Triggering (ED) - trying hard

[Gauloises]

I'm 24, and I'm obese. I eat and eat and eat. I do it in secret and I hate myself for it. I don't know if that's an eating "disorder", but it's not right, I know that.

I'm just emerging from a period of intense depression during which my eating and obesity has become the worst it has ever been in my life. My periods have stopped. My clothes don't fit any more, and I can't afford to buy new ones. I've thrown my hormones out of balance, and I'm growing hair in wrong places, like on my chin and on my stomach and around my nipples. God, I'm so ashamed to admit that. I don't want anybody to touch me, and I haven't had sex in over a year. I barely even feel female any more.

I'm trying hard this time, in a way I haven't ever really tried before. I'm on Prozac to help my clinical depression, I'm trying not to drink too much or cut, and I'm working on eating healthy foods and exercising (well, swimming.) Whenever I've managed to lose weight before, I've done it through starving myself, and I can keep it going for a couple of months, but no longer. I'm trying to manage something more sustainable this time. Trying to be healthy, not thin.

But I think about food all the time. I'm starving hungry now, even though I ate my lunch not long ago (brown rice, chicken, peas and tomatoes). All I want to do is stuff myself until I feel full, sick even. I need that feeling.

And I'm terrified because I've put myself out there this time. I've been open with friends and housemates and family about how I'm really trying, and they've all been incredibly supportive. I've started speaking openly with someone (a good friend) about my overeating for the first time, and her reaction has been astonishingly loving and warm. I'm so scared to fail and disappoint them all, but the drive to eat is so strong.

My relationship with food and the consequent obesity dominates my life, so much so that I'm ashamed to be so obsessed with this one issue. I just want to be free of this so I can live my life. I don't want people shouting at me on the street and I don't want to feel ashamed to leave my bedroom. I don't want to look or feel like this any more.

But it's so hard. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can do it.

[surprising mystery]

Hey darling, Im going to try to reply, but in all honesty I might be talking a load of bollocks.. here goes..

Firstly *cuddles* there is an ED thats called compulsive overeating disorder (COE), however nobody here can diagnose you. As your periods have stopped, and I honestly dont think being obese should be a direct cause, I think you should go to your gp, you may be anemic or something, which can also cause lathargy etc. Also they can arrange tests to see why your hormones are going haywire, it can be a problem with the pituitory gland or adrenal glands that certain hormone tablets can sort out for you. But they are the people to find that out.

I know you have low self esteem at the moment, but being a loveable sexy person doesnt have all that much to do with looks, your still really young and the right person usually comes when you least expect it. Could you try to pamper yourself, have your nails done or your hair, put on a smile, make it your aim to laugh as much as possible. Its proven laughter makes you feel better and that whilst children laugh on average 20 times a day, adults only laugh 4 times on average.

Im on prozac as well, not that that makes any difference lol, but you really should try to limit your alcohol consumption with this drug as it has the opersite effect of the medication and is a depressant itself as Im sure you know. Well done for cutting down and fighting the urges to SI, your doing really really well there, please take note and be proud of that, it shows you can beat your problems.

Swimming is excellent exercise if your overweight as it doesnt put strain on the joints, I know loosing weight for you IS a good idea, but please dont make it your sole reason for these changes in lifestyle. Keep in mind you want to be healthy and happy and exercise is a way to that as well.

Have you ever joined a slimming group, I know that slimming world is good, my sister goes, it doesnt stop you eating anything, just makes you get your portion sizes right. Also if your hungry you never have to be because there are foods you can eat limitless amounts of such as pasta on a 'green day'. Being in a group might help give you the extra support to change your lifestyle, for some this helps.

Do you think when you feel you need to stuff yourself you could try some distractions? drink some water then see how you feel in 20 minutes, snacking on fruit as much as you like is a good idea too. There is a high proportion of water in it to fill you up.

I cant say well done enough for talking and opening up to your family and friends, thats a massive achievement, they obviously want to help and care a lot, so use them and their support to pull yourself forward.

There is no such thing as failing, you are starting on a base line, failure isnt really comming into this, please try not to look at it in that way. This is just changing your life bit by bit to make yourself feel better inside. I dont think they sound like the type to criticise anything.

People should never shout at you in the street, that is their problem not yours, and I bet that anyone who hears them thinks 'heck they are rude nasty people' as they bring more attention to themselves than you. Stand tall, they are the ones who should be deeply ashamed by their dreadful behaviour.

