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Old 16-04-2008, 02:27 PM   #1
*faerie-dust*
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Triggering (SI) - Total and utter self-loathing (bit of a vent, sorry)

I'm really not sure if what I need to say is even going to make any sense, I feel a ramble coming on.

Basically I loathe myself with a passion. I cannot see any good side to me. I'm chronically ugly, I'm fat (I know I can lose weight and I am, slowly, surely and healthily, but I'll always have this face and skin), I'm stupid and I'm just a horrible person. I will always, ALWAYS be the first person to put myself down. I like to make sure I do it before anybody else can.

When I say bad things about myself all my friends go "oh no, don't say that, you're lovely/pretty/clever/funny etc" which I know is total bull. Then they say "we wouldn't say it if we didn't think it". Well they're hardly going to say "yep, you're right you know, you are awful and we should all hate you". They're too nice to do that. The same about gossip. A lot of my friends are terrible gossips and they will sit around and completely rip somebody apart. I can't help feeling that they do the same to me everytime I leave the room, even though my best friend (who hates all the gossip and has promised that if she hears anyone being nasty about me behind my back she will tell me (after decking the culprit!)) has said that the only thing anyone ever says is that they worry about me (said by another friend who knows about the SI)

Everybody hates it when you see people who really are nasty pieces of work wondering around like they own the place and everyone should love them, so I put myself down (which, to be honest, I don't see as putting myself down, I see it as a perfectly accurate description of myself) to make it clear to everybody that I realise that I am scum. People also think I'm fishing for compliments. Something I will never do (if anything I find compliments triggering, as I feel so totally unworthy of them).

I need to start learning to accept myself and accepting that people DO genuinely like me and care for me, but I just can't see it at all. I don't know how to break out of this frame of mind. I've become so cynical and mistrustful of everybody and everything. I'm 24 (25 in a couple of weeks). Somebody I barely know (friend of a friend) told me he thought I was 10 years older, as nobody my age should be so cynical and world-weary. That's rather pathetic.

I am rather pathetic

Pah.

I'm really sorry for going on. Just needed to unload.

If you've read all this post, you deserve a medal.

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Old 16-04-2008, 03:50 PM   #2
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I am terrible at accepting compliments and believing that people really care and want to be with me but am slowly coming to realise that people dont say things that aren't true over and over again, they get bored. So if your friends are being this supportive i'd believe them, its hard but you ahve to start believing that people really care. And when you can see what people like about you then maybe you can start to appreciate those good points in yourself. It takes time but you are worth it and i think you should stop putting yourself down. You don't have to walk round mega confident but just try and be a little more positive about yourself.
I don't think you are pathetic, you are insightful though which is good because it means you have the ability to see the problems and make positive changes.
Jo x



"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow.
Everything has both dark and light.
You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."

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Old 17-04-2008, 03:22 AM   #3
Yellow
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*snuggles you*
loves.
xxxxx


oh...i dont *snuggle* people that are what YOU say you are...so it cant be true.





A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.

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Old 17-04-2008, 03:43 AM   #4
blondiebear
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*hands out medals while asking who wants metal ones and who wants chocolate ones*

Reading and responding is what we do for each other. Trust your friend. Take it in baby steps. I hope you are honest and persistent about ignoring and not participating in the gossip.

I think you are looking for reassurance that you are a good and valuable person, that you have worth.

The fact that you can ask for help is an indicator that you realize you have a problem and are willing to ask for help to improve your situation. That means that you don't have an overwhelming ego and that you do care enough about yourself to see if you can improve things.

I know what I look like too but I tend to see the bad stuff. I try to let people tell me what the good stuff is and accept it. Like okay, I have whiteheads in my 40's. Blech. But because my skin is naturally well nourished and doesn't need moisturiser or anything, I don't have many wrinkles or much sun damage so I look younger than I am.

As you continue to work on your self, as much of a cliche as it is, the beauty within will shine through. It probably always does and always has. Pretty is as pretty does and there are plenty of people out there who may not have the most attractive features but as soon as you talk to them for a minute, you realize that they are beautiful!

As you get to know yourself and trust yourself you will see how beautiful you are.

*gives you a reassuring hug*



My husband is my best friend.

In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.

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Old 17-04-2008, 03:53 AM   #5
chocostashchick
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*takes her medal for reading it* hahaha

compliments make me uncomfortable too
its sucky because depression comes with self loathing and when you cant see anything good in yourself and people start complimenting you it makes you wonder if they mean it or if they are just saying it automatically and they dont really mean it
honestly i cant tell the difference
umm yea and thats a depressing thing to say sorry haha
i think the solution is for us to realise we arent deserving of our self hatred and to learn to love ourselves again and then we will understand the compliments
and like you said just because we dont like ourselves doesnt mean our friends dont like us and we need to trust our friends
and you dont have to be old to be cynical some of the most cynical people i have ever known were friends i had in high school, who were obviously also teenagers at the time haha
the angsty and depressed tend to be cynical, dont they?
xxxooo callie



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Old 17-04-2008, 07:34 AM   #6
Seraphsigh
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Sometimes it helps me to compare my self deprecation to what I believe in and expect from other people. For example, I'm absolutely positive that I would never think as badly of another person as I would myself. Okay. When I see another person, regardless of whether or not I like them, I am never as critical of them as I am myself...also, what I do critique in them is a reflection of what I critique in myself. Think of people you know, talk about, love, hate, admire, trust, brush by. How many of them do you think of as a bad person? As an ugly person? As someone who doesn't deserve anything?
This is the only thing I can offer, which is basically a conglomeration of what I've been thinking about for a year or so.
What I've found is that
a) If I can convince myself that I am a good and beautiful person, most of the people I come in contact with will consider me to be good and beautiful.
b) Telling myself that the past dictates my future sets me back by years of learning.
c) Telling myself that I have all the options in the world, that everything that has happened has only served to make me wiser, that the future starts right now, has made me stronger and more sure of myself.
d) Being sure of myself lets me trust people more because I don't feel that being hurt again will kill me, end me, debilitate me, etc.
e) Forcing myself to look at my scars and see them as markings of the past (no matter how recent the past) helps keep my mind facing forwards.
f) The more I let myself think and resolve things, dabble in thoughts of pride in who I am and where I am, the more positive things come to pass.
But it takes so much time and so much recognizing the little things that change.

Well, that was more than you bargained for, I know. Sometimes I get into an idea...It's late and I'm spewing tired information, but I hope some of it can help you.

All I really wanted to say is that you are not at all pathetic, and you are in good company with your thoughts. Obviously, we're all here to support you.

*hugs, profuse apologies for talking too much*

D'Arcy



Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.

Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!



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Old 17-04-2008, 10:15 AM   #7
*faerie-dust*
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*passes around medals and hugs for all*

Thanks everyone. To be honest I have absolutely no idea what I was looking for with my previous post. I guess I just wanted an outlet and reassurance that I'm not alone. Posting that was helpful though, I'm in a slightly better place than I was yesterday and I've just read my post again and thought "oh for ****'s sake, you drama queen!"

I know I can be better than that. I *will* be better than that. Starting now.

Umm

I have blue eyes. Blue eyes are nice :)

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