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Old 14-09-2019, 12:07 PM   #61
MoNo
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Originally Posted by nonperson View Post
And even if no one comments, people are still reading.
haha, true. i just got into this mindset that like no one was saying anything because it was bad, but i kept adding to the thread just because i like writing stuff anyways so it was fine either way. i do take months off every now and then because i don't feel it sometimes, but it's nice to have something to come back to. i don't think i've posted any of these on other sites (maybe a couple of the oldest ones on tumblr years ago) so it's just where i end up sometimes.

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Old 14-09-2019, 12:28 PM   #62
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Nah, don't think it's because it's bad! It's just quiet here. It doesn't really matter if it's good or bad as long as you get something from writing it down somewhere.

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Old 14-09-2019, 03:59 PM   #63
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midnight stroll

stepping through streets, night's come at last
moving my feet, walking too fast
gotta slow down, gear back the pace
don't make a sound, it's not a race
there's a full moon, but not a star
it's midnight soon, and i've walked far
the sky is dead, suburbian
take me instead, oblivion
the tree tops sway, but there's no wind
to take me away, i cannot win
it's a fools moon, a forlorn sight
i may be doomed, but not this night
this town grows tall, like an ant farm
higher to fall, guess there's no harm
jump from the top, freedom at last
my footsteps stop, i've walked too fast

i've made it home before midnight passed.

---

it's 11:59pm lmao not even midnight
track

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Old 15-09-2019, 11:38 AM   #64
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On self-injury and being garbage at life.

I've always felt a bit different from my peers in this disorder. I've talked to a lot of people from varying communities, especially back in the day before trigger warnings became an internet meme and people got pretty graphic whenever they used one. Back when pro communities were like the internet boogiemen for mental health, before tumblr and Instagram shed light on these issues (in the most damaging way possible, by glorifying it). So I understand and have been told in great detail quite a variety of different ways peoples addiction to self-injury have progressed — or regressed, depending on how you think of it. I myself have never recovered, nor have I ever sought to. However, I've had very few people who even come close to the way I approach things, and I'll explain what I mean.

I stopped having urges three years in. I'm currently around the fifteen year mark. I don't like it, I don't want it. Abhorrent, unnatural. I flirt with it, like a child staring at a dose of nasty cough medicine his mum set on the kitchen counter. He stares at it, takes it in his hand and inspects it. He smells it, pokes his tongue in and tastes it. He knows it'll make him feel better, but it's disgusting. Unlike the child, I have no one to tell me to take it, so I set the medicine down. I repeat this every day, every other day, every week, every month, until I'm finally sick enough to relapse. The feeling that washes over me is like the child downing an entire glass of water to wash away the taste—the most refreshing glass of water he's ever had. Tomorrow, the next dose sits on my counter waiting.

For a while, I take the medicine, and I feel as if I've got to go back into hiding; long-sleeves for a month, you know the deal. I've never really felt like a failure for doing this, rather, it pales in comparison to the failures in every other aspect of my life. The biggest issue I face is that I just so happen to contract this "sickness" around the final quarter of the year, during blistering Australian summers. (By sickness, I'm not referring to depression or suicidal thoughts; those are par the course the entire year. I mean purely self-injury related.)

Then one day I get bored. A pretty big and consistent issue in my life; I'll get bored of basically anything and put it away for months at a time, sometimes even years. I can't remember the last time I played an instrument. Last year, I actually managed to not relapse. Maybe even the year before; since I'm not actively trying to recover I don't keep count, nor do I myself even think of it as "relapse". It's just the closest word to how I feel. If I happen to spend a couple years feeling like garbage but without hurting myself, then so be it. Maybe I can go another year? It literally doesn't matter to me either way: if you checked on my arms for the last two - three years and saw no further injury, would you assume I'm in recovery? The symptom's never gone away, and is probably not something I'll be dealing with any time soon. I'm about to hit 30, and having the same issues I had at 18.

