Welcome to The Suicide Information Package. This thread is here to give you a bit of a guide about suicidal thoughts and feelings, for either yourself or someone you know, to hopefully help you to understand things a little bit better. Also, to realise that you are not alone in what you are feeling.
After some basic questions and attitudes are cleared up, there are also some practical things here you can do regarding suicidal thoughts/feelings.
It seems quite long - so pick what you want and have a good look through.
Questions people often have regarding suicide include:
Don't forget speaking to other people is really important when you are suicidal, and can be easier if it is anonymous too. Always speak up about suicide - even if someone has told you "in secret" tell someone so everyone can get the support and help that they deserve.
If you have suggestions, feedback or have noticed an error within this thread please contact Aimee in Wonderland.
Thank you and I wish you all the best,
Aimee. x
Last edited by Snow White. : 07-04-2010 at 12:29 PM.
People feel suicidal for a lot of different reasons. The personal reasons you're feeling suicidal are obviously going to be unique to you. It could be to do with your relationships, your family, abusive situations or even just your own low self esteem.
People generally feel like being driven towards suicide because their coping mechanisms cannot weigh up with the amount of stress they are dealing with [or sometimes, we simply don't want to cope.] When this happens we are looking for a way out, and with self harm something that we might be used to, the next 'logical' step our mind may take is to thinking of suicide.
We think of suicide as the ultimate "solution" sometimes. When our problems are becoming too much to bear, we can have tunnel-vision and focus only on the one solution, the one that will seemingly end all of our problems.
Of course, while ending our problems it also ends any chance of recovery, any chance of a better day, and any chance of doing the things you enjoy again. It ends everything. Even though the pain hurts now and you want to find a way out desperately, suicide is not that way out.
Don't lose all the opportunities you have in life just because you are struggling. Reach out for support, realise what is triggering you personally and what is overwhelming you and work on it slowly - but please, don't take the 'easy' way out. You will ultimately be missing so much of your life.
These feelings of being overwhelmed, of stressed, of trapped, of scared - whatever it is you are facing, they can be worked with. You just need to be alive to work on them. Keep fighting.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2008 at 04:45 AM.
No. While it is not desirable to feel like this, and it can be extremely painful, thinking or feeling suicidal is not something you should be punished for. Your limits are being pushed and you're probably hurting a lot inside, the last thing you need is for someone else [or yourself!!] to punish you for feeling suicidal.
People can have strong reactions to suicide for different reasons. Family and friends might struggle to talk about it originally but mostly because they are wanting you to feel better, they might just want to be able to make everything go away with some words. Others might have had experience with suicide which makes it difficult to discuss, and in some religions suicide is viewed as a sin.
However, that does not mean because you feel suicidal you are a bad person. That's not true. You feel suicidal because you've got a lot of difficult thoughts / feelings / things happening and you're struggling to cope, it is not a reflection of your personality. It simply means you need to speak out and get some support to help you through these feelings, so you can better cope with what is going on around you.
I know how it feels. It feels like this are going to be dark and miserable forever. It might even be a pattern you've already experienced over a number of years, that things haven't got better yet so why should they now?
I'm not going to tell you that waking up tomorrow you're going to feel glorious and things should turn out fine if you wish hard enough. Because they won't. But things don't remain the same all the time either - things change. This means your feelings, your situations and your emotions will change too. If you're feeling overwhelmed because of a relationship right now, your opinion of that might change in a few days. If you're depressed than you can work on that with therapy and medication.
I'm not saying it'll come easy (but hey, sometimes these things happen) because ultimately with depression you will probably need either therapy, medication or a combination of the both to help you stablise your moods. But once that happens, you're set for putting your skills to work, working on a different state of mind and getting involved with things, making sure you have support - and try to prevent feeling this way forever.
Remember - if you keep doing the same thing over and over again you will never get a different result. But have faith. You can get through this - no matter how hard it is now, dawn will break.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2008 at 04:45 AM.
Suicide is often thought of under times of increased pressure, stress and demand is placed on ourselves. When we feel we're fighting a battle -even if only with ourself mentally- and we feel we cannot win.
