Instead of using an app on your phone you can just delete, I think it would be better if you had a physical alarm. So you could plug it in on the landing or something so that when it goes off you have to get up to turn it off. Or buy one of those alarms that when they go off they fly across the room or something. Or buy a few cheap alarms and put them in a few different places, set to go off 15 minutes after each other so you'd have to get up each time to turn them off.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Thank you both. I put my phone away from my bed so I have to get up to delete it or change it. The app really was helping by making me have to wake up a bit by doing puzzles and then going downstairs to take a photo of a barcode. I can't see the digital alarm I have in my bedroom (silly eyes!) so I might try and move it downstairs. It's so easy just to go back to bed though. My mood is very low and I am lacking in motivation to do pretty much anything. I didn't make it to the gym group today. There is not enough good in my life to justify living, only potentially enough bad could come to my brother to make me feel like I need to hold on for him. I really think I would kill myself if I could be sure of a method though. But I'm trying to hold on. I always try.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Would planning something in the afternoon be more attainable? Can you go to the gym then? Or even just go for a coffee? That’s what I sometimes try to do, but I make it the afternoon. I find it helpful and it’s also a nice treat.
Thanks. The gym group is at 1pm which should be easily attainable, it makes me feel like I am absolutely ridiculous and out of order for not even managing to make it out of bed in time for that. Once I'm up there's not a lot of daylight time left so I feel like it's too late to be doing things and I usually just end up picking up my prescription, going to the shop, and coming home for the rest of the short evening before I'm back in bed. I try to go to bed earlyish every night in the hope that I will get up early in the morning, I worry if I stay up later I'll get up even later or won't get up at all for 30 odd hours like I used to do.
My support worker and support assistant are coming to see me tomorrow evening to review my plan which has finished now (individual support to go to the gym then starting the gym group). I think I'm going to say I don't want to go to the gym group until I get my sleeping pattern sorted again if it's even possible to get it sorted again. As much as I want to die I'm also terrified about the amount of my life I'm wasting and can't get back. I feel quite powerless and also pathetic because I surely should be able to do the simple things that other people do especially since I was managing to get up every morning for a period of time. I must just be hugely lazy.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Just had a phone call from my (old) CPN saying she has double booked the appointment she arranged with me and my new CPN is off sick this week so I won't be able to see anyone until next week. It's been hard enough having the previous week without support. On top of this my (old) CPN has a lot of time off this week so if I needed to phone her she'd likely not be available. She said I can phone extended hours if I need to but I would only phone them if I was in a major crisis, I couldn't phone them to try and prevent a crisis. Feeling really alone. I was holding on for my appointment this week. I need to stop holding on anyway. It's about time I was dead.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks. I tried to phone the crisis team tonight but someone answered who I don't feel able to talk to. I cut a code into my arm last night, the code that the men told me to write down and bury in the garden (have mentioned this code on here before but I don't want to say again what its purpose is), I thought it might have more effect if I cut it into myself. Not sure how long it will take. I'm more convinced that it isn't going to work but I had to do it just in case. I am powerless to help my brother in human ways. The things I'm doing for him aren't helping in the slightest. Maybe the men can guide me but I think I'd need to go to the bridge to talk to them properly and there are just so many practical issues about that which make it scary to do. If only I had never been born. If only my twin had survived instead of me, I know she would have been able to take better care of everyone. My Mum wouldn't have turned to alcohol and she'd be alive right now along with my healthy and happy brother. The wrong twin was chosen to live. Maybe the solution is for me to kill myself, it could reset everything. I don't know what percentage of reality I exist in. I need to figure it out and the consequences of that. I need to find a sure suicide method because a botched suicide will hurt my brother more than if I get it right.
I can't keep facing up to my pain multiple times a day. I can't see a practical way of coping or easing my emotional distress. The self harm that I am able to tolerate isn't enough to give me any relief. Suicide seems easy to achieve for lots of other people, Chester Bennington for one. If he can do it so can I. I just don't think I'd have enough luck to get it right.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You have every right to be alive and I am glad that you are. Keep fighting. Could you try phoning crisis again, see if you get to speak to someone else? What about the samaritans or breathing space? This all sounds very distressing and you need the help right now.
