Never left to get better

[NExiste]

Long story short.

Male/34/Went through full AN and treatment/Left to 'get on with it'.

And I just cannot get over it. I'm married - children - work - no other 'worries' other than this damned damned ED. I feel so so guilty eating. Today, I made dinner for my wife and two children, and then I could not eat any of it because I felt that I do not deserve food.

I went through all this (discussion wise) when I was in treatment. But, this feeling of such dreadful low self-esteem will not leave me.

'NExiste' = My username = French for 'Does not exist'. That's how I feel. I believe that by not eating I get closer to that.

I am so so fed up being a slave to this. My family know that if they order a take-out to be delivered, that I will not eat it. (I do not deserve food that is ordered for other's benefit).

There are several boards here on recoveryoulife - I do not know where to start. Or if at all :(.

Anyway, I feel fractionally better for being able to vent a bit. I was so angry with myself cooking a great dinner for my family and then bailing out at the last minute :(

Pete :(

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Welcome to RYL!
First of all, you certainly should be posting for support, you deserve it & that's what we're here for!

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling with Anorexia, its such a dreadful illness & it really can strip you of everything. You're fighting it though! You're a warrior who will win this battle!

Try not to feel bad about not being able to eat the dinner, some days are more difficult than others & it's important to bear in mind that you will, one day, be able to eat what you like. I believe in you.

Is your partner supportive?, Perhaps you could both draw up a meal plan together? One that's a bit easier for you, still challenging & is something that everyone likes? You could then slowly build up to more scary foods with time?

You say you've been to treatment & now have no support?, Do you why that is? Can you contact your GP for a referral? It's unfair for you to be left without any support when recovering.

[Unbreakable.]

Maybe working on your self esteem would help with how you feel about deserving food.
Can you see a doctor and get referred to some specialist support?