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Old 08-09-2020, 04:18 PM   #1
Straight 3
 
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can't accept reality

That is pretty much what it comes down to. I'm just fooling myself thinking this will get any better - because it wont!!

I dread getting up every day only to endure this pointless, meaningless, empty, hollow, senseless, worthless, painful, pathetic shitty lifeless tortured existence!! This isn't living! I've not truly "lived" in ages! So far back I can hardly even recall! I desperately try to clutch on to bits of the past seeking comfort but its a waste of energy because its gone - long gone!! My better days are far behind me! Can't get them back! Cant! Nothing to live for, no light at the end of the tunnel! When I look up ahead I worry, REALLY WORRY!! Things look pretty bleak if I'm being honest with myself. Its going to be a train wreck! Sometimes I get these little (false) spots of hope...but who am I kidding!?!? My life sucks!! My spirit and dignity are broken! Life robbed me of everything and took away little-by-little everything that kept me whole and made me feel like an alive and thriving man! I've lost it all! Gone, never to be recaptured! I'm sour and bitter and filled with jealousy and regret now! I'm a reclusive hermit!

Now.. as I sit here typing this, it hits me hard - the realization that I'm just going to suffer until that body gives out/in (whichever). I'm already dead inside. I'm so sad and it hurts SO VERY VERY BAD!! So very painful! Its too late! I wish my past suicide attempts weren't just attempts! I welcome death!! I can't even cry anymore! There are no tears left to cry!

All the therapy in the world, pills and hospitalizations aren't going to fix me! I'm a lost cause - beyond help at this point!

I'm very tired and so very done!!


Last edited by Straight 3 : 08-09-2020 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 08-09-2020, 05:24 PM   #2
Darkwings44
 
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*hugs you* sweetie i have no words right now...
but im sending you my all love!!!
i hope its okay.... <3



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 08-09-2020, 05:54 PM   #3
nonperson
 
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I don't know what to say really... You'll only be a lost cause if you 100% give up.

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Old 08-09-2020, 10:18 PM   #4
Zurg
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Straight, i don't believe you are beyond help. I do believe however, that you have not yet met anyone who knew how to help you. But that does not mean that people like that don't exist.

Just as i believe that anybody can be taught anything given the right teacher, i also believe anyone can be helped given the right kind of helper. Yes, they can be hard to come by. And it seems like a dead end road trying to find them. But i also just happen to Think that they'll find you somehow, somewhere when you least expect it. But you kind of have to stick around to allow it to happen.

I agree that life is mostly a piece of shit that you have to endure day after day for a few fletning glimpses of the feeling of being alive in between. But even in hardships there are lessons to be learned. And one day you might be the bearer of all the wisdom someone else Will need to progress from their own private darkness. And that gives me a sense of hope about the future.

Don't give up!!! Maybe it gets better, maybe it doesn't, either Way please just keep trying because as long you do that there is still hope.
And besides, it ain't over until the fat lady sings. And i haven't sung yet!!!!

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Old 09-09-2020, 06:37 PM   #5
Straight 3
 
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Darkwings44 ~ Thank you for the love and hugs. It means a lot to know you care about me.

nonperson ~ Thank you for your reply, I won't give up too easily, though some days I feel like it; I won't.

Zurg ~ First off.. "And besides, it ain't over until the fat lady sings. And i haven't sung yet!!!!"

Lolol :D :D :D..............That did cheer me up a bit

But seriously, guys, thanks so much for your advice and kind words. I hope your right, Zurg when you say...they'll find me somehow, somewhere when I least expect it. I'll try to make myself more approachable and available, its pretty hard because I live a very isolated lifestyle and have awful trust issues with people in general. I do have a good therapist though. She does what she can, I guess. I'm a tough nut to crack. Some days it does feel hopeless. I know I have to take it day-by-day and not look too far ahead and predict the future.

I'll hang in the, guys.

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Old 09-09-2020, 06:47 PM   #6
Darkwings44
 
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YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! <3 i so happy because you going hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 13-09-2020, 10:33 PM   #7
yoyogirl
 
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Hey straight3
I hope you are okay, I am here if you wanna talk



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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