Contains sexual abuse - Overwhelmed with guilt.

Charmed · 01-05-2016, 11:57 PM

Sorry to post. I don't know how to feel.

Everyone tells me it wasn't my fault and if I accept that I will start to heal. But it was my fault and no one understands. Can I still recover if I don't accept what others are saying?

They say I have nothing to feel guilty for. But I am overwhelmed with guilt. And shame. I hate myself and everything about myself. I feel like I'm drowning in guilt and self hate. They say I need to learn to stop feeling guilty. But I don't know how. You should feel guilty if it was your fault right? When I try and think of what happened in a guilt free way, to try and see if I can see it from others points of view I freak out. I'm hysterical and feel horrific for even thinking that. I need to punish and destroy myself.

Guilt is making me want to self destruct. And I have no idea what to do. I am guilty so I can't change this. And this also means I deserve to destroy myself so I'm not really sure what the point of this post is I'm sorry. I'm struggling so much with guilt and shame and self-hatred recently. And pressure from others/professionals to change my beliefs. Any experience helpful words would be super appreciated. Sorry.

Can I still have these feelings and 'recover'? Or is the point that I'm supposed to kill myself.

Sorry. Thank you for reading.

Unbreakable. · 02-05-2016, 01:29 AM

You're not supposed to kill yourself EVER.

Would it help to reframe the guilt as a symptom rather than a fact?
I think being able to see it as a belief is a first step on the road to recovery.
Learning not to blame yourself is hard, it's not gonna happen over night. But I'm convinced you can get there if you keep going and keep working hard in therapy.

I would guess that holding on to the guilt is a protective mechanism. Once you admit it wasn't your fault you're suddenly faced with this really horrendous thing that happened to you for no reason at all. Blaming yourself can help making it seem more rational., it provides a reason.

Are you able to think of it in more abstract terms and recognize why guilt is such a massive part of the abuse?
What would you tell someone in the exact same position?
Could you try write down reasons why they wouldn't be guilty and attempt to apply those to yourself?

Charmed · 03-05-2016, 10:42 PM

Thank you for your reply Lana. Reframing the guilt might be helpful thank you. I've never really thought of feelings as symptoms before. To me the guilt is a fact, not a symptoms or something to be questioned because the guilt arises from blame which again is a fact.

Guilt being protective makes a lot of sense and I'm aware that I do hold onto it for this reason. I can't understand why things happened and the only reason I can understand it is through me having done something. As there is no other reason so how am I supposed to let go of that? Everything is causal, every action has a reaction etc. Things don't just happen. Sorry.

When applying to others I of course know it was never their fault and under no circumstances would it ever be. But I struggle so much to apply that to myself. I feel different, I know that sounds weird, not like I'm amazing different, like I'm terriblely different. I might try writing it down though I haven't done that. Thinking about it too much generally causes a flashback which frankly is a massive pain in the butt.

Also when I try and not feel guilty, I feel horrible for not feeling guilty. My friend as tried to convince me it wasn't my fault and it was someone else's- and I feel horrendous for even thinking that, I'll be hurt more if I think that. I'm so deeply confused though. I'm trying to change my perspectives but I'm just confused and end up hating myself even more. I'm so sorry I didn't mean to massively rant. It helped just to writ it down thank you I'm sorry.

Uglyducklin · 04-05-2016, 10:02 AM

Hi Charmed I am low on words but I agre with Princess you are not to blame and do not need or deserve to die. I struggle with similar things so you are not alone. Please stay safe .

Unbreakable. · 06-05-2016, 07:38 PM

Have you ever tried talking about WHY you blame yourself and perceive yourself different from others that have experienced the same?

Isoverity · 06-05-2016, 10:54 PM

Guilt can be real and yet still misinterpreted. Kids often feel guilty for their parents divorces. Of course they aren't responsible. The guilt they feel comes from hating the break-ups, their parent(s) etc. That guilt gets misinterpreted and shifted.

For better or worse, hating, resenting, being upset etc creates guilt. If you were sitting in a park feeling superb and having a great day, and a person came over to upset you unreasonably it would likely upset you and throw you into a darker day. Being upset is akin to being out of control and that creates guilt.

Being abused will usually produce upset, anger etc and that will being a sense of guilt. People then get confused and start to feel sorry for the abuser after hating them. Its akin to the battered woman syndrome. Women get battered, they get angry, the guilt of being angry breeds an odd sort of false love and devotion for the abuser.

Alysskea · 06-05-2016, 11:18 PM

I think maybe guilt is a defence mechanism sometimes,
It's so much easier to think that you chose what happened than to accept that it happened to you.
That's okay, for now, but don't let it drag you into despair.

ajrocks · 07-05-2016, 11:07 AM

I totally identify! I struggle but i'm getting a bit better with this! i have a great psychologist and support network.I am getting closer to not feeling guilty but this is after a long time of therapy.I don't think you can push the steps I think you have to take it at the pace your brain is ready to.
What helped me is when my psch felt i was ready she asked me to write a letter from my child self to an adult (she wanted me to write to myself but i found that really tricky so it was to an adult in general at first.) then after that she got me as an adult to reply to this child.for some reason doing that letter seemed to flick a switch and one day i just cried for the first time about it all and got closer to the fact it was unfair and shouldn't have happened and i'm still going through this stage at moment its bloody horrible :( but i think it will lead to letting guilt go that doesn't belong in end.
I think its all very well me saying write a letter but that might not be right for you or where you're at it might be something completely different you have to do I don't know but try to take comfort in the fact you will get their and although you don't believe it,it was not your fault and it will get better-be patient with yourself :)