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Old 18-09-2011, 08:02 PM   #1
JaimeIsBroken
The Unfair Fight
 
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Contains sexual abuse - Ramblings Of An Emotional Wreak

I sit here pondering the thought of explaining more about what happed to me during those twenty three hours that bastard kept me as his play thing in his van. I'm not sure I can do it right now. I have all of these irrational fears that if I do tell more of what happened it will somehow become true, which doesn't make sense because I know they are true, I know they happened. I also have the irrational fear of people thinking I am lying or exaggerating in order to gain some sort of sympathy.

Nearly everything I read, and advice I get from others tell me that talking about what happened is part of the healing path, but how do I walk a path that takes me back into his van. How do I tell people about all the shameful things he did to me? How do I possible explain that in many ways I am still trapped in that van helpless and vulnerable, staring at a wolf gnashing his teeth at me to intimidate me into silent submission? How can I explain that his actions which are so clearly premeditated in nature were unknown to me before this happened? How do I explain that after several hours I gave up fighting and just catatonically let him use my body?

I try so hard to be strong, but I am falling apart on the inside. He took something from me and I'm not even sure how to define what he took. He didn't take it once, he took it over and over and when he got tired he sat down and relaxed while I suffered the humiliation of being naked and on display like I was one of his trophies. I'm laying there unable to get free and he's eating soup out of a can like he's on a camping trip. He would steal a part of me and laugh about it and hold his knife to my throat and make me thank him for hurting me. After about 10 hours I stopped thanking him when he put the knife against my throat. So he put the knife against other places and I and I had no choice but to tell him how wonderful he made me feel by hurting me.

It's all just so shameful, and I want to find a deep hole to crawl into and hide. Again I know how irrational this guilt and shame is. I know I have nothing to be ashamed about, but it hurts. I see him when I close my eyes, I feel him when I am touched, I smell him if I breathe through my nose. It's not fair that he gets to hurt me in my dreams. GOD, didn't he hurt me enough? What did I do to deserve this? I know that's another irrational question.



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Old 18-09-2011, 09:34 PM   #2
damagedsurvivor
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaime*Is*Broken View Post
I sit here pondering the thought of explaining more about what happed to me during those twenty three hours that bastard kept me as his play thing in his van. I'm not sure I can do it right now. I have all of these irrational fears that if I do tell more of what happened it will somehow become true, which doesn't make sense because I know they are true, I know they happened. I also have the irrational fear of people thinking I am lying or exaggerating in order to gain some sort of sympathy.
First of all don't tell anymore until you are ready. You know you can tell me if you want but only when you are ready. You were here for me when I told you what happened to me. Yes it brought up a lot and now I'm angry with myself but not because I told you. I'm mad because I never did anything when he hurt me the first time. I hate myself right now. In fact I haven't eaten at all today. I don't want to.

I completely understand those fears I felt the same too last night. That's why I didn't tell you until this morning. If someone thinks you are lying or looking for sympathy than that's their problem. You and I know it happened so don't worry about what others think, plus why would someone make up something like this. That's just so completely wrong on so many levels.


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Originally Posted by Jaime*Is*Broken View Post
Nearly everything I read, and advice I get from others tell me that talking about what happened is part of the healing path, but how do I walk a path that takes me back into his van. How do I tell people about all the shameful things he did to me? How do I possible explain that in many ways I am still trapped in that van helpless and vulnerable, staring at a wolf gnashing his teeth at me to intimidate me into silent submission? How can I explain that his actions which are so clearly premeditated in nature were unknown to me before this happened? How do I explain that after several hours I gave up fighting and just catatonically let him use my body?
I know it's not gonna be easy and you don't have to go into grave detail but it will help. You don't need this bottled up inside. It will hurt you if you don't talk about it, but again when you are ready. Just keep writing it down for now. Do you not think I still feel like I'm still in that dark alley fighting for my life. I couldn't sleep because that's where I felt I was and I still do. As for giving up I completely understand that too because I did the same.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaime*Is*Broken View Post
I try so hard to be strong, but I am falling apart on the inside. He took something from me and I'm not even sure how to define what he took. He didn't take it once, he took it over and over and when he got tired he sat down and relaxed while I suffered the humiliation of being naked and on display like I was one of his trophies. I'm laying there unable to get free and he's eating soup out of a can like he's on a camping trip. He would steal a part of me and laugh about it and hold his knife to my throat and make me thank him for hurting me. After about 10 hours I stopped thanking him when he put the knife against my throat. So he put the knife against other places and I and I had no choice but to tell him how wonderful he made me feel by hurting me.
I know it's hard to be strong and I'm falling apart too. I don't want to but I can't help it. He took so much from you including your dignity. He enjoyed humiliating you. He got off on it. Please don't feel like you did something wrong by having to thank him and telling him how wonderful he made you feel. You had no control over that especially with that knife near your throat. No one ever does and I know I didn't either. It's so weird but I can still feel the knife and the bat.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaime*Is*Broken View Post
It's all just so shameful, and I want to find a deep hole to crawl into and hide. Again I know how irrational this guilt and shame is. I know I have nothing to be ashamed about, but it hurts. I see him when I close my eyes, I feel him when I am touched, I smell him if I breathe through my nose. It's not fair that he gets to hurt me in my dreams. GOD, didn't he hurt me enough? What did I do to deserve this? I know that's another irrational question.
Perfectly understandable you can join me in my hole it's plenty big enough. I know it hurts, believe me do I know but you can't let him win. You need to keep fighting even if it's really hard for you. We can do this together. ((((((((HHHHHUUUUUGGGGGSSSSS)))))



Libz (DriftedAway), Katie (Heaven Knows) and Sammy (StuckInReverse) are my daughters, Jo (On Edge) Savannah (#skittles#) and are my lil' sisters


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Old 19-09-2011, 07:09 AM   #3
JaimeIsBroken
The Unfair Fight
 
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Thanks Kathy for replying. I't nice to know someone cares.



