Support Thread for Katie- Heaven Knows- Please show your support for a wonderful person - Page 36

HildaOgden · 16-07-2012, 03:57 AM

sending love and hugs.
it takes a lot of courage to admit to things we do that are a secret coping mechanism. i really hope you are able to open up about them.
thinking of you and sneding you love and strength,
love
Charl
xxxx

Heaven Knows · 16-07-2012, 03:51 PM

Told him. Not fully but generally. Also told him ex is still in contact. Told him about Lucy and family. Told him about cutting myself off from everyone. Couldn't tell him about not knowing if it is reality or not. Might try tell DBT therapist tomorrow...haven't decided. He said he's gonna call me in a couple of days and possibly make another appointment for the end of the week. Spose he actually seems to realise how bad things are this time. My head is completely disconnwcted right now.

HildaOgden · 16-07-2012, 04:09 PM

so proud of you for telling him what you did. even if it is just generally is a big step so you should give yourself a big pat on the back.
i really hope he calls you with another appointment for the end of the week.
Hang in there Katie.
Big hugs,
Charl
xxx

Heaven Knows · 16-07-2012, 10:52 PM

I know I need to tell her tomorrow...I've already filled in the cards so there's not much I can do about it. I can't stop shaking and I'm afraid what she's gonna say or do.

I think I'm just afraid of myself. None of this makes sense.

HildaOgden · 16-07-2012, 11:09 PM

Oh Katie honey, I think I know how you feel to a certain extent.
It's so scary, but in the long run it will be so much better that you told her what's going on. I promise.

It may not make sense now, but things will hopefully become clearer in time.

In the meantime hang on in there and keep posting.

Love you.
Charl
xxxx

Heaven Knows · 16-07-2012, 11:41 PM

I'm drifting...away from my friends/family...I'm even drifting from this site. I feel like my connection to life is weakening. I'm not getting better; I'm getting worse. I'm collecting self-harm methods like they're fucking baseball cards...I'm making a concrete plan to kill myself...one that WON'T fail...I can't even tell you what's reality and what's not right now. I read a post on here from my ex...I replied and guess what? It wasn't really there. Fuck.
I am dying whether I want to or not...but I want to so who gives a fuck?

on edge · 17-07-2012, 09:09 AM

*huge hugs*

awww Katie im so sorry you are struggling so much at the moment, i wish i could help you more but i just want you to know im here for you always and thinking of, can pm or email me if want/need too i'll always reply hunni. bit low on words just now but sending you love and hugs

jo xx

Heaven Knows · 17-07-2012, 01:46 PM

*hugs Jo*
Thank you darling. As always I'm hear for you too.

I told her. Admitted to the burning and to the chemicals. I ended up drinking some this morning and I stupidly admitted it...she wanted to take me straight to A&E but I managed to convince her she didn't need to. Surprised she bought it to be honest. Oh well. Did a chain analysis form for it and she didn't really know what to say I don't think. My brain doesn't make any sense and I'm aware of this. I can't even explain it properly anymore.

Blah. Sorry.

Heaven Knows · 17-07-2012, 10:29 PM

I feel like I can't function anymore...fully admitting things today has completely broken me. I can't understand what people are saying...they have to say it more than once or I just laugh and pretend I understood. I can't read posts on here anymore...I know the words but sentances don't make sense. I can't even talk to Adam or my best friend. I've been in bed since I got home and I don't plan on getting up tomorrow. I can't face it. The only thing that makes sense to me is to keep drinking the chemicals and cutting deeper. I can't even calculate how long it's taken me to type this. Things aren't real and I don't know what to do...I was thinking of calling my social worker tomorrow but I can't get my brain to connect enough to...I don't know how I'd explain it. I don't know what to do.I just want to hurt myself enough to feel something...anything.

talaiporia · 17-07-2012, 10:42 PM

Hey Katie.
What do you think would make you safer right now?
Is going to A&E an option?

If not, perhaps it would be a good idea to get some sleep, and hope you're feeling safer tomorrow.

Please try not to take any more chemicals. They're very dangerous, and can have incredibly horrendous effects on your insides.

Could Adam call SW for you?

Heaven Knows · 17-07-2012, 10:49 PM

Has taken meds so trying to sleep. Can't even describe how bad things are to Adam. He asleep now anyway now. He working 7 til 7 tomorrow. Made alarm to call SW at 9 - more likely to do if remembered early. Also emailed GP and asked to call tomorrow so if he does and can't call SW can ask him to. Trying to stay safe...making effort. Know chemicals are bad but ex used to make me drink them to clean inside...still feel dirty.

talaiporia · 18-07-2012, 11:56 AM

How are you today Katie?
Did you manage to call your SW?

Chemicals are bad honey. They won't make you clean, they just hurt you.
Is there anything else that helps you feel clean, like having a bath?

Heaven Knows · 18-07-2012, 01:08 PM

I'm alive. I haven't managed to force myself into calling him. I know I should but I just don't know what to say or how to say it. I have DBT tomorrow anyway so I might just speak to my DBT therapist then. Or ask to see my social worker in the break of DBT. Today I just want to stay here lying on my sofa and hiding from everyone.
He always said they made me clean and took all the bad parts away from me. The parts that hurt and kill other people...he said they'd all go. Take the nightmares away from me. Stop me remembering. Cutting doesn't calm me anymore...I needed something more. Normally I can rationalise or look at things logically; if I don't believe something is real I can disconnect from it enough to think rationally and know it's just my brain playing tricks on me and that I'm going crazy. Now though...I can't trust my brain enough to tell me what's real and what's not. I'd normally keep the logic in my head and wait for my brain to catch up...only my brain is going too slow to catch up with the logic this time. If you touch something...it's real right? Well, what if you cut yourself...you're bleeding; a lot, and you grab a towel? You can feel the blood pouring over your arm...but when you press the towel against your arm it doesn't soak it up...the towel is completely clean. The blood keeps bleeding but the towel stays dry. What about if you try to make yourself throw up because you've binged on an entire packet of biscuits...you felt them on your tongue...you feel full from eating so much...but then your boyfriend points out that the entire packet of sealed biscuits are still in the cupboard...that in actual fact I haven't eaten anything all day? What do you do then? What happens when you can't even believe what you are holding in your hands?

I'm fucked up. I should be dead.

Porcelain Child · 18-07-2012, 03:05 PM

I am sorry you are struggling hun.. I hope DBT goes ok tomorrow and that you get to talk to someone..

I am here if you wanna chat..

on edge · 21-07-2012, 09:11 AM

hi Katie,

just wanted to check in and see how your doing hunni? and to let you know im thinking of you always and that im only an email away if you need me

*leaves hugs*

jo xx

Heaven Knows · 21-07-2012, 06:15 PM

Bad. Doing really really fucking bad.
Nothing to say. Nothing helps.
Withdrawing and I don't even care anymore.
I'm fading and I want everything to be over no.
Broken.

talaiporia · 22-07-2012, 10:08 AM

Hey Katie. How are you doing?
It sounds like things are very bad right now. Are you safe?
Please try to talk to Adam and call your SW.
Take care.