I think I mostly spoke to my CPN about the things that make me anxious at home and outside and she said I need to try and make a safe space at home. I have thought about clearing out the box room as it's a small room and that feels safer when I'm really distressed but I've yet to get round to it. I will probably try this coming week but I'm always making soothing boxes and books etc and then I never use them when I'm distressed. A huge percentage of me wants to push myself over the edge so I don't always try things to feel better or I get so stuck inside my distress that it takes over. I also spoke to my CPN about the new type of self harming I was doing and being triggered to overdose, she really just said not to have things in the house to overdose on and that I need to be careful with self harm not to get an infection.
During the day I can usually tell myself that it's not a good idea to buy things to overdose on etc but then it comes to the evening and I'm getting onto myself for not buying anything. I want things to be clear during the day too so I can get what I need. I can't hurt myself properly anyway. I have lost the skills. When the future arrives and things are more emotionally painful I will have to just take a huge step to kill myself and hope that it works.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
A safe space sounds like a good idea. I feel like cleaning out the room is worth a shot. The thing with safe boxes is that there is things in there you need to *do*, so you might decide you're not in the mood or you're not able to put in the effort at the time. Going into a room and being in there requires less effort.
I can relate to nights being worse than days.
As to losing the skills to hurt yourself, can you look at it in a different way and see that maybe you didn't lose that, instead you seem to have gained skills to not use self destruction to cope? Maybe it would be more productive to shift your focus on learning new skills that will help you to stay safe. I understand it is hard to do that when you so badly want to get worse just to get over with it. But what do you have to lose trying to get better for the time being?
I'm annoying myself having not been able to reply to support threads here for a while. I'll get my apology out first - sorry.
I did clear out the box room and tried it once as a test run but I don't think I'll use it much. Maybe only in really bad emergencies but also maybe not because when things get bad I often don't fight it because I want to push myself over the edge. I am very scared of any type of 'better', I know better implies things being easier and less distressing etc but in that way I won't be able to feel better because when I start to feel more settled it makes me terrified so I therefore don't feel better. If that makes any sense. Periods of stability often leave me really suicidal, I'm such a freak.
I haven't done anything risky for a while anyway. I'm just over a week self harm free. Feel like hurting myself but not in the ways I'm able to so there's no point. I'm still hearing things going on at home and I'm still anxious outside because of people looking at me and judging me. The bus drivers warn each other that I'm on the bus when they change drivers. Everyone hates me. My neighbours across the road never say hello and I know they think badly of me. My cats are still putting me off doing anything risky because they are so, so needy, I don't want to distress them by leaving them on their own if I need treatment. They hate it even when I leave the house for a little while and they're always wanting food and their litter trays cleaned. I love them but I also wish I had cat free freedom to self destruct.
I hate myself. I deserve punishment. I have probably caused more distress than I even know about, I do it unintentionally because I'm evil. I might have stopped to cross a road one day and a car has let me past and then later that car gets into an accident that they wouldn't have got into if they hadn't stopped to let me cross. Things like this worry me a lot. I need to be executed to remove the danger. I saw a support worker today and she was pleased that I had went to the library reading group on my own and mentioned to my key worker that I felt that would be better than going with the worker who came with me the last time. The support worker said how did I manage to do that if I was worried that the other worker would be upset/offended. She asked how I feel about it now and I said I feel bad because I might have made her feel bad. She said that might not be the case. I know, but I have to feel bad just in case I've made her feel bad because it's not right if she is feeling bad and I feel ok. I am poison.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You don't have to feel bad about things that might have happened. We can't predict every outcome. And with the support worker, it sounds like you were polite about it. It is good for you to say what helps you. Sending hugs.
I've been finding it hard to communicate both online and offline.
When I was in the waiting area waiting for my CPN I was noticing the staff passing and thinking about the good jobs they do and how people in general are good and worthwhile. I have no idea why I am alive because I am nothing like a good person. I said this to my CPN and she said she's not going to tell me I am worthwhile because I never believe her and she wants me to write good things about myself instead of bad things. I said I'll give it a go but I think the good things will have to exist alongside the bad things. I can't just ignore the bad things. When I try to be kind to myself I immediately want to punch my head or I start putting myself down. I call myself that swear word that most people hate - C*** automatically and frequently through the day. I can't deal with myself.
The last time I saw my CPN I had brought some of my old blades as she asked me to so I could put them in a sharps bin. I keep panicking about the blades I put in the sharps bin because I'm worried that my CPN might have hurt herself on a blade or someone else would end up hurt who wouldn't have been hurt if I had kept the blades. I try to tell myself that they deal with sharps a lot and will know how to stay safe. Then I start thinking about how dangerous it was for my CPN to sit in a room with me alone when I had blades. What if I had attacked her? I never even thought about attacking her there and then and I'd hope I wouldn't but I can't help worrying about the what ifs. Also what if someone else attacks her. I can't protect everyone and it's draining and distressing.