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Old 19-09-2011, 04:58 PM   #4
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Jaime I will always care. You have been through so much and I'm glad to be here for you. I wish I had answers for the smell part when you breathe through your nose but I kinda have that problem too and when I breathe through my mouth all I taste is whatever they shoved in there before the tape. I can't describe it. But I care hun I really do.



Libz (DriftedAway), Katie (Heaven Knows) and Sammy (StuckInReverse) are my daughters, Jo (On Edge) Savannah (#skittles#) and are my lil' sisters


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Old 19-09-2011, 06:21 PM   #5
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oh sweetie please please dont feel ashamed or disgusted none of this is your fault, but i do know how your feeling i really do. ive not got many words just now but wanted to leave you cuddles hope thats ok.
keep fighting sweetie.

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Old 19-09-2011, 11:18 PM   #6
JaimeIsBroken
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oh sweetie please please dont feel ashamed or disgusted none of this is your fault, but i do know how your feeling i really do. ive not got many words just now but wanted to leave you cuddles hope thats ok.
keep fighting sweetie.
ok



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Old 19-09-2011, 11:40 PM   #7
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Awww don't cry Jaime you cry and so will I



Libz (DriftedAway), Katie (Heaven Knows) and Sammy (StuckInReverse) are my daughters, Jo (On Edge) Savannah (#skittles#) and are my lil' sisters


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Old 20-09-2011, 09:34 AM   #8
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i didnt mean to make you cry sweetie, im sorry *hugs*

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Old 20-09-2011, 05:27 PM   #9
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It's ok Jo she's just going through a lot just like you are and there's nothing like a good cry

*****HUGS to you both*****



Libz (DriftedAway), Katie (Heaven Knows) and Sammy (StuckInReverse) are my daughters, Jo (On Edge) Savannah (#skittles#) and are my lil' sisters


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Old 20-09-2011, 09:10 PM   #10
JaimeIsBroken
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i didnt mean to make you cry sweetie, im sorry *hugs*
You didn't make me cry. It's everything else.



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Old 22-09-2011, 02:46 AM   #11
bluelillies
 
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I know it's hard when people say that "it's not your fault" because, as much as you know it's true, it's sometimes hard to accept that it's not. No matter how many times you are told that it's not your fault and there is nothing to be ashamed of, that thought still lingers through you.

So I'm not going to tell you that.

What I am going to tell you is this: learn to love yourself. You might be broken now but if you can find a way to truly forgive yourself, to realise that you're a beautiful person and that you are worthy, you might find yourself less ashamed. Someone once told me that and it helps. What I went through is miniscule compared with what you did, but abuse is abuse and no one ever deserves it. No one. Including you. Try to understand that.

I'm here if you want to PM me about anything.

Hugs!



hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while I was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain
still remains within the sound of silence


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Old 22-09-2011, 03:16 AM   #12
JaimeIsBroken
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I know it's hard when people say that "it's not your fault" because, as much as you know it's true, it's sometimes hard to accept that it's not. No matter how many times you are told that it's not your fault and there is nothing to be ashamed of, that thought still lingers through you.

So I'm not going to tell you that.
I don't know if it's as much hard as it is just this thought in the back of my head that when people tell me it's not my fault they are really thinking, "why did she get into that van"? Also thinking I am stupid for doing that. You are right it still seems to linger on. Although I feel very ashamed I feel more embarrassed that I let myself get into that situation, and that I wasn't smart enough or observant enough to see the warning signs ahead of time.

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Originally Posted by bluelillies View Post
What I am going to tell you is this: learn to love yourself. You might be broken now but if you can find a way to truly forgive yourself, to realise that you're a beautiful person and that you are worthy, you might find yourself less ashamed. Someone once told me that and it helps. What I went through is miniscule compared with what you did, but abuse is abuse and no one ever deserves it. No one. Including you. Try to understand that.

I'm here if you want to PM me about anything.

Hugs!
I love myself, but I don't like myself too much. Forgiving myself for the mistakes I feel I have made is easier said then done. I will try though. I'm glad it helped you.

One more thing I have noticed with others is that there seems to be this need to make a comparison between one persons attack and their own. Like you said, "abuse is abuse". Stuff like this simply can't be compared to one another because abuse is so very personal in nature. Where someone may not have a very supportive family structure, others may have a very supportive one. I am blessed to have so many people willing to help me.

Thank you so much for the PM invite. It means a lot, and thanks for the hug.



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