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Old 30-07-2019, 04:38 PM   #1
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Tired

I feel like I should never have been here in this world. Bit of a rhetorical question perhaps, but when do you think it's okay to just do the 'selfish' thing and die? I'm so tired. I'm better than I was but I'm so scared of it being like that again, and I still struggle to live through my life currently. I really don't want to hurt the people I love but I just don't want to have to go through the pain any more.

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Old 30-07-2019, 09:35 PM   #2
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I think you know the answer to your maybe rhetorical question...! I'm sorry you're struggling so much still but you said it yourself, you are better than you were so maybe things can keep on getting better. What makes you think things will go back to how they were?

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Old 30-07-2019, 09:54 PM   #3
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Thanks np xx It will probably pass, it usually does. I'm just struggling more and more and engaging in risky behaviours again. I'm not sure why I think things night go back to how they were, because they may well not. I'm just feeling totally worn down and worn out by it all.

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Old 30-07-2019, 10:01 PM   #4
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Knowing it will pass is a good thing but that doesn't negate how you feel right now. It is tiring, I understand that. Have you got support or things you can do yourself to help stop things escalating?

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Old 30-07-2019, 11:22 PM   #5
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Thank you for understanding.

I need to keep taking my medication even if I don't want to. I have also taken something to help me sleep (hopefully) as haven't been sleeping well recently. I need to try and hold on and take things hour by hour. I have work tomorrow afternoon/evening so hopefully that will help me stay distracted for a bit.

I don't really know about support. My CPN is going on leave for two weeks tomorrow. I apparently have an appt with my therapist on Monday. It seems like a long time away. But I guess I've survived the last twenty years. I feel like I'm not supposed to ask for help any more, though maybe that's illogical. Just feel like I'm meant to die.

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Old 31-07-2019, 12:12 AM   #6
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I can understand why it might feel that way and can relate. I don't have better words at the moment, but I have read and wanted to say I care and I hope things get easier for you soon. Feeling things so intensely can be really exhausting. I think if you need more help it would be okay to ask for it. Do you have anyone you can contact while your CPN is away?



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 31-07-2019, 01:15 PM   #7
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Thank you xx I'm sorry you can relate but I'm really grateful for your words. While my CPN is away I could call the crisis team or the duty worker. I seem to find it difficult to know when is right to contact people for help. Maybe I need to work on understanding that at some point.

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Old 31-07-2019, 03:08 PM   #8
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I'm sorry you're struggling just now. I can relate to things being more settled but still worrying lots about things becoming more difficult again. It can be hard to stay in the moment. I can also relate to not knowing when to contact people for help. I think it would be good to try and contact someone to see about the possibility of having support while your CPN is off because it sounds like you could do with someone at the moment.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-07-2019, 09:48 PM   #9
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Thanks Lindsay xx I got my care plan through the post and it says that we are working towards discharge. I know this, so it doesn't really surprise me and I don't think there's much more they can do to help me. It just makes it hard to ask for extra support. I find it hard to be honest and I minimise a lot of stuff because I kind of don't see the point in being explicit about risk (plus I find it really hard) and they don't ask. But I'm going to try and be more honest in future, even though I don't expect, or really want, it to change the outcome.

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Old 01-08-2019, 10:53 AM   #10
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I can understand why working towards discharge would make it extra hard to ask for support. I also know what you mean about people not asking direct questions about risk etc so you don't say anything about it. Could you write down what points are important to get across and try and contact someone to discuss those points? Is there anything else that would help at the moment?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-08-2019, 11:08 PM   #11
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Thank you. I have therapy on Monday so I'm going to try and wait until then as things are a little better than they were. I do need to try and clarify when is the right time to seek help in a crisis because I kind of get into my head sometimes that... not that professionals want me dead, but that they kind of accept it as the inevitability that I do (that I may die)... which may not be true. It stops me reaching out for help as I can't seem to tell when I'm in crisis compared to what my mental health is ordinarily like. I'm not really explaining well but I think I probably do need to try and make some sense of it all and 'check it out' with people.

I think I just need to have some courage to do that.

I think I'm giving up on myself and that makes me assume everyone else must be giving up on me too, which may or may not be true. I think there's a reality that there's only so much even services can do. There's only so much even I can do. I just don't seem to be able or ready to accept that this might be as good as it gets, because it's so hard.

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Old 02-08-2019, 12:16 PM   #12
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That does make sense. At one point when I was in hospital I made a list of thoughts/feelings/behaviours that I show when I'm well and when I'm unwell. Do you think working with someone to make a list like that might be useful?

It is hard to face up to what services can and can't do and what you can and can't do at the moment. I don't think anyone would give up on you though and I would encourage you not to give up on yourself, even if you could just hold on to a tiny bit of fight. I really hope things improve for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-08-2019, 04:55 PM   #13
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Hey lovely. I'm really sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. I can hear how painful and exhausting it all is. I second Lindsay's suggestion about making a list of signs that you're unwell/that it would be a good idea to reach out for extra help. It may be something that your therapist or cpn could help with or if you want to brainstorm things here we can try to support you with it. I think sometimes it can make it a bit easier to reach out as well because you can explain that you're struggling with X, which is a warning sign and you've agreed with [professional] that this is the action you should take. If you feel like you can manage things yourself (or with support from family or your partner if that's an option) for the moment then that's great but please remember it's okay to need support. You are worth it even when you don't feel like it, and it often makes more sense to ask for help before things become unmanageable.