Nobody can predict the future and tell you whats going to happen, but I can tell you this, all you have to do is try your best, some days go wrong, it happens to the best of us, for now just take things easy, one step at a time. Grab all the help you need and want and you will get there, at 24 you have plenty of time. I feel scaired to leave my room somedays, I know how it feels, but remember, there are so many people the same, please dont ever feel alone. The saying 'smile and the world smiles back at you' is true. So grin for all its worth sweetie xxxx *lots of love and huggles* x Marie x

[surprising mystery]

I think I may have writtain a little too much.. sorry *hides*

[Gauloises]

Thank you so much for your response Marie, it means a lot that you took the time to reply to me - and in so much detail too *grins*

I think I probably have COE. I know I certainly have a problem and it's bigger than laziness or a lack of willpower. A few years ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS) which can cause the hormonal problems, lack of periods etc. It is something that's directly tied to my obesity, as whenever I lose some weight my body seems to regulate itself and my periods start again. (Sorry, this is way overshare - but I am in fact feeling pretty encouraged right now as due to the last six weeks or so of trying to eat healthy and exercise, I got my period today for the first time in about a year, which makes me feel like a person again.)

I might consider joining a slimming group like Weight Watchers or something - I looked into it a couple of months ago, but couldn't find one which met in the evenings (so I could get there after work). At the moment I am focusing on changing my lifestyle rather than trying to go on a diet - still eating when I'm hungry, but eating good food, fruit, vegetables, chicken, brown rice etc. instead of living off cheap frozen pizza from Lidl. I'm also trying to take better care of my appearance in terms of skincare, doing my hair, making an effort to wear makeup, because all of that stuff makes me feel better. Exercising, and hanging out with my friends and family instead of locking myself away in my room.

It's just hard and .. I just saw the photos from my dad's wedding, which was a couple of months ago, and I look so terrible, so incredibly fat, and that's what I see every time I look in the mirror ... hideousness.

But I'm trying.

[surprising mystery]

Your doing all the right things :) well done. Im so pleased you got a period, that must mean so much to you *cuddles* I dont know a lot about PCOS but are their any treatments that could help regulate your hormones? It seems like your starting to not need that right now, but it may be a good idea to look into whats possible for future reference.

I know it doesnt make things any better, but what your going though is hardly your fault, I know PCOS can cause obesity and hormonal changes that probably resulted in you growing excess body hair. But thats none of your fault at all, your not ugly at all, you just have a condition that many other people has that causes you to be a tiny bit different, your still you. You still the same beautiful person, everyone is different, and all blokes like different things, you are still 100% sexy to the right man!

I know where you are will be different, but, I seem to have noticed a lot of slimming groups that meet in the evenings, maybe check out the papers and noticeboards outside village halls and community centres? A lot of groups do have a variety of meeting times. I really would suggest slimming world soon as you dont have to buy any branded foods at all, you just buy regular stuff and I think that is cheaper and more nutritional that those damn 'ready meals' or weightwatchers yoghurts... just get some low fat yoghurt and mix some fruit chunks into it :D

Getting out more is definatly the way to build your confidence, keep it up :) As for the wedding photos, Im sure you look gorgeous, and I doubt people will be looking at you, so much as looking at the bride and groom (sp*) What matters is that it was a nice day of celebration. Ps I dont know anybody that honestly looks at themselves in the mirror and smiles at their reflection all the time, or even some of the time. You are not alone, but smiling, making the effort and eccentuating the parts of you you do like more is what you have to do. Confidence can be seen as an illusion, what people dont know you can make up if you want to. xxxxx

[If_Only]

Ahh, what you are suffering from IS an eating disorder, like Marie said. It's great that you want to make a difference, and change things - sometimes that's the hardest step to take. I can only imagine that for you, feeling overly full is a comfort in the way that feeling empty is to me, and I'm sorry to hear that, it's not a nice feeling at all.

I think that joining a slimming group is a good idea (athough I too would suggest Slimming World over Weight Watchers). In an environment like that, you're all in the same boat, so you can support one another.

I'm afraid I know nothing about PCOS, but you could ask your doctor? Also, I don't know what dosage of prozac you are on, but it works as an appetite supressant, and is sometimes used to treat bullemia (to stop binges), so maybe your GP could increase your dose?

I'm really glad that you seem to be feeling so positive, keep it up!
Take care, Katie xx

[Psiren]

*cuddles*
I'm afraid I don't have much advice right now - I'm a little frazzled. But it seems Marie gave loads. =]
I just wanted to let you know that I know the feeling - eating and eating and unable to stop. I used to do that all the time, still do from time to time. And I know it feels really horrible and out of control. So you're not alone.
If you do loose weight just make sure you do it healthily.
Take care <3

[surprising mystery]

Quote:

Originally Posted by If_Only

I'm afraid I know nothing about PCOS, but you could ask your doctor? Also, I don't know what dosage of prozac you are on, but it works as an appetite supressant, and is sometimes used to treat bullemia (to stop binges), so maybe your GP could increase your dose?

I know this is Gauloises' thead,, but, I am on Prozac and tomorrow I am going to the gp, I am on the highest dose to treat OCD but I am also aware that this dosage is used to treat bulimia.. will they take me off it? *so damn scaired* if its an appitite suppressant, they might stop me taking it, and I am scaired of that :'(

[Disarm]

Reading this thread has been like reading about myself. You're doing all the right things, Gauloises, well done. I haven't got much advice to add, but you're not alone, and you're doing so well. You ought to be proud of yourself. Take care xx