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Old 04-12-2019, 02:50 PM   #1901
one_step_closer
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I'm doing things/not doing things that usually mean I'm getting more unwell but I still don't feel able to phone anyone. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll be ok anyway, there's nothing people would need to do for me probably.

???





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-12-2019, 06:03 PM   #1902
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I think your CPN needs to know all this. If you can't talk about it over the phone, ask for an appointment.



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Old 04-12-2019, 07:00 PM   #1903
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I don't think she'll be able to give me an appointment but I need to try hard to phone her.

I'm really struggling. I need some communication with someone kind and understanding. I don't think I can use Breathing Space web chat again because that was a complete failure the last time. The best thing to do would be to talk to someone on the phone. I am allowed to phone crisis and if I can't talk on the phone they will consider visiting me since I live close to their office but I don't know if I can do the initial phone call and if they came I'd end up still not being able to say anything and would just waste their time. I feel so alone even though there are services around, it's hard for me to access them.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-12-2019, 06:21 PM   #1904
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I managed to phone my CPN yesterday but she was out and she didn't manage to phone back yesterday or today. Now she's off for a week. I bumped into someone from crisis when I was in the health centre and she asked me to phone because she's on tonight and tomorrow but I don't know if I can. I was hoping to speak to my CPN and get some support arranged that didn't involve further phone calls, like me going to see the duty CPNs on Saturday like has been arranged before. I don't feel able to call them and ask to come and see them, either Duty or the crisis team. It feels like this weekend is going to be really tough.

I'm seeing my support worker on Monday but I don't get to tell her a lot about how I'm really feeling because she wants to talk about positive stuff. I'm allowed to speak to other CPNs when my CPN is off but again that would involve a phone call. My phone anxiety is really annoying me and preventing me from getting support. Why am I such an idiot?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-12-2019, 06:42 PM   #1905
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You're really not an idiot and I think you're doing really well in making the phone calls that you have managed to make. I'm sorry she didn't ring back though, that must be really frustrating after going through the effort of calling her and leaving a message.

I really hope you can ring crisis tonight or tomorrow. Does it help to remind yourself that you know who will answer and also that she asked you to call?

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Old 06-12-2019, 07:43 PM   #1906
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Thanks NP. It's been difficult waiting for the phone to ring so I could have done without that stress. If my CPN got the message she would know that things aren't good for me and I'm sure she would have made time to phone back because she knows how anxious I am about phone calls so I'm a bit worried about what might have happened.

It helps a bit to know who is on crisis but I have phoned before and she has answered and I've still hung up despite knowing I can talk to her. I know I need to not put my finger on the hang up button and just force myself to say hi but it's so difficult when I panic. I will hopefully try and phone tomorrow, they're usually not too busy in the afternoon so will aim for then although if I manage the call it will be the only call I can make so if I'm struggling in the evening then I'll be on my own with things. I'm not sure if I should just wait and see if I struggle or what. Maybe if I can phone I can arrange a plan with them to visit me a couple of times or something while my CPN is off if they have time, I'm not so good at asking for things though.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-12-2019, 07:57 PM   #1907
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There's always a chance she didn't get the message - that's usually the most likely reason.

Asking for a couple of visits sounds like a really reasonable thing to ask though. I know you will try and I sincerely hope you can because I think that will be really helpful for you. I think you know you will struggle so wouldn't it be better to ask in advance rather than put it off?

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Old 06-12-2019, 07:59 PM   #1908
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It would definitely be a good plan, and especially to ask this specific person because she knows me and my needs so can pass it on to whoever's going to be on over the week. Fingers crossed I can do it. I always change my mind when it comes to the actual doing of things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-12-2019, 08:02 PM   #1909
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What if you write a list of the reasons why you need to do it and put it by the phone?

I've got my fingers crossed for you too. It's ok to ask for help.

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Old 06-12-2019, 08:03 PM   #1910
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I will give that a try, thanks NP.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-12-2019, 08:06 PM   #1911
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Any time. <3

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Old 07-12-2019, 02:01 PM   #1912
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I did write a note asking me to please call crisis and giving my reasons for doing it and telling me not to put my finger on the hang up button and just say hi but...I'm still not sure if I can do it. It's so scary and I don't really want to have a full conversation over the phone. Part of my phone plan with the crisis team is that I'm allowed to ask to end the call if it gets too much as long as I am safe and let them know I'm safe but I don't know if I would actually say that. I really don't know what to do. I probably don't need any support anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-12-2019, 02:12 PM   #1913
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Could the anticipation be worse than actually calling? I often find that. Maybe give calling a go when you return to your thread. You do need support, and it might end up being helpful and comforting.

If you don't feel able to do that now, would it be worth returning to it at, say, 6pm and reviewing it then? It might help not to feel anxious and uncertain all day.


Last edited by Soft Kitty : 07-12-2019 at 02:22 PM. Reason: To add
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:27 PM   #1914
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Thanks. Yeah, it probably won't be as bad as I imagine. I usually settle into a call after a little while if I give it a chance. I had planned on phoning at 1pm, I really should phone soon before they get busy but my current excuse is that I have a cat on my lap and to make a phone call I prefer to use my house phone and sit on the stairs.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-12-2019, 02:59 PM   #1915
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Good luck :) sitting on the stairs is always the best place to make phone calls imo!

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Old 07-12-2019, 03:52 PM   #1916
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Thanks. I finally managed to phone. They have put a plan in place for me to get phone calls at 7.30pm over the next week (but can be flexible or ask to end the plan). So I'll be panicking every evening waiting for the phone ringing! It depends who I talk to how useful it is. I'll probably have to talk to the person who makes me feel worse at some point.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-12-2019, 06:48 PM   #1917
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I'm regretting agreeing to phone calls.

The best thing would be extra support from my CPN but I obviously can't have that when she's off.

Life is hugely overwhelming. The thought of what my future could be like is even more overwhelming.

I went out to Tesco when it was dark and it felt like I was wandering at first. It has made me feel like I really should be doing something risky but I am so, so tired. I am useless.

I want to smash my head off everything because I keep realising there is a chance that my brother might read my posts at some point/could be right now. I need privacy!





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-12-2019, 06:55 PM   #1918
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My friend asked if I think an admission to hospital would be helpful. I'm actually thinking yes right now but I know I was affected by the other patients when I was in during October. Plus I think there are no beds in my local ward and I wouldn't ask for a planned admission when my CPN was off. I need someone around. I don't know how to manage all the scary, intense stuff that is going on right now.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 09-12-2019, 02:54 PM   #1919
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I really don't want to do life any more. I don't know how to cope. I've had 2 phone calls from crisis but I can't manage to express anything that is going on. It's the same with my support worker who I saw today. People ask me why I was contacting my CPN and what's going on etc and I don't have the words to explain. I must be making things up or overreacting. I really wish I wasn't so tired and was better at self harming so I could go on a self harm spree. I was at the treatment room today and my burn is looking much better which means I really should create something new. I deserve harm and punishment and I need to always have some damage created by me. I'm going to have to get on with overdosing soon. I'm just so overwhelmed with life but I can't seem to kill myself. Everything is emotional agony. I am so hugely distressed.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 09-12-2019, 08:33 PM   #1920
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I don't think you are making things up or overreacting
Would it help to write some things from this thread down and show your cpn/support worker/crisis team?
You don't deserve harm and punishment, I think you are a lovely person.



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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