Thanks. The person who answered when I phoned crisis takes most of the calls when she's on and I don't feel able to ask to talk to whoever else is on because that might offend her. I was thinking about phoning Breathing Space. I've been looking at their website for a while putting off phoning them. It's too hard to talk. I only really want to talk to someone who knows me and who doesn't judge me. I can't cope any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I didn't phone anyone. It's too anxiety provoking to speak on the phone. I got out of bed in the afternoon so I've wasted most of my day. I'm feeling quite on edge. Think I saw one of the police officers who recently took me to A&E in Tesco. I wish I was seeing my CPN tomorrow. I wish my CPN wasn't transferring me. I need someone who can reassure me. Everyone good in my life is leaving or has already left. I don't need friends or family, I just need professionals. At least I don't have to hide things from professionals or worry too much about how what I say might affect them. It's becoming more and more difficult to deal with life and I have limited means of reaching out to people. I need more face to face supportive contact. I need to die, that's what it all comes down to. This is not living and it's more living than a lot of people do. I don't have the skills to live as a human. I am not fully human anyway so how am I supposed to thrive in this environment? I don't know if my human heart has been taken away, the men were due to operate when I was in hospital in April but I don't know if it was successful because the nurses didn't follow the after operation procedure to let me disappear fully.
I don't want to come back to this day after day. I don't know how long I potentially have to naturally live for but I think it's going to be too much to deal with. Passing time just makes things harder, I'm losing strength and will to carry on. I may as well try to kill myself in whatever way I think is the most likely to be successful. If I get it wrong I may be trapped in a body physically unable to do anything for myself but many people get suicide right, hopefully I will be one of those people.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sorry. I really need some help to try and get through tonight. I managed to phone the crisis team and was lucky that my support worker answered so I was able to talk. He asked me to write something and phone my CPN/extended hours tomorrow. I feel utterly hopeless and like there is nothing that they can do to help but I'm trying so hard to hold on and give talking to them a go. It's just right now everything is way too extreme and I'm finding it hard to get through this moment and don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the night. A big part of me feels unable to hold on until tomorrow because I know that nothing can be done to help me and I just want to let go of life right now. I don't think I can phone NHS 24 or go to A&E no matter what state I get in because my CPN and psychiatrist get annoyed when I present to emergency services. If I phoned crisis and spoke to my support worker again he may tell me to go to A&E or something but I really don't want to be sitting in that stressful environment for hours. My life isn't worth saving. I only want to do the bare minimum to get through tonight and speak to my CPN/extended hours tomorrow and then get on with killing myself when they tell me they can't help. I'm trying so hard, for my brother. But I can't keep his image in my mind when the pain becomes too much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you. I phoned crisis again in the hope that my support worker would answer again but it was the person who I find least helpful. I tried to talk to her but have learned that I'm probably right to hang up when she answers. She just made me feel like an awful person and like I should be able to get through things easily. It's nearly time for me to go offline. I don't want to but I don't want to stay up later than usual because then I might get up even later tomorrow and miss my chance to phone my CPN. I'll just have to lie in bed panicking all night.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm really, really anxious. I phoned extended hours and a man answered but he was with someone. He said my CPN starts at 10.30 and he'll get her to phone me. I don't think any form of help is for the best. This feels like it needs to be my last day alive. I can't keep living this way. I don't know what my CPN will say. There's nothing anyone can do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN phoned and she and the other person who are on extended hours are coming to see me at about 1.45. She wasn't hearing my pain. This can't be resolved. I'm more sure than not that I will be able to attempt suicide in a way that should be likely to work or leave me physically disabled. My emotional pain is very strong and I can't cope with it any more. I don't even know how I'm going to get through the next hours until extended hours come and see me. I'm in too much pain to even hold on for my brother now. I don't want to keep having to find ways to tolerate the pain, it is absolutely close to unbearable right now. I don't know what to do other than to kill myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
