So I made a decision a few weeks ago that I would not get any treatment for self harm because I feel so angry at myself for self harming. I told myself that I will never see my dr again and now I'm intentionally making myself sick just so I can refuse treatment for myself. I need to function as a Mum but I'm lying on the couch too sick to move for a week. Any advice please?
I'm sorry you're feeling so awful and not managing to show yourself some compassion. How would you feel if it was your children who needed help and were refusing it? Self harm is a coping mechanism, not something you should be angry with yourself for turning to but I do understand your negative feelings towards yourself. Why do you feel you need to be punished in this way? Is there a way that you could work towards not self harming? That way you wouldn't have that reason to feel angry with yourself. I hope you can find a way through this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
I have been working on not self harming but feel like I can't control it. The one thing I can control is refusing treatment and because it feels like it's my decision it makes me feel good. I know that punishing myself for self harm with self harm doesn't really make sense.
I honestly think the only sensible advice is that you need to get yourself back to your doctor. You want to fuction as a mother but you won't be able to manage that if you continue to make yourself sick. We all know self harm only spirals further so unless you reach out for help it will get worse and your children will be affected by it as well. Could you do it for them?