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Old 25-04-2019, 07:00 PM   #1281
one_step_closer
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Thank you both.

I appear to be a kind person. (I am a kind person) but I have been evil since I was born and I hurt people without meaning to or wanting to. The men have made me aware of this for a long time and I know it's true because I see it happening around me. I did mention to my CPN at my last appointment that I recognise that I have good qualities and I do connect them to me but at the same time I can't let go of the belief that I'm fundamentally evil. I just hate myself so much. My CPN listed lots of words that she would use to describe an evil person (like cunning, cold, plotting, etc) and I let her say them all and said that describes me. Then she said what did I even say, and when I listed the words I was like no I'm not cunning no I'm not cold no I'm not plotting, etc. The specifics of evil don't fit me but the overarching word of evil does. I couldn't explain it to my CPN, I can't explain it to myself.

It is upsetting how some people in healthcare treat vulnerable people. Why is kindness and empathy and compassion so hard to show to someone who is suffering with their mental health? It seems like it's easier to do that with someone who has physical health problems but it should be the same.

I was really upset and worried and anxious near the end of the stress control class this week because the lady sitting in front of me got up and stood at the back of the room. I thought she might be distressed and I was getting myself worked up. At the end I heard her say that she had been sitting down all day and needed to stand up. So I was unnecessarily worried. I can't seem to stop it and I don't think I should stop it because she could have been distressed. If she was I likely wouldn't have done anything about it myself, and I know one of the psychologists kept looking at her so one of the facilitators would have made sure she was ok, but it's the fact of the pain that gets to me not a sense of my responsibility.

It's really sad that people might feel like I do. Like they are bad and don't deserve good things. That's not true for anyone other than me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-04-2019, 06:02 PM   #1282
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I want to bash myself to death.

I want to do myself some proper damage. I want to be violent towards myself. I cut but of course it was shit. I need to properly beat myself up. I hate myself! I need to kill myself!!! Get the fuck on with it! This needs to stop going on and on and on and for that to happen I must take action but I fucking don't! I even just want to cut well and overdose. I hate this shit. I had mental illness expression/hospital/self harm dreams again. Some of it needs to translate into reality. I am so scared and upset at losing my self harming abilities. What am I going to do?

Please don't let me be trapped here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-04-2019, 06:44 PM   #1283
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I phoned the informal crisis team but hung up despite someone good answering. I can't do this. What's the point? I can't allow myself to phone back because I will likely hang up again. Can't someone just push me over the edge, please? I don't want to keep fighting through these feelings. I need out of life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-04-2019, 07:13 PM   #1284
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What are the feelings? I'm sorry that you feel so desperate and helpless.

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Old 28-04-2019, 06:34 PM   #1285
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Thanks. I don't know, specific feelings words can be hard to find. But I do find myself describing things as intense, overwhelming, massive, mega, huge...all the big words. It's too much.

My key worker phoned today because I'm due a review and she's coming to do it next Sunday. She asked how I am and I said really not good and about being very suicidal. She asked if I wanted to talk about it but I said no I'd probably have no words. I can't communicate well enough.

I've got the dentist tomorrow. Something will have to be done about a filling that has fallen out. I might need to have the tooth taken out. I can't even properly look after my teeth. I don't check my body either. There is so much body surface to keep an eye on and internal things can't be seen. I am responsible for this physical bulk and the psychological stuff and how I affect other people. Too much, I can't have all this control. I shouldn't be the owner of a whole body and mind, I am too irresponsible and stupid and dangerous. Why did I have to be born? Because I was born I can now only escape through death and that's a huge thing to go through. There is no other option, I will have to die at some point. Why are we given this hell?

I want my twin. I want the men. I want a kind professional.

No one is going to let me just fight through life and try to maintain the ok periods, they are going to push me to 'move forward'. I don't want their definition of recovery.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-04-2019, 07:04 PM   #1286
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What is your definition of recovery?

I hear how things feel so much bigger than you can manage, overwhelming. I understand the sense of overwhelming responsibility and trying to keep track of everything, it just feels too much.

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Old 29-04-2019, 06:33 PM   #1287
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Thanks. I don't think recovery is even a thing to me personally, it just feels like pressure. There's nothing I want out of life and nothing I feel like I could even achieve. I just want to be allowed to manage and to get support when I can't manage.