In all honesty, suicide is a big thing. Don't let anything "normalise" suicide for you because it is a big and permanent solution to a temporary problem.
However, there are some things you can do to reduce the severity of these feelings and hopefully lead you into getting some help and support to get you through this.
Some ideas include:
Do not try and go through this alone. Speak with someone about your problems. You need not be blunt and say "I'm suicidal" if you don't want to, but you can certainly talk with someone about the stress you feel from your parents, your family, your work, your job -talk about your feelings and get some of it out of your head a bit, release it as much as you can in a healthy manner.
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Try and figure out what is pushing you into feeling this way. Are you overwhelmed, trapped, scared, being bullied? If you can label the reasons you are feeling so pushed into feeling suicidal, you can begin to think about working on the problem. For example, if you're stressed about a work situation and you can identify it, you can problem solve and reduce the stress the situation is giving you. Identify your triggers and see if you can reduce the negative impact they have on you.
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Take some time off. Relax. Seriously - as big as these feelings may be, take some time away from them, tell your head to put them aside and do something simple, even playing in The Arcade and distract yourself. Know that you don't have to focus on them. In fact if you do, it's not going to help you. Try and have a healthy barrier between yourself and these thoughts, keep them at a distance so you don't become obsessed with the thoughts. And if you are obsessed, then speak to a professional about it.
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Express it! Write, talk, sing to music loudly. The same with avoiding self harm, to reduce your feelings towards suicidality it can help to be able to express them in a healthy manner. Some healthy ideas for expressing your negative emotions (anger/stressed/overwhelmed etc) include:
Writing. Either use the Ranting & Venting Forum or use a bit of paper and get out your feelings, write everything going through your head and let it get out there so you don't have to focus on it. It might also make what is stressing you a bit clearer.
Physical Expression. In a healthy manner can help you to release any tension that is building up. Make sure though, that you don't cause any physical harm on yourself. Try going for a jog, doing some gentle exercise (releases endorphins!) or even scribbling on a page. Also try holding some ice for a short time, or having a cold shower. The lists go on, you can be inventive with this one.
As long as you are able to try and reduce the amount of time you are spending on your suicidal thoughts, the intensity of them should decrease. If you are strong enough to try and train your thoughts, recognise when they wander to suicide and consciously bring them back from that and focus on something else, even a physical object nearby.
Of course, professional help will always be a must-do in helping you decrease your suicidal thoughts. I recommend you speak to your doctor and speak with a psychologist or psychiatrist regarding them so the exact points can be discussed and you can receive the treatment that you truly do deserve. You don't need to suffer with these thoughts.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-09-2009 at 12:36 AM.
Strangely enough, as humans we can see there are some benefits of being suicidal. No - I don't suggest it at all. Any benefits are strongly outweighed by the negatives. But - it is not uncommon to feel "okay" with being suicidal.
When we're suicidal, we are in need for comfort and support. The most effective way to get this is to express or recognise ourselves that we are unwell. Suicidal feelings are one of the most extreme ways we have for people notice that we need attention and support. There's nothing wrong with needing attention, we're human beings and we need it there for us. We need support to help us get us through.
When we're suicidal, it can often be when we get the most support from our family, friends or even members online. So we become nurtured and learn that through feeling suicidal we can get that support, and we can become comfortable with the pain if it ends with a bit more comfort.
But that's not a good habit to get into.
Here's the good news.
You don't have to be going through intense pain [such as being suicidal] to get support, love and affection. Anybody who cares about you is going to give you love and support no matter how you are feeling. And if you are open with people and just say "I need a hug / support / talk" then people will be there for you. It doesn't mean you're not even going to feel suicidal again, some people find it comfortable because they are scared of the "unknown" - but don't be afraid to ask for help before it gets too serious.
Even if it's as simple as making a post needing a bit of encouragement in General Support & Advice, it can be a key step in helping you keep your balance of support and stability in your life without going downhill. Remember that we care about you no matter what your state of mind is; you're still worthy of support.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2008 at 04:43 AM.
