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Old 13-10-2019, 09:03 PM   #1
CaptainB2
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
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Iíve Officially Given Up

I am who I am and itís time for me to stop pretending. Iím a screwup, Iím a failure, Iím a former drug addict who canít do anything right. Iím unloved but I deserve to be unloved. I just screwed up another potential relationship with a woman I would go to the end of the world for. Sheíll never know just how far I would go to make her happy as she walks away with another guy. Then again, I donít blame her. I kept pretending to be something better than I was around her and I think she saw through that.I never even got to tell her how I really felt about her. Iíve never felt this heartbroken and thatís really saying something coming for me and knowing my history!

Now, itís time to go back to doing the one at thing I was ever good at, self-destruction. Time to start drinking heavily again. Iím thinking of going back on drugs. Because at this point, why not?! Hell, thereís so many I never even tried before I got clean.
Time to stop worrying about nutritional health and eat and drink whatever I want. This isnít a suicide note. Iím not going to kill myself. But Iím also not going to take care of myself anymore and let nature run its course. Iím simply going to enjoy all the indulgences life has to offer with what little time I have left on this earth. Itís all I deserve. Itís all Iíve ever been good at. Iím doing the world a favor.

I simply canít take this pain anymore! Sure, you can tell me things will get better. Then inevitably Iíll be right back where I started. Iíll feel this pain again. I canít keep doing this. I canít keep repeating this pattern. I donít ever want to feel like I feel right now.

I recently went on a paranormal investigation with the girl Iím in pain over right now. Iíve seen and heard so much evidence... of a world beyond ours and Iím so tempted to leave this mortal world and join that one. Knowing that there is an afterlife makes dying that much more appealing. Iíll never have to worry about anything again.

But I promised people I wouldnít kill myself after being talked off the ledge four times in 2018. So self-destructive behavior it is and Iíll let nature take care of things for me




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 14-10-2019, 07:40 AM   #2
CaptainB2
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
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Their relationship is now official. I’m seven shots of vodka deep and I’m about to start seeing what pills are in my medicine cabinet just to see what happens. Maybe this will all end tonight!

EDIT: I did NOT resort to pills! Not that I have anything in my medicine cabinet anyway besides OTC pain relievers and Pepto Bismol. I just drank the remainder of the alcohol I had. I promised I wouldn’t attempt suicide and resorting to pills would be breaking that promise. I just got drunk and went to sleep.


Last edited by CaptainB2 : 14-10-2019 at 02:55 PM. Reason: Added for clarification



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 14-10-2019, 03:17 PM   #3
one_step_closer
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

It sounds like yesterday was really intense for you, and I'm glad you managed to get through it without overdosing. How are you feeling now? Is there something you can do differently if you feel awful again to hopefully feel at least a bit better and shorten the time your distress is around for?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-10-2019, 04:40 PM   #4
CaptainB2
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Location: DC area
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I’m not feeling any better today but for the moment life must go on. I’m gonna go to work in a few hours then I’m gonna drink tonight until I can no longer feel the pain and am able to sleep. It’s the only option I have at this point.




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 14-10-2019, 05:41 PM   #5
one_step_closer
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I'm sorry you feel that's your only option right now. I hope things get better for you soon.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-10-2019, 05:43 PM   #6
CaptainB2
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
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Well, I’m glad you have hope because like I said, I’ve officially given up.




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 14-10-2019, 05:45 PM   #7
one_step_closer
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Maybe it feels like that right now, I understand what it's like to reach breaking point. It is possible for things to turn themselves around though. I will hold on to hope for you while you can't. If you can think of anything safe that might help then please try it. Keep posting here if it's useful.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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