I genuinely don't believe that there's any reason to believe that this is as good as things will get for you. I understand, to an extent anyway, how painful it can be to accept that there are things that you will continue to struggle with. But I can also see how incredibly far you've come over the years I've been RYL-stalking you! You've done things that I imagine you wouldn't have thought possible a few years ago. And while that doesn't necessarily make things any easier, it does demonstrate how much strength and resilience you have - and, hopefully, that things can always change. Try not to limit yourself, I've seen so many people achieve a level of recovery that no-one ever thought possible. I'm sure you're dealing with some really difficult stuff through therapy, which is really courageous of you, and I wonder if that might be contributing to things becoming more difficult? That's just a guess but if it might be a factor it's worth remembering that it is likely to help in the long run.

Thinking of you.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 02-08-2019, 07:55 PM   #14
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Thank you so much Lindsay and Hannah.

I do think it might make sense to try and make a list of signs I might need more help. I did make a WRAP at one point (I wish I could find it!) which is outlined on my care plan as being a useful tool, so I might see if my CPN/therapist would be willing to help me make another one over the next few months. I might try and do more thought records as well as part of me can see there's a possibility some of my thoughts about how others see my eventual outcome may not be reality.

I think I really struggle to balance my social anxiety with my need for meaningful activity and many attempts to improve this have left me feeling quite defeated. I need to try and pull my socks up and find something to do besides cleaning (which is not an unpleasant job, just not a very rewarding one!) I'm thinking maybe I will try a nature group to build community and maybe some cooking for an arts and crafts group for people with disabilities. I think you can start off quite on the periphery which might feel easier. Hopefully my confidence will build.

Or maybe I can even make up a project of my own somehow.

Hannah, you're right that there is always hope for people to change and achieve levels of recovery that nobody thought possible. That's encouraging to remember and I need to try and remind myself that it may be possible for me too. Lots about my life is very good with lots of stuff on my side, I think I'm just really lonely and struggling to bridge the gap between the ways in which I feel limited by my mental health, and the need to be 'out there helping' - it's been a bumpy ride building that bridge!

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Old 03-08-2019, 12:58 PM   #15
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Doing something that you like that has a social aspect but starting on the periphery sounds like it could be a really good idea. Do you have any support workers etc who could maybe go with you to start doing more social things?

Making another WRAP etc would be a good plan I think. Even if you knew where your previous WRAP is it may be that things have changed and it would need amending anyway.

Try to be gentle with yourself, it's obvious how much you are trying to fight.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-08-2019, 07:16 PM   #16
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Thank you xx I don't have any support workers so it would probably be something I would need to do myself, which feels a bit of a stuck position but I'm just going to keep trying. I feel I've failed an awful lot of social stuff, but maybe I'm forgetting the positives. I guess I've managed to create some links as well with work and yoga. I did manage college earlier in the year as well, though that was both hugely challenging and rewarding.

I think I will try and have a go at making another WRAP. I think it was quite empowering at the time. I got a bit stuck with the crisis plan element of it last time, so it was never completed, but I'll have a proper go.

Thank you for saying that :)

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Old 04-08-2019, 07:20 PM   #17
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Do you know if there are any MH charities in your area who could provide support workers, if you think that could be useful? It does sound like you have managed some social things despite it being difficult, I'm sure that means you could create more connections.

Good luck with your WRAP. What made the crisis planning bit hard, do you remember?





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Old 05-08-2019, 08:25 PM   #18
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Thank you xx

I'm not aware of any charities unfortunately. I don't know if anyone knows of any? I don't know that it would be available here as it's quite a small town but I could look into it.

I think my problem with crisis planning is a difficulty knowing when I'm in crisis/when I need to ask for further help from people around me or services. It's hard, I think, when crisis-type situations occur because possibly thinking gets a bit twisted for people (ie for me believing that it would be easier for most people if I was dead/struggling to ask for help because I think I'm not allowed). My therapist said she's going to help me with a more in-depth crisis plan with like a red-amber-green system so I can know what to do to help myself and when I need others to help me. So that sound like it could be useful rather than being stuck in the more distorted thinking.

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Old 06-08-2019, 03:24 PM   #19
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What round about area do you live in, if you're ok mentioning it? Maybe citizens advice would know if there are any charities.

A more in depth crisis plan with scenarios and actions to be taken sounds like a good idea. I hope you can allow yourself to use it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-08-2019, 04:51 PM   #20
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Thank you. I live in North Yorkshire in England but not too comfortable being more specific. That's very true about the CAB, I'll either ask them or my CPN when I next see her.

Thank you, yeah I would need to make a decision to do my best to use it if needed. I do think it has the potential to be useful but also have some niggling doubts about whether I will manage to carry out a crisis plan if it came to it.

I'm doing a bit better now so might just leave this thread for a little, hopefully I won't need to bump it but I'll keep it around in case I do. Thank you for all the support and hugs everyone xx

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