my father died and i dont feel i have the right to grieve *update*

[pea soup]

this is posted in vets also....not verbatim...but similar.

my problem is that my father was my abuser. he sexually and physically abused me for years.

he has been very sick for a long time. he had been doing well for the past few months and then they found him monday morning.

i feel very sad...almost numb...and i dont feel i have the right.

we never came to a closure.
i dont even know if he knew that i loved him.

im just wondering if any of you guys have had a similar situation where your abuser died and you felt you didnt have a right to grieve.

because im really hurting and i feel guilty for it. maybe im grieving for what i never had. i dont know.

thank you.
much love.
xx

[x-dying-inside-x]

im so sorry hunny.
of course you can grive everyone grives when they lose someone even i hey hated them.
ive not been in a similar situation bt if you want t talk you know where i am.
take care
xxxxxx

[pea soup]

oh god...

i dont think i can dso this anymore.
been pumping myself full of pills just to feel numb.
im so scared and abgry and confused.
i needed more time with him damnit!!!

WE COULD HAVE WORKED THINGS OUT...JUST A LITTLE MORE TIME.

when we viewed his body...i kissed his cheek and it wasa sooo cold.
i have his ashes now.
he wanted to be cremated.

i just want one more day to make things right.
but i cant have that!!!!

im so fuzzy headed and just...just distraught.

[Blue Iris]

Dear Apple,

I feel funny writing to you because I'm new to RYL. I use to cut, haven't in a while, but there is always that option... I starting looking around the site and have seen your posts. What you are going though right now is breaking my heart.

I know you don't know me, but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Death is such a hard and difficult thing, especially when you have a screwed up relationship. And your father too. No matter what he did to you I know you loved him. You can't help but love your father and want him to love and cherish and protect you. That is what a father should do. But that doesn't always happen, because we are human. We all have good and bad within us. There is good and bad all around us. That is one of the hard things about life...how can there be love and hate, good and bad?

Your father is now somewhere where all of these questions are answered, and where he must accept his life and what he did with it. I really believe he can now see how much he hurt you and why he did what he did.

I hope he is looking down on you with the wonderful love a father should have for this little girl, his flesh and blood, his daugther. A pure love. And that all the horrible things he did to you are gone. I hope he has been released from those demons. For you know he did love you. He was just sick. Any father who would do what he did to you is. But now he is free from that.

And I hope that you too will find a new peace. Forgive your father and yourself. Be good to yourself. Life is full of pain...and joy. Find the joy.

I still have my torments...I am a little older that you...does that make me way old??? ; ) ...but I am doing so much better now than I use to.

Try to focus on the good memories with your dad. Try to focus on the good things in your life. Try to let yourself breathe. Just in and out.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I have been reading your posts for the last few days. I finally had to write you and let you know that I am keeping you in my thoughts.

You have my sincere condolences for your loss.

Please take care. It sounds like you have many people who love you. And a son who I'm sure adores you. And you have a gift for writing. You have so much. You even have complete strangers sending you mental hugs!

Blue Iris

[pea soup]

thank you so much for your kind words.
they have helped to comfort me.
i hope we dont have to be strangers anymore.
please feel free to pm me anytime.

by the way Iris was my great grandmother's name. and ive always thought it was beautiful.
much love.
xx

[Tears and Rain]

I haven't been in a similar situation but in the sense of losing someone you had a "bad" relationship with I can. It's hard to know whether you should grieve or not, whether you should feel relief rather than grief, or grief for the years you "wasted" and such like. I guess it's hard to come to terms in your head as to what your grieving for sometimes but one thing i do know is that there's no "should or shouldn't" or "right to" grieve for anyone.
Everyone deals with death in their own way and grieves in their own way too. I can't really put into words what I want to say so forgive me if I ramble too much.
I'm sure your father knew you loved him though..it's always a worry..when someone dies that they didn't know all of these things..but [depending on your own beliefs obviously] I believe that he is somewhere now where he does know that. And he can also see how he hurt you, and affected your life, and how he lived his life in one of the most horrible ways possible. But he'll see and he'll know...I don't want to go into saying too much about that though..It's your life you have to concentrate on now.
Witht he range of emotions you'll feel at the moment, i'm sure confusion as to what you're feeling will be high up there, but you don't have to understand your emotions to feel them. You just draw them through y'know? Work you way through your head one by one...And sometime in the future, however near or far you will do so. And you'll come to the point within yourself that you understand in yourself why you might feel like you do. Why you grieve. And why now you need to concentrate on yourself and your own emotions...
I'm sorry i've rambled so much..my train of thought went 'aywal'...4:30am trying to write properly. Hm. Apologies. I hope it makes some sense though..Take care of yourself hun xx

[one_step_closer]

How are things for you now? I'm thinking about you, please get in touch any time. Take care. xxx

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

*hugs so tight*

I dont have the words right now hun, but i want you to know that i care and am so sorry.

xx <3 helen

[pea soup]

thank you everyone....

i wish i could say im feeling better. but im really depressed. ive taken too much of my meds the past week and am going to run out. im scared. ive spoken to my psychologist but my med doc isnt back until the 29th. so....im going to have to go without my meds for a while.

overall i just feel suffocatingly depressed. ive been in bed alot...just lying there. i have no energy.

i know it will take time. im just trying to hold on the best way i can. i dont want to drink or do any drugs. i dont want a relapse. however..i did cut twice...and have stitches in both arms. i had been free for 2 months.

so...im just starting over again.

love to all and thanks again.
xx