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Just so exhausted...
Sorry this may be long! I will be immensely grateful if anyone does read it all.
All started about two months ago, i was getting super anxious about things, i had asked my friend if i was being irritating and she said no your fine. She goes away for a week, i tag her in about 6 things on facebook in one day realised my self that was a few too many time so left it a few days before messaging her again to see if she was having a good time and once more when she got back. She only responded to a couple of things as she was busy and i got that so it wasnt an issue to me but....
We had been going gym together and using private and group chats and i was nervous to talk in group chats so mostly spoke to her about things. She comes back from the week off and says that i am too intense and i want her to always be there for me and that she feels pressured to constantly bridge the gap between her and her friends that i either like them or i dont then other things she was saying was she knew i was struggling and trying hard which is confusing for a start and seemed to come out the blue even though i had asked if i was being irritating, but still said all these things.....i asked her the day after if we could have a shit down chat face to face becuase i was still anxious about what she had said and she responded by saying nothing needs fixing and to chill my beans but she had basically triggered all of my anxieties regarding friendship so i couldn't leave it. I sent a message a few days later asking what i had done as it was making me anxious that she hadn't told me. She responded and told me that i had been using her as a crutch for all the things wrong in my life...i don't even knw what she means about that ? I never demanded any time from her or anything i know she has a life ect i never dictated anything we did so i just didn't understand any of what she said, she also said i taggged her in a lot of things, i said there were just fun things she didn't have to respond to them and i never said she had to either so i was confused from all of this and 100% anxious. She told me that its a two way street and that she should be able to express herself without making me anxious, she told me i shouldn;t be reacting like i was as she was just asking me to ease off even though i had left it a few days. She also mentioned that she is not the person to get me through life that i am, which i get but aren't friends suppose to help friends through things like i did with her when she had to have some treatment last year i mean i was there for her then and it feels like she has gotten bored with me and told me to go away now that shes feeling better.
So i try harder in the group chats and leave this friend alone in the private messages to try and respect what she was saying. I tried with the group to arange gym stuff etc for over two weeks and nobody seemed interested at all about doing anything with me but responded to her stuff straight away. I was thinking maybe she had said things to them but i know thats the anxiety talking so i said nothing and continued to try regardless of this. Saw this friend in work and things seemed fine and we were talking normally so i tried to arrange something for the monday and mention it in the group chat as well she said that she was working and no one reponded in the group chat at all......and low and behold i see that a group of them went out on monday on facebook.....this really hurt me but i had decided to let it go by wednesday and was like maybe it was just a last minute thing maybe they already thought i was busy? Still anxious but decided to leave it. Got to saturday and my depressions and anxiety was having a field day with me and i exited the group chats and left it until the next day.....realised that it had been a stupid move so asked to be putback in the group chats and this friend says no becuse it was obviously too much drama for me as i left in the first place, i mentioned aboout the monday and how i felt left out and she took it the wrong way and said i should be able to go out with my friends without sending you into a tizz and i don't have to justify my self for you even though i never asked her too....she told me to be honest and she says i shouldn't be thinking like that etc i tried to tell her that my brain does that sometimes because its a tit at times and she says fine can we just leave it so i wasn't added back in the groups because she thought it was too much......i was only be honest about how i felt and she basically says i was over reacting ! then she says lets just leave it and shuts me down it felt like.
She also gave away my ticket for something she had planned as soon as i had left the group chat without even asking me about it which also hurt to be honest but i said nothing about it.....well i may have said have fun all the tickets are sold out now because i was hurt! I apoligised for the comment and told them to have fun. Then of all things they all got to alton towers about a week or so later and they knew that i was interested in it when we planned it a while ago but no body even asked which also hurt at lot, i was crying so much it hurt that i was forgotten, i had already been feeling isolated which is why i was honest with her about being left out and her soultion was to leave me out even more! This was over three weeks ago i messaged her this weeks about her driving stuff and offered her my highway code she said that was very kind but she already had one so i tried to get a conversation going and i got ignored again. I may have ignored her question about how i was but i didn't think she would be interested in my 'drama' as she has previously prooved!!.
Through all of this she knows that i am struggling with my emotions and controling them as i am under investigation for a mood disorder with a psychiatrist and i think my medication stopped working when i had initally got anxious about things but she doesn't know any of this or how i actually feel because any time i have tried she has shut me down and told me to chill out!!! she says she undersands why i am like i am but she obvioulsy doesnt if her behaviour is anything to go bay. I just don't know what to do i have spun into a deep pit of depressions and some of my thoughts are scaring me to be honest and it feels like i am alone in all of this and that i have lost this friend completely....i've been crying for weeks loosing weight and just doing nothing i can't even work because i am afraid that she will be there !! My Gp said that she can't do anything regarding the mirtazapine because i have to wait for the psych appoinment which is now tomorrow but she did give me diazepam which has stopped the uncontrolable crying but not much else i feel like it would be better that i didn't exist, i want to run away from everything ! I want my friend back but she's been so mean recently with all this stuff so i get anxious even texting her in the first place now :( I'm just empty, im done with always fighting to keep everything normal....i didn't choose to think or feel that way and it seems like shes saying i should just get over it and i want to but she has done too much to hurt me now. I don't even know how i would react to her if i saw her right now.
I sorry this is super long and it feels like such a little thing considering the things most people go through but it feels like i have let her in and she said used it against me to stab me in the back with just for fun and she's not letting me make my own decisions regarding whats too much for me.
Last edited by xx-Samantha-xx : 01-05-2017 at 06:24 PM.
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