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New to this...
Hey there, I am new to this kinda thing so I don't really know what to do or where to start, or if this will even help me, but I need guidance. A year ago, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me, cut me out of her life entirely (facebook, xbox, wouldn't answer calls/texts, etc...) We talked about everything up until the end, even discussed our wedding plans, what song we would have at our wedding, what our kid's names would be, what kind of house we would have, etc... Everything. My birthday was in January which she came for but seemed distant, said she loved me, whatever - and about a week later she left me. I have talked to her about 3 times since then, which last for maybe a day or so, and then she starts ignoring me again. I also had to deal with the loss of my dog of 15 years, and had to make the decision to put her to sleep because she was so weak from not eating that she couldn't even stand. One night I was trying to feed her by hand, and she just slowly leaned onto her side and basically passed out and started sleeping and that was the realization I had and said out loud "Ruby, You're dying." I also am at a job I hate going to. Mon-Fri I wake up and just am miserable, and wishing it was Friday evening so I could be coming back home for the weekend. Saturday is ok, and then Sunday I start getting really upset again.. Even when it is the weekend or I have a day off, (which I try not to use all the time since I only have a certain number of them and I try talking myself out of calling out all the time), I feel not as happy as I once was. Like there is all of this pressure and I am just in a hole I can't climb out off. No matter how much I feel in pain and how much I want to scream I feel like I can't and have no voice. I just sort of suffer in silence and sometimes just walk around my room, looking at things or thinking of things and on the verge of tears. I don't know why I feel like this, and I don't know what to do to make myself be not as miserable. Full disclosure, I have thought since about a year ago, about suicide as well. It was more prevalent about 6 months ago, but now even though the feeling has faded it is still lingering in the back of my mind. I would think of like... what if I did this or what if I did that... And those thoughts scare me. I don't think I would ever do anything about them because I feel like I am too weak of a person to kill myself. And I also, having time to think about it, have thought what if I do kill myself and the feelings I had experienced are still there in the afterlife? Then I have all eternity to feel the way I have been so what is the point. Look, I know I am just rambling, but I don't know what to say and hoping something here is making sense to someone. Anyone. I feel like I have no where to run and nothing I can do seems to matter. I basically just sit at home and watch tv when I am at home. The other 80% of the time I am at work and miserable. But at the same time, being home doesn't really make me happy either. While I love being home not having to work, I still get into moods of feeling extremely depressed and feel like crying. A few days ago I actually had a dream where I dreamt I was playing with my dog like we used to, we would run around the house and I would chase her and she would chase me, and in my dream that happened. But one point I said out loud "Ruby, I'm sorry" as if in that moment I knew it wasnt a dream and I woke up. WHich was weird and I never had that happen before. I literally woke up 5 seconds later crying like the biggest baby in the world at 3 in the morning.
I don't know what else to write or how much detail I need to go into, but I am hoping someone can help me not to feel so worthless, depressed, and helpless. I know I am not okay, but I don't know what to do about it and seem to not be able to break out of my slump.
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