Glad - im not turning up to the group tomorrow... i just don't feel like it me is going to have imdor tillni feel up to it..... could be 8 months 100 months untill eternity i hope. i will turn up if shopping list laura, doesn't give me a rundown every week of her pantry or doesn't talk about her grocery items, or give me a weather forecast for the week, I have weather app for that.
i flipping know whats in grocery shopping bag- i see it every week.
and don't let me get started on her credit card and store card list. i don't flipping giv monkeys.
people in the group are there to talk about every day life, have chat about the weekend, what they got up to and that kinda thing or going through a divorce, we do not need some shopping list laura talking about bus prices or wether she should buy semi skimmed or skimmed milk and quantity of eggs she buys.
i did suggest she grab a notebook and write about that somewhere safe in one place.
Last edited by yoyogirl : 18-09-2018 at 01:33 PM.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Somewhat hopeful (cautiously so), looks like I might be getting closer to a diagnosis for me; finally! Going inpatient again might be unavoidable, seeing I've been very unstable these days and both my therapist and doc mentioned to me its visible. For instance, they've been testing me without me realizing it and I've been failing miserable. I still can't find my doctors office unless I walk behind them. Last week they made me lead and I couldn't find it (I've been in that same office many times). I became anxious and shaken. I told him 2 days ago, some days, I can't leave the house at all and I think about suicide multiple times a days, and I DO have intent and a plan (1/2 assed be it may, still more than a fleeting thought).
I will need to go to intense inpatient 2 times a week next month to figure out my level of disability. Not even talking about money here (I don't receive anything), just an official diagnosis I've been missing other than bipolar w/mixed features. Will be a relief to finally know what I'm facing, and, at least, be followed regularly since I can't afford to pay myself for regular care.
The run-around is already starting now that I'm elligable for some services I wasn't beforehand and I can't pay outright. I guess.. they hope I'll just give up (and die off); and at times, I feel doing just that and drinking myself to death - but that is what they want/expect, so I musn't for spite, if nothing else. I lack the energy to deal with the condensending attitudes from workers just saying "NO" to everything even before I explain the reason for the call, because they can (and are taught to do so). The sqeeky wheel gets the oil and I tend to become timid, which (in turn) works against me.
Now its Friday and I can't get my records from other doctors that my new doctor need, and they told me, that is just how it is. I can complately see how good people wind up panhandling on streets when it could have been avoided.
I know its not personal, though, it feels like it sometimes.
Today was awful. I couldn't shake this feeling that it will all crumble down on me in the not so near future, and I can see it coming (all the signs are there), but am powerless and watching it crash and burn around me. Not even just lacking the energy or stamina, I lack the basic common sense skills to fight this system that is working against me at every turn.. all me (only me) fighting with nobody advocating for me whatsoever, in fact, countless people are tirelessly working against me to exploit my weaknesses and take full advantage. Its always been this way and I know nothing else.
Tomorrow is Monday and I feel like everything (especially my life) is pretty pointless and there is nothing left of me. No energy and nothing to work for/towards. Just meaningless.
Growing increasingly worried about whats ahead. I think its too late for me - I'll be 46 and the system doesn't care to help someone like me. We are considered damaged and a statistic; nothing more. Even if they put in the effort to help me get out of this situation, odds are that I'll never become a valuable member of society.
The trouble is (for me, personally), that I am well aware of my limitations and they (alone) bring me down without the help of a system all too willing to keep me down. I simply can't accept that I'm (not even) 1/2 the man I used to be. I feel like I'm trying to walk through quicksand and can never get my footing.. both mentally and physically.
My fear(s) are very real and I feel I could wind up losing what little freedom I do have if they only knew how badly I struggle with basic functioning skills. Some days (most days), I can't leave the house due in large part by crippling fear, panic, multiple phobias and outrageous OCD. I've hidden it from doctors and only tell my therapist what I want him to know. I guard myself because I know they consequences of allowing him (and my APRN) to know the full extent of my disabilities. All this reinforces my reasons for wanting to "exit" this world.
It seems pretty hopeless, and according to statistics.. I probably should even be here. While I pat myself on the back for being a fighter, I'm fighting a losing battle that I lose in the end.
Didn't show up for my therapy today. Supposedly 2 no-shows and they drop you, and honestly, I couldn't care less at this point. I'm my own best therapist, very rarely are the answers I come up with (when I sit down with myself/inner voice/spirit for a session) are they wrong, trouble is, what surfaces only reinforce my negative views and I offer myself no viable solutions. I just can't stand the BS I'm told by "professionals" (textbook crap). Only a hand full of times was I told it 'like it is' and that was rare. I over analyze people (especially professional in charge of my care) and I see right through the "act".
I just want to fully accept myself and my quirks and learn to incorporate them into living my version of a life. From what I see when I look outside myself is a fake world and a silly game I want no part of.
I feel bad, I know this made now sense at all but needed to get that out.
Seems no matter what I do (or not do), I come up a loser. Running a race I can not win in the end all said and done. Starting to care less and less every day, depersonalizing more and more and left empty without direction or desire to keep fighting this uphill battle with the cards stacked against me.
Either the world left me at the station, or I missed the train. Either way, life moved on without me and I could never catch up now. I'm irrelevant and forgotten - seen as just another drifter...another useless dread of society that people would wouldn't spit on if they were on fire.