everything keeps going wrong.

[Auror.]

At first the death did occur less often, but it never entirely stopped. Now it seems to be back to occurring more often. Usually with t it is supposed to stop within the first month or two. My old hrt human was confused why it had not stopped and they were a medical human!

Case manage human never replied and they do not work weekends. Unsure about if someone else was with me. I guess if it was someone I trusted yes. But there is nobody who could do that. L says that our case manager human would not say to do something unsafe but I am not entirely sure that is accurate given they have said to do unsafe things in the past. I want them to still be our human. But I do not think going alone is safe. Unsure if going with my dog would be safer or not but they did not say that she could come and I do not want to break their rules.

Weekends are hard even though they are pony days. My dog seems okay from the vet at least. But the time change has really thrown me off.

[one_step_closer]

Isn't your dog there in the first place for things that you find difficult? I don't think your case manager would intentionally ask you to do something that is unsafe, and I think it would be safe to meet with the therapist alone but feeling scared and uncomfortable about that is understandable.

[Auror.]

Yes, my dog is there to help. But I do not want to put her in a situation that is unsafe!

They emailed. They said it was okay for my dog to come and they think going is important. I am not okay with this. It does not sound safe to me at all.

[one_step_closer]

What makes it sound unsafe? Are there any ways to make it safer?

[Pi.R^2]

I would echo the questions above. Also, what unsafe things has your case manager suggested you do in the past? I think you said they had done, if I'm reading it correctly?

[Auror.]

Unsure how to make it safer. Strange humans plus creepy place plus do not want anything bad to occur to my dog and do not want to hurt anyone and do not want to panic or have a meltdown or lose time in front of a strange human and cannot guarantee talking will work.

Case manager human wanted us to drive to a strange place that was far away to see a new medical human very early in the morning. Told them it was unsafe for me to do that. They talked to L. Then they said they agreed it was unsafe.

Also the first time we met the case manager human on our own they took us to the place where I used to work that I had not been since the day I quit multiple years ago. I got recognized and dead named the minute we walked in. They said they were sorry and they did not know and we would not have to go back there again.

[one_step_closer]

Did you come to an alternative arrangement?

[Auror.]

No. Case manager human says it sounds like I lost time but that we did go and that we did not hurt anyone. I think I need to be dead.

[one_step_closer]

I don't think you need to be dead, why does it feel like a need to you? I'm glad you made it to the appointment ok even if you lost time. Is there a plan for a further appointment, do you know?

[Auror.]

I hate losing time. I hate not knowing what occurred. Especially in front of a strange human. Time is not making any sense. I am tired of things being hard and overwhelming and not remembering.

They did not say anything about more appointments.

[one_step_closer]

Yeah, that does sound so scary and overwhelming. You are fighting so hard right now. Is your case manager a stable/consistent kind of support for you at the moment?

[Auror.]

They are being super nice and we seem to be seeing them a lot and they are replying to emails at least. We are very grateful. They came to our apartment yesterday. They said time might not be making sense because the time changed and that on top of losing time might be making things confusing. We told them about the first bad date which is soon but they said they do not work that day and just try not to be dead which is not helpful. They have so many rules and so many things that are not allowed and it is really overwhelming and it is not making anything go away. We are really glad they are being so nice.

[one_step_closer]

Do you know what would be helpful, if being told don't work that day and try not to be dead isn't helpful? I'm glad that they are being supportive of you and seeing you/replying to your emails.

[Auror.]

I don't know. Having so many rules and things that are not allowed is really overwhelming in itself and is making me feel trapped. I also get that they are allowed to have days off. I don't know. They were nice this morning and helped figure out getting out of bed to do the things that need done. But then did not reply to my asking what is going on next week.

[one_step_closer]

Are you finding you're needing a lot of reassurance and guidance from them at the moment? Where else could you get your reassurance and guidance if they're not available? (Including how could you get it from yourself if possible?)

[Auror.]

They said to reach out to L if I need support until they are back on Tuesday. Otherwise I am supposed to snuggle with my dog and spend time with her.

Not okay. My mom keeps bringing up the date and wanting things.

[one_step_closer]

Does your Mom know how these things affect you? Do you have things you can occupy yourself with to get through to Tuesday?

[Auror.]

My mom should know given I have told her every year previously not to do that and I find it upsetting. I ended up getting last minute work stuff for Monday which is not ideal and not a client I love but it is also money so I could not turn it down.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry your Mom doesn't seem to be very sensitive about how things are for you. Will you be ok to do the work stuff? I hope you can do something nice for yourself too.

[Auror.]

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who replied and gave hugs and kindness and support. I'm either going to close or delete this thread, currently undecided which but until I decide I've put in a request for the thread to be closed. Until the mods can close it, please do not reply further and clog the boards.

Thanks <333333