I just sent this to my therapist and now I’m terrified I’ve made the wrong decision
I have been thinking very carefully about our conversation yesterday and a talk I had with J. I have decided that I want to work hard to stay here.
My thoughts on this are very torn. I feel extremely guilty and selfish going down this route because I feel I am putting people I care about, including you, at risk of horrific things. I guess my plan is to see what happens and if I feel that anyone is at imminent risk then I will carry out what the demons want me to do. It seems like now is the time to really try and bear the torment long enough so the demons and voices are either forced to show themselves to others or are shown to be liars like you say.
I feel utterly terrified about this, it feels like a massive risk and I know that because I’m saying this, they will probably up the ante and that scares me too. I can’t even promise I will keep up this resolve but I want to let you know I am willing to try.
I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm struggling with personal hygiene, wearing clean clothes, taking meds, eating properly, keeping up with work and relationships. It all feels so much. I can't think straight, I feel so panicky and overwhelmed all the time.
I know this is likely not useful but when things are like that for me, sometimes all I can do is just keep trying to take care of myself and follow routines as best I can and wait for it to pass. Eventually it always does. Thinking of you. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I thought I was doing a bit better this morning but then the voices got really intense, I was hearing a lot screaming and was dissociating. I ended self harming in a way thta I wouldn't usually. I'm such an idiot.
I had a creative writing class online but I couldn't focus so ended up giving up and left.
I tried to listen to music, play Sims 4, watch a film (which I struggled through) and then went for a walk. I felt really spaced out when I was out, I was seeing horrible things but no one was reacting to it so I guess it was a trick.
Finding things hard.
Me and the family are all ill and having to isolate. It’s my dads birthday today and I have a trauma anniversary on Thursday. I won’t have therapy because of being ill so I feel a bit lost and low.