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Old 03-11-2017, 08:52 PM   #321
one_step_closer
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Thank you. I continue to be at a suicidal point which increases and decreases in intensity frequently. I'm trying to remind myself that it isn't a stable intense need for death but I always want to die no matter how slight or massive the suicidal feelings are. I am contributing nothing to anyone while I am alive. I feel very useless and especially powerless to help my brother. I can see partially that my death may make things worse for my brother and that is the only reason I am trying to hold on. I'm not at an impulsive stage right now but I know that can change and this should maybe be the time to phone crisis but my anxiety of talking on the phone keeps getting in the way. And I really do not care if things get to an impulsive point and I manage to kill myself. This has to be my future. Selfishly if I'm dead I won't be able to see my brother's pain anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-11-2017, 09:57 PM   #322
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You contribute a lot. You have been so kind to me and given me great advice. You have been kind to others too. We need you here.

Keep fighting. You are worthwhile and deserve a good life.





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Old 04-11-2017, 03:13 AM   #323
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You have been kind to me and helped
Me x I really needed that and was so appreciative of it
Xx

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Old 04-11-2017, 04:44 PM   #324
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Thank you both. I want to be able to be there for people, it's easier online than it is face to face.

I keep thinking about how I don't have a terrible life right now. How other people have to deal with work, partners, children, financial difficulties etc, yet here I am finding it so difficult to cope. It's not fair that I have it easy when others don't. I doubt I could handle adult pressures more than I have at the moment. I can see myself being pushed over the edge if anything additional is added to my life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-11-2017, 05:32 PM   #325
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I don’t think you do have it easy. You have mh problems, which is incredibly hard to deal with. It makes certain things difficult to cope with, through no fault of your own.

How are you feeling today?





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Old 04-11-2017, 09:34 PM   #326
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Thank you. I'm desperate to let go of this life but I'm still trying to hold on for my brother. It's getting exhausting and upsetting having to deal with these thoughts and feelings every day. I think one of the main things that people find makes life worthwhile is the relationships they have with people but I don't even feel like I have any fulfilling relationships at all and I don't have the skills needed to form closer relationships and I'm too anxious anyway in social situations.

Part of me wishes someone could do something that would help me cope with my feelings and maybe even feel better but another bigger part of me just wants to die. I want to at least be as self destructive as I was a few years ago when I was self harming and overdosing lots but my body won't tolerate the process any more.

I will never be able to make things ok for my brother so I don't want to hang around. I'm only alive to protect him and I'm not managing to do that. The best thing for everyone is for me to kill myself. I must be quite pathetic because I can't find a way that I think would kill me for sure so I try to stay safe because I don't want to end up alive but disabled and cause further worry for my brother thinking when am I going to try and kill myself again. I have to have one shot and get it right.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-11-2017, 10:11 PM   #327
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I understand that feeling of living for other people however I think rather than just writing it off as 'I'll never want to live for myself' it might be worth asking, yourself properly asking yourself, what it would have to take for you to want to give yourself the care and the chances you give others and believe others deserve. It's hard to be objective when you feel so down on yourself but I believe in you and so do many others-we can't all be wrong. It's a case of trying to see that for yourself because it's only when you are working towards making things better because you care about you, rather than others that will help you drag yourself out of the spiral. Hope that makes some sense.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 04-11-2017, 10:30 PM   #328
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Buttons speaks wise words.

My psychologist said to me yesterday that our lives are like a sinus curve a bit. It goes up and down continually. Life is a series of mixed moments, some good and some bad. I really do get the way you feel and think about your life because i feel the same a lot of the time. I don't have any dreams. I figured there was no point in making new ones because they won't be real anyway. Sometimes it is easier to kill all hope of a better future because at least then it won't hurt when it turns out to be true. I do believe (even when it is so very hard to keep believing it) that hope is always there. It just kind of sits there and waits for you to grab hold of it again.

Even when nothing seems possible and everything seems hopeless there still are doors to be opened and opportunities awaiting. Happiness changes depending on who you ask. Do you think you have lost the ability to be happy???? I don't. I also believe you can be helped. And i fully believe you can help yourself too. It won't just happen though. It will take hard work and effort. But you are worth that hard work and effort.

Most days i feel an overwhelming desire to just cease to exist. I am not sure what keeps me here. Mostly the guilt, i think. Of putting others through what i have gone through from losing a very dear friend to suicide.

Life is not static. The valleys can be so low but the good things can feel amazing too. Is there something you would really like to experience???? You said you'd like to have proper close relationships with people. That is a very good wish to pursue. And it is not at all unrealistic. Mostly, the thing with dreams and amibitions is cutting them down into smaller steps. Taking each step in its own time. It may take a while but that is okay. It is okay to dream, Lindsay. No dream is too big. Nor too small. Sometimes the seemingly small things can lead to the biggest adventures.

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Old 04-11-2017, 10:32 PM   #329
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Maybe down the line things will improve for your brother. And for you too. You have to hope. Do you talk about this with your cpn?

I do hope you can be kinder to yourself, because you are a good person that deserves it.





