ran away, leaving me to deal with it.
It's usually worse at night or if I'm feeling low and/or run down and I don't have the energy to fight it off.
Usually reading helps, or playing a video game because I can just get totally lost and immersed in either one.

*sends huge hugs*
xx

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Old 12-12-2013, 06:44 PM   #20
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Of course you can talk here Katie, this is a support forum and you are every bit as deserving of support as anyone else here.
Keep talking to us lovely xx



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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