It can really feel like that sometimes. Sometimes, the odds of things can just be so stacked against a person that no matter what you think of there is an answer to why it won't work. Are you open to support?
Remember that depression can sometimes cloud our vision, it can make our future seem hopeless and problems unsolvable. It's a cruel thing - it can even make small problems seem big, and overwhelm us. So maybe you're not in the best place to judge at the moment if you can be helped or not. I've never seen anyone turned back from a mental health professional because they were "a lost cause." You might feel like it - but there are people who can get you back on track.
Even when there is a wide, vast range of issues at work into why someone is suicidal (and, there usually is) they can be dealt with. Tackling them each individually and allowing yourself not to get overwhelmed with the bigger picture is the main thing. And certainly if you've got a lot of different issues and factors do not go through it alone. If you seek professional support and talk with someone that can be a great place to start, and break down it into something you can deal with.
And if you're unable to speak to a professional, such as a doctor or a psychologist, you could talk with people here, friends, parents, and try and see if anyone else can assist you in getting you to a professional, so you can discuss the feelings you're going through at the moment.
But no - you're not a lost cause. And we won't give up on you here.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2008 at 04:43 AM.
Nobodies life is perfect, to begin with. But I don't care how good your grades are, I don't care if your family is the most loving thing, I don't care if you're simply gorgeous. Unfortunately,nobody is immune to depression; nobody is immune to the thoughts of suicide. It doesn't mean you have failed, or that your parents did a bad job raising you, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It simply means at this point in time you're not coping and you are struggling to find a way to deal with your problems.
Don't let people trick you with "but you have everything." You can have everything in the world and still be unhappy, still be sad and struggling to deal with what is going on in your life. Worry about yourself - not about others expectations of you. Just get yourself through this, get the support you need, that's all you can ask of yourself.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2008 at 04:43 AM.
I wrote this article in approximately 2006, and it has since caused contentious debate among members who feel touched by it or not. Some have labelled it simply a "guilt trip."
And do you know why? Because after reading this you will probably feel guilty towards suicide. Suicide takes your pain, and spreads it to every single person you have ever touched, ever met and ever known. Suicide makes your depression contagious - but that's not the worst part really.
The worst part is you can get through this and move on in your life, so don't waste it on suicide. You have the power to not only save hundreds of people pain, but to also save your own life and get through this. Read that sentence again. It's the most important thing you can remember.
Here is my article from 2006.
The following article may be triggering. Please be careful.
Quote:
Are you thinking about suicide? Thinking about how - if you killed yourself - nobody would care?
Think again.
If you kill yourself you will change somebody's world. That's right. They will see everything differently. Just hearing your name will burn their mind with memories. They wont be able to go near where you lived, even your town will hold memories. Listening to the radio they'll hear that song, remember,that song you sang with them once? They'll step past your locker every day and wonder why you are not there. Why are you not there??
Do you want to be responsible for your family members, the people who love you, crying every night? For your sisters or brothers losing part of who they are? Your suicide is going to affect most deeply those who care about you most. That's not right. One of your friends may break down, and just like you, their world will be dark. The pain you are in is awful, but why pass it on to hundreds of people around you, when you could try your hardest to work through it?
Your family will be paranoid. Suddenly everyone will be talking about them. Do you want to be known as 'the kid who killed themselves?' People you never knew will be crying when they hear what you've done. Yes, they will be effected. Everyone around you will stop and think ;; "was there something i could have done?" Suddenly the people of your world are dying with guilt. All those little hints you gave, they'll remember them. Oh yes, and it will torture them all the time.
Your friends will think of suicide. Your closest friends are likely to go into a depression like the one that claimed your life. How will they cope, without you? This will break them, for the rest of their lives. And lets not forget the people who will plan your funeral. Your closest friends and family picking out songs for you, photos of you. Crying all the night before, and all the day of your funeral. And all the night after. In fact, they will cry now more than you ever did. Could they have saved you?
They'll be angry. Oh yes. Why didn't you tell them? They loved you. And now it's too late. They'll be angry with you because they know, they know you could have gotten through it. Then they'll be angry with themselves because they may have been able to save you if only they knew.
