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Old 03-11-2019, 01:23 PM   #41
[Luna]
 
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I don’t know what to do. They say I won’t make it to the end of the year.
Yesterday they said I’m rotting and now I can smell it.
Things feel very confusing. I feel I should be doing something to prepare. How do you prepare?

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Old 03-11-2019, 02:19 PM   #42
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I don't think you're rotting, even if you're being told you are and think you can smell it. These things happen when we're under lots of pressure and are feeling unwell. But I do understand it must be terrifying. Have you been taking the increased Quetiapine and the Diazepam? Will you talk to the GP about how you're feeling when you see her again tomorrow? It's ok not to be ready to start the job yet, we all get unwell sometimes and can't do things we need/want to do.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-11-2019, 02:53 PM   #43
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Today has a fuzzy edge.

I’ve increased the Quetiapine but haven’t picked up the rest of the Quetiapine from the pharmacy yet.

I’m supposed to be seeing my mum soon and I don’t want to. I don’t want her to ask me loads of questions.

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Old 03-11-2019, 04:21 PM   #44
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Can you say to her that you're not up to lots of chat, if you have to see her?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-11-2019, 04:29 PM   #45
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I’m with my mum. She asked about the job pretty much immediately.
I feel like such a failure.
Having a lot of images. It’s hurting my head.

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Old 03-11-2019, 06:06 PM   #46
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How did she react to the news about your job? I hope she was supportive.

You're not a failure at all- think of all the things you have overcome, rather than the things that you haven't quite managed yet.

Would it help to talk about the images?



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 04-11-2019, 03:29 PM   #47
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Have you seen the GP today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-11-2019, 12:48 PM   #48
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She seemed surprised but didn't say much. I feel so much pressure from her to work and I feel like a complete failure. The agency tried to phone me but I ignored it. Its stressing me out so much. I feel sick everytime I think about it all.

I'm getting a lot of images of blood, people being hurt in horrible ways, fire, eyes. They fill up my head until I can't think anymore. I'm struggling to focus on anything properly.

I'm feeling spacey and agitated today. Things feel very dreamlike but I'm still seeing the people when I go outside. I tried to do some drawing but I can't control my hands properly.

I saw the GP yesterday,. she said shes going to contact the cmht and try and get them to see me sooner. Haven't heard anything.

My mind keeps swinging from being terrified and worried about dying to thinking maybe everyone would be better of if I was dead. I don't think my life is going to amount to very much. I'm fucking useless.

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Old 05-11-2019, 02:11 PM   #49
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That is a lot of stress and pressure, it can't be making things any easier for you MH wise. What is the arrangement with the agency? Do you have to get a note from your GP if you're not going to start the job soon? Maybe getting a note from your GP would relieve some of the pressure.

I'm sorry you're having such distressing images and experiences. It sounds like you're really trying to focus on things and get some relief. Does watching a funny film help at all or looking at positive images of landscapes etc? Trying to replace the negative images with more positive ones might be useful but I know it won't be as easy as that.

I hope you hear from the CMHT soon. Did the GP offer you another appointment?

You're definitely not useless, you are obviously cared about and needed in your family. Other people would definitely not be better off if you were dead, they would be heartbroken. Have you mentioned these thoughts to your wife?

Please keep doing what you can.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-11-2019, 11:13 PM   #50
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I need help.
I don’t want to die. The people and the voices are saying they are going to kill me by the end of the new year. I want to fight them. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel helpless and scared anymore. I don’t want to leave my son and my family.

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Old 08-11-2019, 02:32 PM   #51
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That sounds scary but I don't believe the people or the voices are in a position to kill you. You show such strength and it's great that you want to fight, you need to be telling people what is going on for you. That is the way to get through this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-11-2019, 11:05 PM   #52
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Today has been horrendous.
Just come home from a&e.
I feel so broken.

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Old 09-11-2019, 11:42 AM   #53
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Did A&E offer anything useful? How are you today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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