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Old 04-11-2017, 11:25 PM   #330
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I agree with Zurg that life is hard but there is hope and opportunities in the future too but it takes time and hard work. I also know the effort it takes
To do anything and the feelings of utter hopelessness. Therein lies the problem. Where do you start? Well I
Do believe that being on here and talking is a great way to help and the acknowledgment you are struggling. You also keep in toci with your mh team and I appreciate that can be varied at times but you keep going and engaging and that is good. Things will improve and I believe that they will for your brother but with you in his life x

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Old 05-11-2017, 07:56 PM   #331
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Thank you for the replies.

Before I was discharged from psychology my psychologist said he was going to look into what my values are (what is important to me) and see if we could figure out how I could go about doing more things that I value. We never got round to doing any formal work because I was in and out of hospital but we did both see that I care about other people and want to be supportive of them. I might try and ask my CPN if it's possible for me to be re-referred to psychology with an aim to pursue my values, as my psychologist said at one point that I could be re-referred after I had been discharged from psychology for 3 months if it was thought I could benefit from another focused period of therapy, but he didn't mention that again when we reached the end of our sessions so I don't know if that still stands. I can see that I need to take whatever recovery is into my own hands and fight for it along with the support of professionals but a big thing that stops me is that I can't imagine how things could be better than they are right now, and also that I don't want to feel ok and have my brother continue to suffer. I'd rather we were both ok or I'm struggling and he's not. It hurts a lot to think about how my brother may be feeling and there's nothing I have ever managed to do to help him. He has had to put up with my crisis points when he's found out about them and the times I've been in hospital and I'm terrified that the roles will reverse and he will be going through many crisis points. I'm terrified about that for 2 reasons - one I don't want him to suffer, and two I don't think I'm strong enough to watch him suffer. I know maybe if I was more mentally healthy I could support him a bit better but I think I just want to avoid both my feelings and his.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-11-2017, 09:10 PM   #332
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Asking about being re referred to psychology is a good plan. It doesn’t hurt to ask, and it sounds like you have a perfectly valid reason.

I really hope things get better for both you and your brother. It must be worrying seeing him go through this.

You are right, you do care about other people, and it’s nice that you want to support them. You have been very supportive to me and to others, which is why you are such a valuable member of this community. I hope you can show yourself the same kindness.





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Old 05-11-2017, 09:26 PM   #333
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Thank you. A big part of me doesn't want to actively try to move forward which is quite difficult to admit. I know that the people involved in my treatment wouldn't be happy to hear that and may even stop supporting me. I can't imagine what a more stable life would feel like and I guess as with a lot of people I am afraid of the unknown. I am very afraid that anything different to how things are now would actually feel worse.

It's hard to show myself kindness because I know all my flaws and I know that with a lot of people they can be very hard on themselves because they are connected to themselves and may not be able to look at themselves as objectively as they would others. One thing my psychologist was trying to help me with was self compassion, it just feels so uncomfortable and wrong to do anything kind for myself. I think I'm kind enough to myself anyway in that I don't push myself to do many things if they feel too stressful and that's being too considerate of myself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-11-2017, 09:33 PM   #334
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I get what you mean. I fear the future, the unknown and I find recovery so hard to imagine.

Hopefully you’ll be able to speak to a psychologist again and can address these issues. It’s worth talking about it with your cpn.





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Old 06-11-2017, 07:13 PM   #335
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I'm sort of kidding myself. Psychology wouldn't help me. I've seen 4 psychologists now over a number of years and nothing has ever changed. I've just felt supported by the process of exploring things with a psychologist. My previous psychiatrist said I would be discharged from psychology as soon as it became about just supporting me. Everyone is so focused on whatever moving forward looks like to them but I don't want to take risks as I firmly believe nothing can get better than it is right now, I can only end up making things worse. There's no way things can get better. What does better even feel like? I am not programmed to be well. No one is guaranteed a good life anyway, life is some form of punishment.

I need to find the focus to plan a foolproof suicide. I can't carry on like this. I'm sure that suicide is the right option for me, but I can't get it wrong because then my brother will find out and worry about me for the rest of his life. He wouldn't grieve for the rest of his life if I was dead. I'm absolutely sick of trying to stay safe. This is so pointless. Everything is pointless. I don't want to fight any more. I can't do this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-11-2017, 07:31 PM   #336
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Please reach out to someone right now. Can you phone someone?

Now is the time to reach out, you sound like you are at crisis point. Can you phone crisis?





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Old 06-11-2017, 07:39 PM   #337
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I'm so tired of reaching out, it's not a solution. I may be somewhat pacified by someone for a period of time but all of this is just going to keep coming back. There's nothing anyone can offer me that would help in the longer term. I'm hurting everyone by being alive. I will hurt people when I die but at least I can no longer cause any new hurt. I really don't want to exist. There is nothing worth going through this pain for.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-11-2017, 07:47 PM   #338
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You are bringing something good to people by being alive. Please believe that.

Please stay safe. Who knows what the future will bring. We have to hope for change.





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Old 06-11-2017, 07:53 PM   #339
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I tried to phone crisis but the person who answered was someone I can't talk to so I just hung up. I could try phoning Breathing Space but they may tell me to phone the crisis team again or put me through to NHS 24 and I don't want to go through this process. If the person from crisis finds out I called Breathing Space because I couldn't talk to her she will be annoyed. I'm going round in circles. Nothing can change for the better.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-11-2017, 08:03 PM   #340
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Try phoning breathing space. It’s worth a try.

Crisis shouldn’t be angry with you for phoning breathing space. It’s a positive thing to reach out for help and you should not be criticised for it.





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