I had a really distressing sleep, a pattern of having a nightmare about fire and then waking up a bit then going back to the nightmare. I was consciously terrified and thought I'd have to do something further to prevent a fire, maybe have another home fire safety visit. In and out of my nightmares I wanted to get up and phone someone because I was distressed. I don't know if I should contact the fire service and see if the people will come out again because when they came before they said I'm very unlikely to have a house fire. We didn't get to plan escape routes though because I was anxious. I'm probably acting like a child and I should get over my fears. The fire fighters from my local station passed me on to their community safety advocates the last time I requested a safety visit because they kept phoning me and I was too anxious to answer the phone. I don't want to waste time but I have questions and concerns.

My whole day has been so difficult. I can't focus on much or decide what to do. It's not good for me not to be occupied. People say it's ok just to get through the day by napping or doing nothing much but it feels like a waste of time to me and I can feel myself worrying about wasting time when I'm sitting picking and squeezing my skin because I can't concentrate on anything. I want to be able to phone the informal crisis team and speak to someone good but I'm lacking in energy and bravery and spoken words.

I shouldn't take up professional time though. I shouldn't even try to phone any crisis service because they could be helping someone else. Someone who doesn't have as much support as me, someone who hasn't been taught self help strategies. I'm expected to be ok because I have these things. I need a person. I am only one person and there are only so many professionals, their time with me needs to be rationed. They aren't allowed to be a substitute for the family and friends I don't have. Imagine one professional allocating some of their time to me. It's huge. Focusing time on me and only me in that moment. I don't deserve it. A human. But I need people. I'm sorry. I am so lonely and can't confide in people who I have a personal relationship with. I wish I could pick up the phone and get in touch with someone and really be heard and supported. I am alone when I can't take action.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-05-2019, 10:23 AM   #1288
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Feeling so rubbish, in whatever form I exist. The past couple of nights have been extra bad sleep wise. The night before last night was just bad due to pain but last night I felt very mentally unwell, distressed and confused. I tried phoning Breathing Space a couple of times but hung up. I sat outside in my PJs after midnight and whatever reality that was it was cold but that was the only real thing about it. I was completely alone. I was agitated in bed most of the night. The cats are concrete, my brother is concrete, but nothing else really. I'm very low today. I had an appointment with a GP this morning for a medication review and I hoped I'd be able to also communicate how hard things are but I didn't manage to communicate it at all. Of course I'm not going to take up additional time and I was asked there for a med review that's all.

I came home and lay on the floor for a while. It's mostly safe in that position. I have a washing machine being delivered today so I have to at least communicate minimally. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but I won't be able to explain anything, and to get to tomorrow I'm going to have to go through another night. I want to self harm but I'm tired, it's tiring even to imagine what I could do to myself. I've stopped doing my knee exercises so my knees are painful. Why should I bother looking after myself? My eczema is a bit worse but I'm not looking after that either. I have been feeling physically ill for about a week now too. I'm lucky I don't have big responsibilities.

I'm glad I didn't speak to anyone last night because I'm sure I would have ended up at least having a psych assessment. It was all unreal and still is but these are concrete things - that I had a GP appointment and I am waiting for a washing machine delivery so I have to play by the rules of whatever reality this is. I feel like my MH is at rock bottom right now, if this even exists.

Protect, protect, protect. Stay silent.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-05-2019, 12:16 PM   #1289
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*hugs* sorry you are struggling so much. I've forgotten, do you have a MH person?

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Old 14-05-2019, 01:47 PM   #1290
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I have some MH people but can only talk to them during appointments, phone calls are a no and I'm not allowed to text or email anyone. I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-05-2019, 02:00 PM   #1291
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That's frustrating. Have you been given any skills to use between appointments, to get you through the day?

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Old 14-05-2019, 02:04 PM   #1292
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I'm pretty much beyond skills, if that makes any sense. I'll get through the day anyway. I'm too safe.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-05-2019, 02:06 PM   #1293
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I know what you mean but I am very glad you're too safe.

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Old 14-05-2019, 05:59 PM   #1294
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So tired.