And one day, one day years from now, they'll remember you. They will all still remember you. The girl that sat up the front of your class; she'll remember you. The bus driver you saw every morning; he'll remember you. That little girl you sat with on the bus once, The kid you gave money to at the shop, all your siblings friends, the people that you don't see, but that see you everyday they will all remember you. And every single one of them will wonder; why?
But imagine your family.
You are part of them. Without you, something is missing. If you killed yourself then part of them dies too. They are incomplete. Every family gathering will be missing something. The photos on the wall are suddenly all cold reminders of what you did.
Who goes through your bedroom? Who cleans out your locker? Who calls the school to tell them one of their students has died? .. Who tells the students? Who calls the funeral directors? Who arranges a coffin for you? Who calls your best friend to tell them you're dead??
Who finds you?
Please, there are other ways out. I know sometimes the struggle is very, very hard. But it's not worth giving up on life. Life is all we have, life is everything. Its the beautiful moments, and the sad ones. Please, don't give up on all those around you. You can make it through.
My teacher said this about her father, who committed suicide: "I understand that the pain is overwhelming, but I will never forgive him for the pain he has caused others. It was just selfish. If you kill yourself you spread the suffering among thousands of people, it doesn't only affect those around you but everyone who has ever come in contact with you."
Please, keep fighting. You can get through this and see that there is life after what you're facing now. It may be hard, but you'll get there, and when you do you will appreciate it so much more. I understand that most people know that suicide effects others, but please keep this in mind if you're ever feeling so low. Give people the chance to help you.
Last edited by Snow White. : 01-10-2009 at 09:58 AM.
What if that doesn't affect me?
This content may be triggering.
A lot of people criticise the idea that we shouldn't end our lives to save others suffering. That it would be selfish to ask them to have us suffer through our pain. But why would people who love and care you want you to live with this depression?
Because - you will live after this depression. You won't live after suicide.
Even when things get hard and people will urge you on, even for their sake, they're not trying to spare themselves from their pain, but they are trying to help you through.
The reality is, you mean something to someone. You may not believe me. I'm not going to force you to. There have been times where I have felt like I have met nothing to nobody. Have you actually asked anyone? Do you have any reliable evidence as to why nobody would care if you were dead?
Our minds - when clouded by depression - can be so focussed on the idea that we are alone we forget there are people who care about us. So if you think you're alone, and your death won't affect anyone - I ask you to ask someone who knows you about that. See what they say.
I met a girl once whose name was Emma. We only ever talked over a cigarette in the courtyard every-so-often and she was the kindest most lovely girl. To this day I can remember everything about her, her long hair, her cheeky smile, and her long, beautiful skirts. After years of abuse, Emma took her life. She would never have been able to have predicted how completely shattered I was to hear of her death. Likewise, if I died I wouldn't think of her. But now, I can see outside that box.
Suicide touches everyone you have come in contact with. If you can't pull through for yourself, please, pull through this for those around you. And if not that, then for the sheer fact that there is something better out there, and you are worth it.
Last edited by Snow White. : 26-07-2008 at 08:21 AM.
Why Won't Someone Save Me? Aimee's Story.
Written 15/4/08.
This content may be triggering.
I wanted to kill myself for three years. For three years straight I wanted to end my life. In fact, this story was written as I am in hospital as an "involuntary inpatient." But my neat handwriting more than makes up for that, right? Right.
Maybe it's a manic phase, but right now I really do see a future for myself. (Which, by the way, being makes held captive even more difficult.) I see myself inspiring and encouraging others and helping people to avoid this shit as much as possible. I would wish this pain on nobody.
So then, why wish it on myself? Why put myself through so much pain that I want to end my life? Life is all we have - it's all we've got. Think of what you can do with life, anything really. Why choose something as irreversible as suicide? It's not like it's fun. In fact it would be very painful whether you succeeded or not. And not succeeding, well, I'm sure you know the horrible injuries you could sustain. But maybe as a 'vegetable' you'd appreciate the life you used to have? Don't wait till then. Start now.
