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Old 27-07-2019, 04:51 PM   #1
Moonlight Princess
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When you hate yourself but you don't know why...

what do you do?

I mean I hate the child I was. She is vile and disgusting but I don't know why.

There is something wrong with her but I don't know what it is. It's like her wrongness is tattooed on her bones so how can I begin to work on this if I don't know what it is?

I stop her succeeding because I don't want her to have anything. I don't want to do it anymore. It's my life that's being ruined. It needs to stop but I don't know how to do it.



Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.


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Old 27-07-2019, 06:53 PM   #2
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Is there a way to still show compassion even though you feel hate? Are you talking to a therapist about this stuff? Is it important that there is a clear reason for the hate you feel? Sorry about all the questions.





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Old 01-08-2019, 04:53 PM   #3
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Hi Lindsay
Thanks for replying and they are good questions! I can show compassion on some level quite a lot of the time because I can argue logically that there is no reason not to and I haven't done anything wrong. Also I've had so many experiences where allowing my inner monologue of hatred to take over has meant that I've performed so much worse at what I need to do that I'm on some level finally grasping that I'm a better person when I can be self compassionate so that's my route into it.

The trouble is when I'm doing something I love like education I get this sense that I don't deserve to achieve my goals because of the hate I feel towards myself and it seems like logic can't touch that. I feel so much anger at the person I was (who I suspect I hate) and also anger that I've got myself to the point where I'm on the verge of achieving something but now find myself unable to for this reason which I know is illogical. It feels so intense.

I've just had an assessment for a private counselling service where I started talking about this stuff.

I think it is important to find out where this hate comes from as it feels like it's dogged my life for a long time now. It has hurt me so much for so long now.



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Old 01-08-2019, 07:46 PM   #4
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One thing I've found helpful with regards to self hate is instead of trying to challenge it with self love/compassion is to aim for neutrality instead if compassion doesn't always work.

So instead of trying to challenge, I am disgusting with something like, I am worthy, is it worth trying to challenge it with something more neutral like, I am simply a human doing my best, or idk, whatever is more helpful and neutral for you. Anything you can do to get some distance from the inner monologue that is unhelpful is a good start.

When will you hear back about the assessment?

Thinking of you.



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Old 02-08-2019, 12:24 AM   #5
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When you think about when those feelings started, how old were you and what was occurring around that age?




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Old 02-08-2019, 09:06 PM   #6
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Yeah thanks Camden and Jodie :)

Camden I think that's a really helpful idea. I struggle with my feelings partly because I tend to think that feeling them is shameful and I struggle to articulate them because people have told me I'm being ridiculous or lying about them in the past. I don't know where I was going with that part of it now sorry! I've started being more honest about how I feel and what I think and it's helped in the sense that I don't feel so different from the people around me any more in a positive way, like I'm still part of the human race that are struggling rather than being so 'weird' that I'm something different. Sorry that's just waffle! But I get what you mean in terms of I don't suddenly have to become my biggest fan in order to continue with life and there is a lot of middle ground there that I can aim for to start with, thank you.
They are going to get back to me and it should take several weeks to hear back they said.

Jodie I'm having a think about your question so I'll get back to you :) Currently it feels like I can always remember feeling that way but I'm going to give it a bit more thought.



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Old 10-08-2019, 08:28 PM   #7
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My counselling appointment is on Friday 16th August.

I don't know Jodie, when I think about childhood it just feels like a swirling mess of emotions so it's hard to think about things clearly.
Maybe the more I learned about myself the more I hated the person I had become? Like the self hatred was like this simmering heat which had reached critical mass around 16/17 and I could not continue any more because it had engulfed me by that time.

Am I still the same person I was before all this started? Or is it pointless trying to get her back?



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Old 10-08-2019, 10:50 PM   #8
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Maybe unhelpful, but the way I look at it is that as a person, you are constantly changing and evolving. We all are. We all have to in order to survive a constantly changing world. So in that sense, trying to go back to who you were won't serve you well in the now. It's better to try to focus on the type of person that you want to be, and figure out what things and values are important to you, and how you can work to do things that get you closer towards those things.

That may make zero sense, or be unhelpful, so feel free to ignore.

I'm glad you have an appointment! Did they tell you anything to expect or will you find out more when you go?



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Old 11-08-2019, 02:09 PM   #9
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How are you feeling about the appointment coming up?

Sorry I don't have much else to offer.





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Old 11-08-2019, 09:06 PM   #10
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Camden I found that really helpful, thank you. I always feel quite distressed when thinking about how my life could have gone if things with my MH hadn't gone south but reading your reply has really helped with that so thank you.

