The initial anxiety was of unexpected noises. I think I've calmed down a bit with that now. I'm generally anxious about peoples well being and the danger of the men and I'm so tired. I at least need a break but I don't know how that would happen other than slightly in hospital but I'm sure I'm not going to get a bed any time soon if at all. I'm seeing a different CPN on Friday but only my own CPN understands me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It's really hard when a professional goes off sick, especially when it's one we get along with and feel heard by. Do you think you'll be able to talk to the CPN on Friday? If not, can you think of any ways you'd be able to communicate with them?
Is there anything that brings you any comfort at the moment?
I will try my best to talk to the CPN. I saw him once before but he lives where I used to live and he mostly just spoke about what streets I lived in and stuff like that.
Sleep is mostly the only sort of escape but my dreams usually involve mental illness or scary stuff.
I went to the supermarket this morning and I had to apologise to a lady who was at the cash machine because she was hanging around one of the machines so I walked to the other machine and then she started walking at the same time. It wasn't a big deal but then I heard people apologising to each other for things in the supermarket and I felt myself getting really upset about the big and small bad things I do. I realise it's kind of stupid. I'm sensitive.
I had an appointment with my support worker and said I couldn't make decisions about where to go and which way to walk etc because it was dangerous. She did make the decisions but then asked me to to choose between two appointment times for next week. I sat there for ages because I was so worried but I did choose because I was wasting her time and I felt like she was slightly annoyed. Maybe I really should stay away from everyone but refusing an appointment could also lead to something bad happening to other people.
Everything hurts massively.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well done for telling the support worker that it was difficult to make decisions, and for choosing your next appointment. I'm sure they weren't annoyed.
I'm so low and suicidal. I want everything to stop. I was out today and was very low on the train home and wished I would get off and jump in front of a train. I need to talk to someone but only my CPN would be helpful. This could be a very long, tortured life.
I'm extremely worried about my neighbours.
I want to thump myself but I have no energy. Have done some minor self harming.
I don't want life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so tired and so anxious. I don't dare even try and close my eyes or go to bed earlier than usual in case I go backwards with my getting out of bed pattern.
Stop.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I need to die. This is absolute torture. I am so stupid I won't ever get suicide right though. Trying to hold off from doing what the men say at the moment so I can talk to the CPN on Friday but I don't think he can help. I'm just trying, trying, trying.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You are certainly not stupid and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you manage to keep safe and I hope it helps speaking with your CPN. If not maybe you could speak to someone on duty? x
I really hope the CPN on Friday can offer some help. Please try and be honest about feeling so suicidal if you can. I agree, it's clear how hard you're trying.
I'm 2 years out of the psych ward today. As much as it is an achievement I would rather not have achieved it and got some support. I don't think anyone is looking for a bed for me any more now that my CPN is off. I'm surviving anyway. The self harming I do doesn't reflect how badly I want to do it so I'm safe.
I didn't go to the gym group today. I am really low and I feel like it's dangerous for other people if I'm around them. I really should stay inside away from everyone but I selfishly go out for my meds and try to do a food shop or something so I don't drive myself further insane by staying inside all day.
It's hard not having my CPN about. It's scary that she is the only person who I feel understands me and who I can always trust. She's not going to be my CPN forever. I can't do honesty and showing pain to any family members or friends, not that I have many of them about.
I want to properly slice open my arms. I want self inflicted damage. I want to do better.
Having been out of hospital for 2 years surely means that someone is going to push me to move forward soon. It's hard enough fighting things as they are. I can't do life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't think it is scary that you feel that way about your cpn. I for one am glad you have someone you feel like you can trust and be honest with even if it doesn't always work in your favour.
I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I wish there was something more i could do than type words to you on a screen. For what it's worth, we know you're trying and we see your pain and distress clearly.
I agree with the others an hope you can be as honest as possible with the other cpn tomorrow. Even though it is scary. And the fear of not feeling heard or understood is very real and substantial. If you feel able to, could you maybe ask him what is happening about them looking for a bed for you?? It's not an unreasonable question and i think it might help a bit to at least know where you stand.
^ definitely agree with Zurg. It's so reasonable to ask what the situation is with finding a bed, and you do still need it. I really relate to finding it difficult to take yourself seriously on the one hand, because you feel as though you might not complete suicide, I feel the same about myself. But a. There is the risk that you might and that is very worth being heard, and b. The level of distress and trapped feelings that leaves you with... it's not fair, and there may well be ways of being helped with that.
It must be very painful to feel that you may lose your CPN at some point, given that she's the only person you fell able to be honest with. Does it bring any comfort that, because you've been able to build that relationship with her, it could happen with other people too? It sounds like you've had some very negative and underserved interactions with some professionals in the past but there are a lot of good ones out there who really try hard to 'get it'.
I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. I hope your CPN can come back to work soon and that you feel supported by tomorrow's CPN.
I will try hard to communicate well with the CPN today. It always seems like when I need someone the most there is no one there and then when I get to appointments I can't express much. I don't even think writing something would be useful. I have put some small points in my phone but it just depends on how I communicate in the moment and how I feel in the moment. I'm kind of embarrassed/ashamed to ask about the bed situation, I really don't know if I need a bed and I did say to my own CPN before she went off that I didn't need a bed.
I know I could probably develop other positive professional relationships but I'm hoping so much that my CPN will be supporting me for a good while longer. It's hard to find people who don't judge and don't push too hard.
The worker from the gym group phoned and left a message. As selfish as this sounds I thought she was checking if I was ok since I didn't make it to the group and since I think she is supposed to be my new key worker but she was just telling me about another group that's starting. I don't know if she is my new key worker, it hasn't been confirmed. I thought something would have been sorted by now since my previous key worker finished quite a while ago and the team leader knows I'm struggling. I feel kind of uncomfortable and anxious about that person being my key worker anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I did ask about hospital and he said he doesn't know if I'm still on the list, that he thinks they're trying to manage me in the community.
I don't feel like people are taking my concerns about the safety of my neighbours/people in general seriously because they think it's not reality but they also think I'm not insane enough for it to be something that needs to be bothered about.
But the CPN said they're hoping my own CPN will be back at work soon so I really hope she is.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