Sounds easy, yeah? Another faceless person telling you to appreciate life. But it's not as if I haven't been there before myself. Remember the beginning of this - I am currently under section, so I know the shuddering pain of depression, how it can feel like it owns every part of you. I know suicide feeling logical and like the solution to all of your problems, and I know that moment you realise self harm is your only friend. And I know picking up the pieces isn't easy.
So then, am I a hypocrite? No. Maybe. I'm not going to deny that the pain isn't real and you'll probably feel like you're in a dark hole. But what I am saying is it needs to be shifted. It's not your fault you are in pain, don't feel guilty. Pain exists all around us everyday; you've probably just got more than your fair share.
When your life has fallen to pieces - or so it feels - what are you expected to do? What do most people do. They hide, avoid, or wait for something to come along and save them. But in reality, the only thing that will ever save you is yourself. And you can do it.
Two examples. The first is myself, standing at a bridge. Expecting the world to recognise I was in pain and I wanted to jump, just waiting for somebody to ask me if I was alright. And nobody came. I climbed the rail and looked down over the edge, and still nobody came to save me. Realising this, I stood down and sat peacefully. For I was saved - by myself.
The second example is one a lot of you shall be able to relate to. I told somebody what was going on with me, with my depression. Such a simple act is the beginning to be saved, and is so empowering. And it's a step you can take yourself.
There is no need to wait for people to notice. Chances are, you are hiding it too well. There is no need for someone to pull you from the bridge when you can step down. The same goes in asking for help. Put your hand up first, and if nobody notices, then put up both hands. You're worthy of having support.
And in realising this, I am nowhere near perfect, but I am able to get the support where I need, and I wish the very same for you all.
Last edited by Snow White. : 23-06-2008 at 09:06 AM.
I am beginning to think about suicide - what should I do?
If you're just beginning to think about suicide - no plans are made - but you're thinking of it as a viable option in your life, ask yourself what is stressing you? What is it that is pushing you to want to take such an extreme reaction?
How are you feeling - are you cornered or trapped? Are you overwhelmed with pressure from work or school? Are you feeling really alone or unheard? See if you can find the thoughts behind why you're beginning to feel suicidal.
All of these can be really good key questions to ask yourself when you are beginning to think of suicide. While you're only beginning to think of suicide the best thing you can do is put into action some thing to reduce the feelings.
So - if you've identified you're feeling stressed, then work at reducing what ever may be stressing you, or work at expressing these feelings of stress in a healthy matter. Tell someone what you are feeling, no matter what you are if it's tired, stressed, sick, trapped - speak with someone and see if that can ease the burden on your mind a bit.
Suicide won't solve any of the problems that you are dealing with at the moment, and the sooner you take the idea out of your head the sooner you can work on an action plan that can help sort out the problems. The Forums can be a great place to get thoughts and ideas about that, so don't forget to use them!
And while you're dealing with the problems you're facing now, try and push the thought of suicide out of your head while it is still in early stages (ss it will be somewhat easier.) Acknowledge it, but then recognise it's not an option you want to focus on and you need to focus on something more positive and that will help reduce your stress and anxiety. Remember it's going to be much easier on yourself if you can try to avoid thinking of it - so if you can focus on something more positive the thoughts have less chance to get intense. Try not to entertain the thoughts, don't let them grow.
So you have a plan for suicide. That can be a pretty big and scary thing for some people, or sometimes, the idea can even be of comfort to know that the plan is there if things get too tough. The problem with that, though, is that where there is a plan there is often an intent to act on it, and that's what we are here to prevent.
Where there is a plan involved in suicidal thoughts, you really need to take responsibility and speak to someone. If things in your life have gotten so difficult for you that you've planned a way out, you need to speak with someone regarding your plans, and what is triggering it. It is never to late to get help and speak up about your thoughts and plans.
Good people to speak to include professionals such as doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists or counsellors. Depending on your age and the seriousness of your plan, some confidentiality with some of these people may be broken, as part of their duty of care.
