So much from the past continues to be pulled up for me. I live with the past just waiting a trigger to pull me back into abuse. SI is a refuge away from all of that. Vicious circle.
Wondering that^^ as well as, is someone in your life now causing these things to be brought up?
Not sure...so will leave as this.
Pls talk more, if you feel able to, ok?
Thoughts are with you.
xx
This is one of the hardest times of year for me. Dealing with an abusive family at Christmas is tough. I end up with the gifts of guilt, remorse, responsibility for the happiness of others and feeling like a total failure. I shouldn't hate Christmas.
I try to make it a better time for myself, but it seems not to matter what I do. There were a few good things today. An email from a friend. A package from RYL.
I do what I can, but spend too much time alone. These past few days I have really been needing support but I am not very good at asking for it - or, for that matter, accepting it.
It is scary as hell to let the walls down/let ppl in; because you can't take it back once you do.
BUT, you can control who you open it all up to. To someone who doesn't know you, won't hurt you.
Do you have a care team or person of any sort?
Even a GP?
If not, would you consider reaching out for that?
I do know how hard it is, to reach out and have it basically blow up in your face, for the person to use it as 'emotional ammunition'.
But, I now know how much of a relief it is when you find the right person, who will help you...simply because you deserve it.
And, you do deserve it.
It takes time to realize/believe that, but it will happen.
Can you let us know us know how you are?
Thinking of you.
If I can be of any help, pls feel free to PM me ok?
Anytime.
xx
Very isolated right now. Feeling like I don't belong anywhere. That I don't fit in. I am here, but on the outside looking in... not understanding the light, the warmth, the laughter. It all pushes me away.