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Old 05-04-2019, 07:26 AM   #1
faith1020
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
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Contains sexual abuse - Why can't I cry?

I haven't told anybody but I need to. I was sexually abused by my grandfather for 7 years of my life. He started when I was 7 so I had no idea what he was doing and I didnt say no. Every single time he would bribe me with things until I said yes and by the time I was old enough to understand what was happening I was already conditioned to say yes. Now I cant help but feel like it's my fault. If I had just said no he would have stopped. Why didnt I?
I sometimes feel so disconnected with what happened that I feel like it didnt happen or that it happened to somebody else. Other times I can still feel him and panic. Throughout this all the one thing that I cant seem to do ever is cry for myself. It's like the feelings are right there, wanting to be let out, but I can't. Anybody else I will cry at the drop of a hat but when it's me... I feel like I'm falling apart inside with no way to show it. What's worse is when I cant feel anything at all. I just feel empty and numb. I dont want to do anything and nothing holds my attention.

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Old 28-04-2019, 01:29 PM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Hi there, welcome to RYL. I'm sorry it's taken a while for you get a response to this, it's very quiet around here these days I'm afraid.

This was not your fault. Children can't consent to sex and it also sounds like you were coerced which also means that consent wasn't possible.

Have you ever had any professional help with this? That could be a first step towards processing and moving forwards from the trauma.



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It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 13-05-2019, 08:51 AM   #3
faith1020
 
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I've never told anyone. I refused to think about for a couple years. I was constantly in denial. Then the dam broke and all the problems that were building up over the years just came out at once. I've been too scared to say anything to ANYONE, including professionals, for a while now. Ive just recently built the courge to talk to online like RAINN or recoveryourlife. It's getting worse and I'm terrified that people wont believe me or that I'm going to break the family apart. I just dont know what to do.

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Old 15-05-2019, 02:37 PM   #4
Horizon
 
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I'm so sorry about what your grandfather did to you. A child cannot consent to sexual activity of any kind. What your grandfather did was an invasion and taking advantage of a child's trust in him.
You were indeed conditioned to say yes. He groomed you and manipulated you. By the time you begin to question what he's doing, it's only natural that this would confuse you.

"If I had said no he would have stopped." A lot of times, someone sexually abusing a child does not respond to "no", and sometimes the child knows that saying yes might make things go faster/get it over with/ and not anger their abuser, especially since the child may fear angering them with their "no".

I'm glad to hear online resources have been helpful for you (I'v used RAINN online twice and found them very supportive!)

I would encourage seeking out therapy, because this seems to have a (completely understandable) effect on your current life. Sometimes the emotions need help coming to the surface in a safe space, and to be witnessed by a safe person. Sometimes we desperately want to get in touch with those emotions, but our mind has created a disconnect and/or tries to protect us from feeling overwhelmed with the emotion, if that makes sense.

Depending on your age and whether or not you're still in danger, your family would not have to know unless you chose to disclose to them.

Is there anyone in your life - friend, pastor, general practitioner, etc. who you would feel comfortable talking to? Is seeing a therapist something you'd be interested in?

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