If you have a date for your plan, I strongly suggest you plan some way to make it impossible for you to go through with your actions. Even if that means you go out to a friends house, you stay in a common area with family for the night, or you go right to bed without doing anything to yourself - it might seem silly but if you don't act on these plans you are giving yourself the chance for things to improve and get better.
Sometimes, we don't actually want to act on our plans but we feel compelled to because we have the thoughts/plans. We're still seeking support even though we have a plan and that's when you can try and intervene by speaking up and avoiding the plans. The sooner you speak up, or post here, and get the support you can, the sooner you can avoid ending your life and start beginning to solve the problems, so you can enjoy the better life that you deserve.
It's difficult I know, and things must be really difficult for you right now if you do have a plan for suicide but I urge you to intervene with yourself and make sure you cannot act these plans out, and tell someone you trust how you are feeling. You can overcome these thoughts - they are only thoughts, you need not act on them - and we are all here to help you through.
I am actively suicidal right now - what should I do?
If you are actively suicidal and you feel you might act on your urges to commit suicide - you need to get help. You need to speak out and let someone know what is going on in your head, and let people know that you need support.
Please tell someone as soon as possible how you are feeling. It is important you speak to someone regarding these thoughts. Please do not delay this. Call your doctor, or psychologist/counsellor or a local help line, or your local emergency number (eg. 911). You could also speak to a trusted adult regarding these feelings to get you more support, and another option is to take yourself (or have someone go with you) down to A&E if you are feeling particularly unsafe.
If you can, try not to be alone. Sit with family or friends when you are feeling like you might act on your thoughts, or ring someone and try and have a conversation to keep yourself occupied. Not being alone is important because it allows you to remove the opportunity to act on your thoughts.
Keep anything that could be used as a method away from you as much as possible. Try and stay in a safe environment, and protect yourself from if you become impulsive. I know you're feeling down and you might not want to protect yourself from these feelings, but remember suicide won't solve your problems, and right now you're under a lot of stress so your thinking may be impared by that. You can get through this. Remove anything that you have planned you could hurt yourself with and put them somewhere out of reach, or, completely destroy them (i.e. pills into a toilet.)
Try and keep yourself distracted doing positive things and letting out your emotions in positive ways, such as writing or speaking with people. Try not to engage with the thoughts of suicide and not to entertain them as much as they want to be, remember to protect yourself. You can make a post on the forums asking for some support and advice too, as sometimes it can be very hard to do some of these things when you're feeling in such a state.
Remember: these feelings will pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please speak out and get the help and support you need and deserve right now. I know it might be scary, but it is very much worth it and you can do it.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2008 at 06:43 AM.
A friend or someone I know is suicidal - what can I do?
If someone has told you that they are suicidal, be there for the person but don't let it affect you too heavily, also. The key to this is that suicide should never be a secret. If someone has expressed to you that they feel suicidal or that they have a plan, don't take that all on board by yourself; tell someone.
Talk to an adult or a professional about what they have said, such as a parent, a doctor, or a counsellor / psychologist.
It might be worth telling your friend first, saying something like "I care about you and therefore I cannot keep information about suicide a secret, can we get some professional help?" If you feel able to, offer to go with them to get the support that they need. Talk it over with your friend, let them know they can get through this but you need to speak up and tell someone.
They might be scared, they might object to telling other people, but ultimately it could save their lives so don't feel bad, because getting them the support they need is the right thing to do for you both (and one day, they will be grateful I am sure. But when the feelings are so intense it can be very scary.)
If your friend is just talking about suicide, still take what they say seriously. You might want to ask them what is triggering the feelings, and if there is anything you can do to help? Even if you are able to provide some fun and distraction for them. Let them know you are there for them - they must trust you a lot to be able to tell you about their feelings so try not to dismiss them. Validate how they are feeling ("I understand..") and if you can, help them sort through it, and help them too to speak out and get support. If you can listen to what they are saying, that can reduce their own distress and perhaps make them feel a bit better, so try and have a listening ear and let them know you care, and that they are not alone; you're there for them.