The things I've written, the songs I've made, the people I've shared with: none of them are a cry for help from my perspective. Rather, I just want people to experience the expressions and stories I can tell, even if there's very little to tell. I want to exist, even if most of the things I've written talk about suicide. I feel like a ghost and I want to exist.

---

i actually only wrote the 2nd paragraph initially, it was meant to just be insight into how i view self-harm
it ended up turning into some kind of journal essay pointless rambling thing lmao
since i referenced having made songs, i'll link something
into dusk

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Old 15-09-2019, 12:05 PM   #65
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I'm reading. I'm not great at reviewing things but I do like your writing and will continue reading. I hope it's a useful outlet for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-09-2019, 12:48 PM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
I'm reading. I'm not great at reviewing things but I do like your writing and will continue reading. I hope it's a useful outlet for you.
thanks! and yeah it's probably one of the more fun outlets i have. i genuinely enjoy writing the random junk that i do, but i get sick of it after a while and move onto other stuff for a bit. most poems i write are done within like 5 - 15 minutes of starting, if i have to actually think of things to write they get kind of ... awkward? over-complicated? idk but yeah i hope you enjoy and stuff

random question since i don't get to talk often about it, but are those small-text things i do at the end of some of my posts enjoyable? i always feel like when i read something other people have written, i want a look into what they themselves were thinking when they wrote it. so i just ended up writing out my thoughts and adding song links if i was listening to something while writing. like looking back there's this pretty funny scenario on page 3 where i left a note saying that my poem topics feel repetitive, then the next post i made a poem called repetitive lmao.

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Old 15-09-2019, 12:58 PM   #67
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I like the small-text.

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Old 15-09-2019, 02:09 PM   #68
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I also like the small text parts.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-09-2019, 05:29 PM   #69
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take me to another day
where the sky is not as grey
where there's not a drop of rain
when my body's not in pain

take me to another day
maybe back to early may
maybe some day up in june
just take me far away soon

take me to another day
don't know if i'll find a way
don't know if it's help i need
or another day to bleed

take me to another day
yesterday's not here to stay
yesterday's not coming back
make tomorrow fade to black

just take me to another day
so that i forget today


---


im sick and its effort to think
feel like crap write like crap
wish i could sleep

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Old 19-09-2019, 12:21 PM   #70
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3:35am
Drowning in seas of things I can't see
Hopes and dreams are suffocating me
My chest can't hold, there's not air to breathe
So I start to choke, I start to heave

As hidden depths pull me down to sleep


---


i had a dream that felt really good
to my everlasting disappointment, i couldn't fall back into it
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Old 20-09-2019, 06:15 PM   #71
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scary fairy tear-y tear-y
tears apart a blue canary
served up on a silver platter
baby blue stained in blood splatter
feathers pulled for decoration
wings snapped up in mutilation
she sprinkled it with fairy dust
made of sulfur and powdered rust
then drizzled it pain-filled tears
with a side of childhood fears
her dish all done, she had a munch
and that's how fairies have their lunch


---


no obvious drug use took place during the creation of this travesty
i always loved the faeries in the dresden files series
if you know anything about that series you'll see that the poem isn't far off
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Old 22-09-2019, 10:56 AM   #72
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I'm standing on this tepid shore
The sand made from eroded rust
And dirt and broken glass and dust

As the endless tide crawls up more
My feet get wet and red with blood
The sand around me turns to mud

To my knees, I can't see the floor
The rising sea red red red red
As if the ground itself had bled

Red rain starts to drip drop and pour
Ice cold, a shock goes through me fast
My curled toes get cut up by glass

Waves in the distance look like gore
Bits and bobs and red red rising
The smell of death unsurprising

They're coming closer than before
These waves will drown me, drown me, drown
I squeeze my eyes, hold my breath down

The sea takes me without a sound


---



idk wtf this is or what im trying to say
but there's some weird style consistency ive had the last few poems
i cant really tell what though
don't look too deep, it's gibberish i came up with in 5 mins while listening to the chrono cross ost
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