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Old 14-01-2018, 04:32 PM   #601
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You're not useless, you're actually doing a fantastic job of looking after the cat and the apartment, despite not feeling the best yourself. Your friend is just overly critical and probably taking out her frustrations on you which is very unfair.

I understand what you mean about not being able to let go of things people say about you. I take everything people say to heart... and even though I know I'm being silly it still stays with me. Doesn't do a shred of good for my confidence, so I know how hard that is.

I'm going to be a total hypocrite here but want to say that you're the only person who can change you if you don't like who you are. I totally know that's not an easy thing to do but you need to do something to help yourself rather than get stuck in a cycle of self-hatred and distorted thinking that the world will be better off without you around. You're the only person who can help you. That sounds like a huge and impossible task, I know, but there must be one small thing you can start to change that might help.

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Old 14-01-2018, 06:58 PM   #602
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Thank you both.

Everything seems too overwhelming with regards to changing things. I don't know what small steps to take, I don't even know what the bigger steps that need to be broken down look like. I think I've been stuck in this mindset for so long that it might not be possible to break it. I have no motivation to do things myself. I bought an acceptance and commitment therapy book because my previous psychologist was wanting to do some ACT work but I can't find the focus to do the exercises. With books I just want to read quickly to get them finished. I don't know if I'd be allowed to go back into therapy to maybe do some more active work with a psychologist. It was said when I finished psychology that I could be referred again in 3 months which didn't happen, and my psychiatrist said I can be referred back when I'm more stable but I don't know. I've tried psychology many, many times. I think even if there was a way for me to feel somewhat better I wouldn't be able to experience it fully unless my brother was ok too and I have no control over his well being.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2018, 07:22 PM   #603
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I know you've said that it feels overwhelming to change things, and I can understand where you're coming from, but don't things feel overwhelming at the moment the way things are? Things are not going to change unless you change them. You don't have to do it on your own, not at all, but you do have to play quite a large part in it. Could you ask your CC to re-refer your to a psychologist with the specific aim of doing ACT work?



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 14-01-2018, 09:11 PM   #604
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Thank you for your reply. Some of what stops me from pursuing things is the fear that I'll make things worse. I'd rather be overwhelmed by mental illness than overwhelmed by whatever pressures come with moving forward. I lack in energy and motivation to try things and easily avoid anything when there are hurdles. I'm probably just lazy. Maybe the biggest thing is that I don't want to be ok while my brother is still struggling because that doesn't seem fair. He isn't keen on seeking help and there is no way I'd tell him that my well being depends on his well being this much. He knows a bit, but it would hurt him so much if I said I don't want to get better if he's not getting better. I couldn't be better if he wasn't ok, many of my triggering times have come from when he has been going through stressful periods. I don't know how to distance myself enough.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on the 22nd and I might phone my CPN before then to see if she will come with me and also try and write something in advance so they know what I'm going to bring up and so I'm prepared. I'm terrified of anything changing. I've been stuck for so long and I've failed at so much. Death always seems like the best option.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2018, 04:31 PM   #605
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I've already lost motivation to write something to discuss how I can move forward with my psychiatrist and CPN. I am just so hugely terrified that I will try something that will make things worse and then I can't get away from it. Don't know how to make the decision about whether or not I should ask my CPN to come to my psychiatrist appointment with me. I keep changing my mind.

My friend is now not sorting out getting her cat into a cattery. She thinks I haven't been going to see him twice a day and said that one time she was at her flat it didn't look like I had been. It's hard to know she is having negative thoughts about me, she means everything she says, I think her being unwell is just allowing her to express her feelings about me more than usual.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2018, 04:51 PM   #606
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I think it's really good that your friend is sorting out getting her cat into a cattery. I know it hurts to hear those things, but she's not been treating you with respect and has been putting a lot of pressure on you, so this is a good move for both of you.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 15-01-2018, 07:02 PM   #607
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She's not sorting out the cattery any more.

My brother had some bad news. He said he hates his job and he dislikes his life. I bet he more than dislikes his life. I can't help him and I don't know how much he can deal with. I don't want him to be hurting. I really don't know if I can continue with life for much longer because I am so emotionally hurt by every little thing and every big thing. I look at the things my brother has in his life and see how he has to struggle through and I couldn't bear any of the additional life pressures that he has to bear. I'm really not strong enough. I could probably keep going with life at this level but I'm inevitably going to have to take on more responsibilities and also see my brother go through more pain, so life is not going to stay at this level. It hurts so much to be alive. If anything goes way over what I can deal with I will have to at least attempt suicide and hope it doesn't go wrong. Things just feel so hugely emotionally painful because my inner pain due to BPD etc is always there and then things get piled on top of that from external factors. I can't take this any more. I don't know how to live.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2018, 07:05 PM   #608
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I don't mean this to make you feel guilty, it's just something to think about - how do your think your brother would cope if you took your own life?



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 15-01-2018, 07:10 PM   #609
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I think about it so much, a lot of the reason why I'm still alive is because I don't want to add any more crap for my brother to deal with. I'm just so rubbish at coping with emotional pain. It will always seem easier to find a way to die, I can't even run away from the pain any more because of my lack of self harm ability now. I'm being selfish. I know. I just don't know how to bear the pain that life brings.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-01-2018, 09:15 PM   #610
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Thinking of you. I hope things get better for you. I understand you are in pain just now, but things can change.





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Old 16-01-2018, 09:12 PM   #611
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Thanks.