I'm struggling but appearing stable and that's all that matters.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I've absolutely just had enough. My self harming is going backwards in that I'm able to do less and less damage to myself. I'm hurting and I wish I would just die. I've not got enough of anything to overdose on. I'm sick of being safe. I want to rip my heart out. Everything is hopeless and I don't want a lifetime of this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
What would you consider 'enough' damage though? When I'm in that headspace one minute one thing seems 'enough' then I need more and more severity or whatever, like an addiction. You are such a wonderful person and I don't want to see you dragged down this road.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Enough is something I can't achieve any more. Enough is back to where I was before. I have lost the skills and the pain tolerance. So it doesn't even matter what I want self harm wise because I will never be able to get it. Any form of self harm I do touches none of the emotional pain any more but I have no idea what else to do. I want to destroy myself not do anything kind, kindness is even less of a pain relief than self harm. Even if I would just overdose that might be enough. I can't stand being alive. I'm chained on earth until my brother will be ok with my death but I should bypass that and get on with killing myself. I need out. Please let me out. There is no pain relief, there are no kind words from face to face humans. This goes on and on and on. I tried to phone the informal crisis team but the person who answered knows me and isn't helpful any more, I tried to phone Breathing Space but couldn't talk because they don't know me at all. I can't win with myself. I just want too much from life, I am selfish and greedy. I was never supposed to live. I should have died with my twin. That's why everything is wrong because I am one big wrong.
Someone beat me up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't know if many people even understand that the only solutions for me are serious self harm and then suicide when I can't cope any more. They think small life things will help but they don't. I am terrified about what the future might hold when I have more responsibilities put upon me because I can hardly cope with the little responsibilities I have. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, he will likely be getting impatient with me. I have tried life things and have run out of ideas, life is not something I can feel ok about, it's not for me. I feel like I'm being tortured and I'm not even being tortured by anything external, I have a comfortable external life. There's nothing that can change for the better, things can only get worse. I just want to at least be able to harm myself better but it seems impossible. I know life isn't all about what you want but I am aching. I can't see components of self harm like what it does for me (lifting mood, comfort, etc) if that was the case then maybe I could find other things to try. Self harm for me is just self harm. I want to damage myself and I want to be able to see it. Everything is hopeless and I might have to continue on like this for many more years.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Or you could find something that you like and enjoy and want to spend time doing instead of focusing on what-ifs and maybe's and everything negative.
You have incredibly black and white thinking and that won't be helping your general outlook. Maybe that is something you could work on?
I know you're just going to tell me I'm wrong and the only way for you to feel better is to hurt yourself or to die, but I just wanted to say it anyway.
Thanks for your reply NP. I know there are possibly other solutions but I haven't found anything so far and I have no idea what to do next. When I get stuck in self destruction mode it becomes almost obsessive and nothing helps ease it. It's just hard experiencing this emotional pain so often and feeling trapped by it. The what ifs and maybes will definitely happen at some point, i.e. work and it worries me so much because it's hard to cope with minimal responsibilities as it is. I feel like a lot of my emotions are chemical if that makes any sense but meds don't help much either and my psychiatrist isn't keen on changing/increasing meds. I try to do things that I might like but my mood gets in the way. I'm trying. Just feeling hopeless.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I really am quite pathetic. I got upset because the postman said hi to me when I was waiting to cross the road??? Because I was thinking that I didn't even deserve acknowledgement. I went to my reading group and a lady had left a card for me to say she wasn't going to come back and I assumed she had given one to everyone but it seemed like she hadn't so I was just thinking why??? Then I saw a support worker when I was walking home and she spoke to me and it also upset me and I came home and cut. If normal ok/not upsetting things are going to upset me then how am I supposed to change this? I know I have absolutely terrible self esteem but I don't know how to start to sort it out especially since my low self esteem makes me feel like I don't deserve to feel better about myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and my CPN managed to come too. My CPN thinks I didn't communicate as well as the last time I saw the psych, she said I need to talk about what's important to me, that the psych asked me how things are at the start to allow me to steer the discussion. When he asked how things are I said I couldn't answer such a general question. I feel like I can't really communicate effectively any more. My words aren't right. Even when I write things and look back at it later it doesn't seem to connect and explain what I experience. I feel like I'm becoming mute. My words aren't heard by anyone or even by myself really. Things don't have words to explain them and I feel incredibly alone by not being able to adequately express what's happening. I don't even know if I properly take in what people say to me either. I feel extra disconnected and isolated.
I don't use self harm to communicate to anyone but myself. Damage wouldn't offer the right interpretation by other people just as words are useless. I can't be heard in any way.
Words are too much on the surface, not deep true explanations. Cuts are now too much on the surface too, not deep enough.
I need out. I can't even harm myself. I'm trapped.
I don't properly exist except for evil.
This is not real.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
