why bother?!

[Darkwings44]

ok i will

ive tried to speak to the boss of the group home and he said that because it was minor stuff he said that he would overlook what supposedly i did and that he already handled the situation with the staff

[Darkwings44]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

You know, I really think you need to speak to psychologist or an advocate because this doesn’t seem fair. You’ve also said before you aren’t under any legal guardianship or anything so I’d also question how legal this all is if that’s the case.

Do you have regular reviews with managers or a case lead at the group home? This is the kind of thing it might be helpful to bring up with them in those meetings if so.

Re ‘needing’ a blade. I’d beg to differ tbh. Sounds like you’re really upset and angry (and understandably so) and maybe a blade is how you’re used to handling those overwhelming feelings? That being said.....another way to look at it would be, is the douche bag staff member worth harming yourself over? Do you deserve a possibly permanent reminder of that person?

How you might otherwise manage those crappy feelings could maybe be something to talk with psychologist about? Not necessarily personal feelings if you don’t trust her just yet, but her ideas for how you can manage without turning to self harm...?

i already spoke to the boss and he said that he worked it out with the staff member

i dont think so.... the boss does has meetings with staff only (not with us the clients) when stuff major happens but other then that i dont know if that happens.....

yeah sh is how i deal with my emotions.......... i never looked at it that way before.... no shes not......and i dont.....

ok i'll try...

[Darkwings44]

The following content has been hidden - Reason : the truth

ive been posting on the recovery board about my ED and no one really replys back.... i feel alone on it… im thinking of going to pro forums instead ive tried recovery but it seems pointless....its time to embrace anorexia..... im sorry

[Greyscale]

I'm not sure if you've noticed the dates and amount of replies in other threads on the ED board, but the ED board is not active. It's not about you, it's just for a lot of people, they either don't have experience with EDs, or aren't in a place to look at the board, which is why that board as a whole gets very few replies. This is another one of those things where it would be far more effective to speak to your therapist about and get actual support on your urges, instead of being self destructive and going on sites that it sounds like you know won't be helpful for you.

[Darkwings44]

....no..... i havent.......

I don't trust my therapist though and i cant get another one I'm stuck with my current therapist..... who i really dont like....

[Greyscale]

I get that. I'm gonna echo what has been suggested that the way to begin to build trust is to start trying to talk about even little things with the therapist, and possibly look into advocacy as Pomegranate has mentioned a few times. There are definitely ways to build up trust and possibly get your needs met in a different way, it just will take time and effort and possibly input from advocacy services. Best of luck!

[Darkwings44]

ok i'll try

[Darkwings44]

I feel so selfish eating food because I feel like im leting anorexia down and I cant get the food out i cant purge because i cant do it without making noise!! I hate myself so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Darkwings44]

i told the truth to the therpist about how i felt about her..... finelly

[Darkwings44]

i dont know why i tryed looking her up online i know that she doesn't feel the same way i feel and probably forgotten all about me because it was at the end of my high school years when we last spoke to each other but at the same time i still love her and miss her!!!!!!! she was my first love for crying out loud!!!!!!!! and she was straight shes not a gay person like me!!!!!!!!!!!! my heart hurts so much!!!!!

[Darkwings44]

my friend kaci died yesterday from heart failure....she was my first love..... …….. at the time when we first met it was in pal class in high school and she was talking to the teacher and I remember the teacher told her about having one life taken away from her nine lives and I was worried about her so I did something that I never did before I gave out my email and in return she offered hers and we started emailing each other and I told her about my dad and my self harm and my anorexia and about my depression and she understood me and told me about her problems too we told each other stuff that we have NEVER told anyone else!! It was near Christmas when I knew that i loved her and would try to protect her from anything and anybody period after I told her by email about the boy who hurted me when I was ten she emailed me that there was something that she needed to tell me in person and when I got into the class she hugged me and she whispered something that I couldn’t actually understood at the time but then I thought about it and did process of elimination and I realized that what she said was that she had been hurt by someone and then she had asked me if she derseved It and when I realized what she truly said she was asleep on the couch in class and I while I watched her sleep i promised myself that I would protect her and love her allways it took me a long while to let her know that I had realized what she had whispered to me and that she didnt derseve what had happened to her… and even longer to tell her my true feelings for her but I wrote her a love admitting letter to her and she told me that she didn’t have the same feelings as I did but we could still be good friends and i was soo happy that she wasn’t disgusted by me!!! It was my wrost fear that I have experience in telling her that I loved her

I promised myself that I would protect her!!!! I could have been there for her someway!!! somehow!! I FUCKING PROMISED TO PROTECT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I wasn’t there for her when she died I derseve to have no one!!!! NO ONE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t keep my promise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *screams at myself* I HATE YOUUUUU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Irisflower]

Even though it might feel like it, it's not your fault that your friend died. People are limited in how much they can protect other people. I bet your friendship really added to your friend's life, and I also think your friend would want you to treat yourself gently. Grieving is hard. Thinking of you.

[Darkwings44]

it doesnt feel that it wasnt my fault it really feels like is my fault cause i should have been there for her for her whole life instead of just letting her slip away!!! but i broke my promise when i should have kept in contact with her ITS ALL MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!
yeah one of the last things in high school that she wrote to me was "i feel blessed to gotten to know you this year"
i dont deserve to be gentle with me though i deserve to die!!

[Darkwings44]

is it possible to build a time machine so I can go back in time to the end of my high school year and make sure that im there for her her whole entire rest of her life so when she dies I’ll be able to help her and protect her and be there for her?

[Darkwings44]

ok i asked my friend C (the one who i email) and she said that it might possble to build it but then i might mess up the furture by changeing the past but i HAVE to try!! even if its 1% possibility i have to take that chance!!! i mean come on! in the past people must have never thought that cars would be a possiblity and now theres more then a million cars thats driving everyday!!! so it has to be a way to make a time machine!! i have to protect her! if i dont... i dont know if i can live without at least trying everything i can to protect her!!! i have to save kaci's life!!!!!!so im researching how to build a time machine now

[[Luna]]

I wrote this in your other thread but I feel it bears repeating here:

No, there is no way you can build a time machine and even if you could, you can't guarantee what you're hoping to achieve would happen because life is unpredictable and can't be controlled as much as we would love to.

I think you really need to put this time machine idea out of your mind and focus on working through your emotions and grief of losing your friend. It sounds like it's brought up a lot of painful feelings and I'm very sorry for your loss
x

[Darkwings44]

i dont know how i can live without trying to save her though.....

[[Luna]]

I know it must feel so hard to accept right now (denial and bargaining are both stages of grief) but your friend is gone and unfortunately we can't go back in time

[Darkwings44]

I MISS HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

[[Luna]]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It will get easier in time. Is there something you can do to remember her like light a candle or let go of a balloon with a message?