Forgiveness?

Twisted Fate · 10-02-2009, 02:47 AM

Has anyone been able to forgive their abusers? Is it even worth it? Sometimes I feel the only way to get over what happened is to forgive but I don't really know how to. I don't know how to forgive my friend's dad for what he did to her. I don't know how to forgive the guy who bullied me. I don't know how to forgive my other friend's dad for abusing her. I mean how to do you forgive something as bad as rape? I want to forgive them and move on but I really don't know how.

Spoons · 10-02-2009, 03:13 AM

i dont know to be honest. this is probably coming from the wrong person, but i will never forgive the people who have hurt me, im not even thinking about working on forgiveness, they do not deserve my forgiveness and they will not get it.

i plan however to try to work through what has happened, so it gets easier.

but i will never really forget but hopefully it wont be on my mind as much but i will NEVER forgive them, i dont see or feel the need to.

hmmm that sounds abit arghhhhh, forgive me
take care x

troubleshooter · 10-02-2009, 04:14 AM

I think you should only forgive abusers if it will help you let go. If you're feeling so much emotional turmoil from holding into it you need to let go, but if you can go about your life most of the time without thinking about them, they often don't deserve to be forgiven.

Twisted Fate · 10-02-2009, 04:30 AM

I know they don't deserve it. Never thought they did. I just think it would help me to get over some of the things that happened. Make peace with myself and move on.

troubleshooter · 10-02-2009, 04:41 AM

Then I think it would be best for you to forgive. Sometimes harboring hate over things like that is just hurting you.

charlieglasgow · 10-02-2009, 05:09 AM

hmm this is a hard one. i'm working through it right now. sometimes i wonder why the victim of the abuse has to do all of the hard work just to survive, and the abuser gets off easy.

ghosts in the machine · 10-02-2009, 12:03 PM

I've not forgiven my abuser. And I don't think I will either; he doesn't deserve it, and I don't see how it would help. "It's your fault I'm this screwed up, but it's okay, I forgive you!" Feels to me like it's minimising what I went through.

Twisted Fate · 10-02-2009, 05:11 PM

I don't like living with all this anger and hate. I don't know what to do or how to forgive or even if it's possible.

popcorn · 10-02-2009, 05:28 PM

Something that is big in DBT (a kind of therapy) is holding onto opposing beliefs in your head. I understand that you don't want to forgive something that was awful and had a huge impact (especially when it doesn't seem like the offender has taken steps to acknowledge what they did and try to repent). But, you also don't want to be stuck in anger and negativity and unable to move on or see anything but the horrible stuff, or feel anything but anger.

So I feel like the 'DBT' answer would be to try to hold on to both ideas-- that these people did rotten, unforgiveable, damaging stuff, *and* that it's best for you to let go of the negative emotions and focus on moving on.

Does that make any sense at all?

shadow-light · 10-02-2009, 06:01 PM

I'm not sure i'll ever "forgive" the person who hurt me... however, I do no longer hate them... but in my case this person was unwell, he had a drug problem and mental health issues, and although I doubt these things caused him to do what he did they can't have helped... but even so I still blaime him not the drugs, but I think that knowing he was ill like this has made part of me feel sorry for him and made it easier for me to let go of the hatred... but I still think it would have been possible anyway eventually

I'm not sure full forgivness is possible, but you can let go of the hate and anger eventually. just takes time

linder surprise · 10-02-2009, 10:45 PM

i have forgiven to a large extent.
sometimes i still get angry/upset but for the most part i have forgiven that person (even though i still feel as if they don't deserve it). it's not about them though, it's about me. i needed to forgive in order to help myself get over it. if i stayed angry the anger would have only lead to more self-hate and i think well in my case forgiveness was the key in moving on with the rest of my life. it meant that my abuse didn't feel like a burden to my emotional wellbeing anymore.

Horizon · 11-02-2009, 05:36 AM

I have mostly forgiven my abuser. Mostly I feel sorry for him that he was so screwed up in the head he felt he could rape someone. The anger is pretty much gone.