I see no hope of things ever changing for the better. I'm not equipped for coping with adult life. I must have been strong as a child and teenager and young adult because I survived so much but now I can barely do anything. I think about how anxious I am with going out in the snow just now and think about all the people who are probably also anxious but still have to go to work and they do it. I've only been to see to my friend's cat once today because I was too anxious about the weather, I gave him more food and water than usual though and I'm sure he'll be ok because he always has food left in his bowl each time I go. I'm scared about my friend finding out as she has been asking me about what the weather's like and telling me that the cat still needs to be seen to. I don't want the cat to suffer, I know he'd be better in a cattery, but I can't stress out my friend either.

I feel like I really need some support with my mental health right now but don't think I could find the right words to explain things and I don't even know what people could do for me. I feel quite alone but in need of professional support rather than social support. I couldn't phone someone and say I feel like I need support but then not know what to say to them. I'm just rubbish at being an adult and being responsible for myself.

I wonder what it's like to have a day that is mostly filled with comfortable or neutral emotions. The majority of the time I'm struggling with something. Whatever breaks I get from the pain don't seem to be enough. I don't want to be trapped like this, I just want to die.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-01-2018, 09:33 PM   #612
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The emergency services will be busy tonight, and slower because of the snow. This feels like an opportunity to attempt suicide when hopefully no one would get to me on time. I feel quite impulsive but also calm enough to wait for now I think. I will regret not doing anything, I have never felt thankful for not going through with suicide. The snow and my cats on my lap are putting me off going out at the moment. I want to get to a hugely impulsive place and act. Sorry.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-01-2018, 12:28 PM   #613
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I’m sorry I wasn’t around.

How are you doing? I hope you are safe.





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Old 19-01-2018, 02:38 PM   #614
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How are you?



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Old 19-01-2018, 07:34 PM   #615
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Thank you both.

Sorry, I don't feel in the right head space to post much either to support people or get support myself. Hopefully that will change soon. Knowing me I may be ok later on this evening, things change quickly at times.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-01-2018, 07:50 PM   #616
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Good to hear from you.

Whenever you're ready for support we'll be here. You've been so kind to me, would like to support you too. But, like I said, whenever you're ready.



Sweetpea


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Old 19-01-2018, 08:48 PM   #617
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I will lose my internet when I go back to the ward but I am thinking of you.

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Old 21-01-2018, 07:56 PM   #618
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Thank you both.

My friend whose cat I was looking after came to get her keys one night when I text her saying I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to cope with looking after her cat. At first she wasn't bothering and said she was going to turn off her phone but then she came in the evening. I don't know what's happening with her cat though and she's stopped texting me. I've been a bit less anxious and stressed since so that's good but worrying because I couldn't deal with it.

I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it because any time I've seen him before he has said things that upset me. I've only known him since about May last year or something and he first met me when I was in hospital which I don't think was a good introduction. I've seen him in the community a couple of times. I should know by now what to expect from psychiatry appointments but I actually don't know how much he is going to let me exist the way I am or if he's going to push me too much because I have been out of hospital for 5 months now. He'll see that as meaning I am stable and well but I haven't been asking for any short admissions because my friend is in hospital. I'm coping outside of hospital anyway, I just don't know what additional things I could cope with.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-01-2018, 12:32 AM   #619
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It really is OK that you couldn't cope with looking after her cat. If it helps, I wouldn't have been able to either. We all have different tolerance levels when it comes to certain things. I know it's hard, but you really don't deserve to worry yourself over this. It's really good that she's taken her keys back. She'll find someone else to look after the cat, or put it in a cattery. That's a positive thing for everyone, including the cat.


Five months out of hospital is not a long time, and does not mean that you can cope with work etc. I'm sure that your psychiatrist will understand that. I've been out of hospital almost three and a half years and no ones said that I should increase my hours or anything. You cope with what you cope with and that's OK - you need to put your mental and physical health first.


Let us know how it goes. I will be thinking of you.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 22-01-2018, 05:08 PM   #620
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Thank you.

It went better than I expected with my psychiatrist. He knows that I was looking after my friend's cat because she is his patient too and he said that he thinks my friend was being unreasonable and ungrateful at times. It was weird to hear that because I assumed everyone would think it was me that was being unreasonable. He could have been lying though. And that means that my friend was saying horrible things about me to him and probably other people. We had a bit of a discussion about my focus on what other people think of me and I said I was worried about what he thinks of me. I think he said something like he likes treating me but that he wouldn't choose to socialise with me. I get that, but it's also a bit hurtful. I take things to heart very easily. I also don't know if I believe him that he thinks positively about me.

He asked me what I think about being out of hospital for 5 months since it's the longest I've been home for quite a while. He asked if I felt happy or sad. Then added pissed off. I think he thinks I just want to be in hospital. He said that 2 years ago I would have probably ended up in hospital after the things my friend had been saying to me so it shows that I'm stronger now. All it means is that I've been avoiding hospital because my friend is there and that I can't self harm to the extent that I used to for physical reasons.

He said the thing we haven't got in place for me is a long term plan and he asked what voluntary work I was looking into. I said I had applied to befriend an older person but I think he said something about wanting me to do something with my qualifications.

I think he's been told about the childhood thing I disclosed a while ago because he sort of round about mentioned it and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. He said it in a wrong way too, a way that seems worse and is definitely not the truth. I'm still having nightmares most nights about this event. I don't know what I have to do to make things better for the other person. I feel terrible.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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