I don't think you're a coward for not killing yourself, I think it indicates that you're a strong person to keep fighting, even if the suicidal thoughts are so intense. I don't think it is pathetic.
I also agree with OSC in that if possible try to be a bit kinder to yourself and give yourself a break from the bad talk if possible. Seems like you have a lot of intense feelings at the moment. Do you want to talk about what is going on for you?
Keep being strong, even if you need to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. You can get through whatever is going on.
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