I watched the Louis Theroux thing about Mums with MH problems yesterday, it selfishly made me upset that other people have people who notice when things are wrong with them and get them help. It's hard to reach out for myself.

My CPN is not going to hear me tomorrow.

Lie on the floor. It's always safer to be below stuff.

I am alone.

This is going to continue forever.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-05-2019, 07:23 PM   #1295
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I had a slightly better sleep last night, probably after exhausting myself with lack of sleep. I'm still really tired but it felt amazing to get some rest. I'm guessing tonight will be back to a difficult sleep. I'm dreading going to bed.

I didn't manage to communicate how hard things are right now, when I saw my CPN because of course she was focusing on all the practical things I have been doing. I told her about lying on the floor for safety from the floating shapes etc but she didn't ask about it. I think she thought I have been lying on the floor because I'm tired.

There's been lots of stuff online about people being discharged from MH services because of targets and there not really being an 'acceptance' any more that some people might need long term support and that it's ok to have long term support. Everyone is going to leave me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-05-2019, 03:56 PM   #1296
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Wrecked.

Went to gym group, did 2 minutes on the treadmill and then my brain completely gave up. Everything I tried to concentrate on my body wouldn't do the things so I just timed the group doing their circuits although I had to use my stopwatch because I didn't seem to understand what 45 seconds was. Even getting changed was confusing and I lost the code for the changing room which I usually always put in my pocket but it was gone before I even got into the gym. I was quiet and tapping stuff. A random person was talking to me and one of the other people from the group when we were at the bus station and on the bus and I pretty much said very minimal stuff, she must have thought I was a bitch.

My cats only get food and cuddles etc from me. I don't give them enough stimulation and I don't thoroughly check them for injuries etc. They would be better off with someone else but that doesn't seem like a thing that I could do because one of them is especially clingy with me. They should never have been brought into my life. I can't do any normal adult things. I am useless. I hope I can at least find the energy to self harm soon. The people left behind are hurt by suicide. Remember. Just you take on all the pain.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-05-2019, 06:34 PM   #1297
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There must be a way to 'die' without the process of dying, especially for someone who isn't fully human. I wish I could figure it out so I wasn't trapped here. The men rarely tell me things any more.

Slight dissociation.

The fire brigade people are coming out to see me tomorrow. I haven't prepared for their visit so I'll be wasting their time. I'm just a scared idiot anyway.

Going to a meeting thing tomorrow about a MH strategy which I also haven't prepared for and have nothing to say so I will be useless with that too.

Maybe it's time for dematerialising again. It seemed to work at least a little in hospital.

I wish someone would hear me but I can't reach out. And in what form do I actually exist anyway? Stop breathing.

I'm too tired to research this with the men. Pathetic.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-05-2019, 07:07 PM   #1298
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You do exist and aren't an idiot.

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Old 17-05-2019, 09:22 AM   #1299
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Thank you.

I'm properly going to waste the fire peoples time today. I'm so sorry. I think it's too late to phone and cancel. I keep swearing at myself because I'm annoyed and anxious. This world doesn't need me and I can't deal with life so I need to be getting on with suicide. I don't want to face any more days.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-05-2019, 11:57 AM   #1300
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The fire people were lovely and insisted I wasn't wasting their time, despite them going over stuff they had already told me about and then they basically just had a general chat with me and even checked how I'm doing MH wise. I of course didn't go into detail about stuff, I know that's not their job. They said they don't want me to fight any fires or climb out of upstairs windows because if I go into a room and close the door it will keep the fire out for 20 minutes and if I phone 999 right away the fire brigade can be there in about 6 minutes. That is reassuring. I said I had got a fire blanket in case something happens like there is a fire outside the living room door and the cats are in the living room then maybe I could use the fire blanket to put out the fire at the door and get the cats. They said what do I think would cause a fire at the living room door? I never actually thought about that. They said any fire would likely be in the kitchen but again reiterated that I am highly unlikely to have a house fire. They said they could arrange to take me to the fire station to look around and/or watch some training happening. I'm not sure about that. It was so hard not to get upset about wasting their time and I was doing stupid movements and saying stupid things. I am such a freak.

I am so tired of battling through life. Life is too painful. I don't want to do this, any part of life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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