Lindsay you always have so much to offer! I think it will be helpful but I don't know how it will feel to talk about this stuff. I have really intense feelings that kind of sever my ability to cope when I'm in a stressful situation but when I'm out of that situation my feelings bounce back to quite a positive place and I don't want them to say that I'm making this up. Sometimes I feel like I'm making this up but then the fact that it has blighted my life is true as well. I don't know how to help them see that both things are true and I'm not sure the extent to which they can help me if I'm not experiencing the stress levels that trigger the feelings. I'm okay but then I get quickly not okay and I'm hoping they can help with that.

It's 50 minutes every week for as long as I want but I'm not sure more than that yet. I think each counsellor has a different background and orientation but I'm not sure about mine until I meet her I think.



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Old 12-08-2019, 10:29 AM   #11
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Quote:
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I'm not sure the extent to which they can help me if I'm not experiencing the stress levels that trigger the feelings.
I personally think that often therapy/counselling is more effective when you’re not in a crisis or period of high stress. When you’re in a crisis, whatever form that might take, the focus ends up being on the symptoms of the crisis and trying to deal with that, rather than having the time and space to focus on the actual issues at the core of it.



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Old 19-08-2019, 10:23 PM   #12
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Yeah I never thought of it that way Jenna and actually I'm in place where I'm willing to go quite deep to figure out what's happening, so like you say it's probably necessary that I'm not in crisis. Thanks!



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Old 20-08-2019, 03:34 PM   #13
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How did your appointment go? (If you want to share).





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Old 30-08-2019, 11:05 AM   #14
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Thanks for asking Lindsay :)
I felt it was good. She has a Gestalt theoretical orientation which I don't know much about but she said I can ask as many questions as I want to about it as we go. As far as I can gather it's about bringing all the parts of me that might have been hidden or squashed out into the open and accepting them all, which I like the sound of as I think I'm quite black and white about myself as a person in general.
I'm trying to attempt something challenging (for me) which I don't feel ready to say yet as I'm quite worried about it but I'm hoping she can help me with that.
Second appointment today so watch this space!



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Old 30-08-2019, 12:06 PM   #15
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That sounds like a really useful thing to with regards to bringing all the parts out in the open and learning to accept them. I assume the challenging thing you are attempting is a healthy recovery thing, so well done!! You're being so brave trying to engage with this properly and that's exactly what makes therapies work so I'm feeling positive for you and well done for putting the effort in :)

*watches space*



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Old 30-08-2019, 05:22 PM   #16
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That sounds really great. I hope you can have a good therapeutic relationship and ask her any questions that you have.





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Old 02-09-2019, 07:43 PM   #17
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You're being so brave trying to engage with this properly and that's exactly what makes therapies work so I'm feeling positive for you and well done for putting the effort in :)
Aww gosh thank you Jenna :)
Yeah a friend of mine (non RYL) is in therapy right now and she's really engaging with it and it's really helping her. Now that's not a judgement at all on people who are finding it hard to engage with therapy because therapy can feel really scary for lots of reasons which I'm sure a good therapist would be able to help with, but I think it is helping me not being in crisis Jenna like you said.

Thanks Lindsay, I really appreciate your support :)



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Old 02-09-2019, 08:22 PM   #18
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I've never heard of Gestalt therapy but from what you say it sounds a bit similar to ACT, which I've found useful. I hope it goes well for you. Either way, even if the type of therapy isn't for you, it sounds like you've had an overall positive experience with a mental health provider, which no matter what shouldn't be discounted.

Re the crisis thing, my therapist explained it to me as like, when the brain is in a crisis/fear/heightened emotional state, learning is disrupted. Your brain cannot process and retain information properly. Whereas when you are not and are more relaxed, you're actually able to learn new information and process it. Like this apparently is a scientifically proven thing that in different states of mind, the brain's ability to learn is impacted.



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Old 16-09-2019, 06:13 PM   #19
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Yeah that makes sense Camden.
I had forgotten about this but a while ago I was assessed by the CMHT and they decided I could benefit from CBT. That was a while ago and now they've offered me an appointment and I'm worried it might interfere with the work I'm doing privately, especially since CBT and gestalt seem to come at things from different angles. What shall I do? Shall I ring them beforehand and explain? I'm worried that both sides might be angry with me for starting two different types of help but I didn't want to prematurely rule myself out of options before knowing what would help.



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Old 16-09-2019, 06:39 PM   #20
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I think you could explain in person and not necessarily in advance, just make sure the private therapist is also aware. Different types of therapy can also focus on different issues. So for example I was getting therapy for an eating disorder and other stuff at the same time. As long as both providers are on board with it and can communicate as needed, it's usually not an issue. It can be helpful when you have a lot going on as different approaches can help with different things but still compliment one another.



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