Remember to look after yourself too, as it can be emotionally draining supporting someone with suicidal feelings. Make sure you've got enough of a chance to be gentle with yourself and somewhere where you can express your feelings, too.
Last edited by Snow White. : 30-06-2008 at 04:41 AM.
The Samaritans [UK]: 116 123
LifeLine [Australia]: 13 11 14
Kids Help Line [Australia - for ages 13-25]: 1800 55 1800
Suicide Helpline [Victoria, Australia]: 1300 651 251
US -'warm'lines - non-crisis support lines which do not call the cops Wildflower Alliance Peer Support Line: 888-407-4515, hours are 7pm to 9pm Monday through Thursday and 7pm-10pm Friday through Sunday Key Consumer Organization: 800-933-5397, hours are 8am - 4:30pm, Monday - Friday. MBRLC Peer Support Line: 877-733-7563, hours are 4 pm-7:45 pm every day.
Or maybe hope that no one cares so that you can do what you want without hurting people?
Have you tried to tell yourself people would be ok if you died? Or that its better off if you are dead?
Let me tell you that people will care. That people will hurt. That people don't stop caring just because you haven't spoken for a day or a week or a month or a year. You're probably thinking 'not for me', or 'as if', but yeh, for you. It's true.
I know how wretched life can feel. It can feel completely intolerable. It can feel unbearable. It can feel full of pain. It can feel hopeless. It can feel lonely. It can feel isolating.
It can be so easy in those times to convince yourself or to hope no one cares or to just believe that no one cares and people would be better off without you.
That is wrong. Further wrong than you could ever imagine unless you have stood there.
When someone you love tries to kill themself, or succeeds, it hurts, and that's an understatement.
What happens to those people is that they are put on a merry go round of emotions.
They will feel guilt that they let you down.
They will feel guilt for not being there when you needed them.
They will get tearful or cry for no apparent reason.
They will get terrified of losing you, and/or others.
They will feel confused about what is happening.
They will feel very, very sad.
They may get hysterical.
They will question what they have done or what they haven't done.
They will blame themselves.
They will want to be strong for you, but crumble inside.
They will look and analyse any contact you did or didn't have.
They will be shocked at what's happened.
They won't want to believe it.
They will feel numb or nothing.
They will feel empty.
They will feel like their heart is breaking, and that's an actual physical feeling.
They will beg for you to come back, or to stay, or to fight.
They will feel overwhelming anger at anything and everything and anyone and everyone, including you and themselves.
They will be scared to let anyone in incase they too hurt them.
They will be scarred forever because of the pain that it causes.
Those things don't happen in order, its like a random selection, for a random amount of time, and then switching to something else, and it will switch over and over until the person is exhausted, and then continue to switch over and over, battering the person with a continuous barrage of emotions.
Even if you don't believe that people care, they do because you are important and you touch lives. Again, you may find this hard to believe but that doesn't stop it being true. Those people who you maybe once had friendships or relationships with, or who are relatives, those who maybe you have lost contact with, or tried to cut out, they will all care and they will all hurt. You know what? Even those you have argued with or are estranged from will care and feel it. Hate and love are very closely linked.
If you don't believe me, just ask them? Ask them if they would care.
Its very easy to believe that no one cares. Its really hard to believe that someone somewhere may care, even if you are not sure who.
Cutting people out or thinking no one cares or would be better off without you is no reason or excuse to try and kill yourself or to succeed and kill yourself because it quite simply is not true.
Next time you feel bad, feel suicidal, reach out to someone. Reach out to people in your life (or who haven't been in your life). Ask them if they care. Let them show you they care. Reach out to a stranger. Contact the Samaritans. People care whether you believe it or not. If you die or severely hurt yourself, people will care whether you believe it or not. Tell the truth. Let people help.
Turn it around. Think of theose people who are in your life, or passed through your life, or who you have lost contact with. Would you care if they died? You are no different from any of them. You may feel it, but you are just the same. You are a human, a person, with a life and relationships.
When those thoughts creep in about no one caring, banish them, because they are lies.
